I've decided it's time I shared this. Writing about happiness and making encouraging posts can seem pretentious or fake if you don't have a certain credibility that supports your claims. I have thought about exposing myself this way and if it is gonna be too much but I concluded that it will be useful to many. You are not alone and you are not the only one suffering. You WILL get better, but only if you WANT TO. So...

If you want to learn why am I constantly happy and pretty much don't care about most things other people think or do, this post is for you.

I don't know about other countries but in Croatia, being crazy is still considered a tabu topic. People do not talk about it openly and they are hiding their psychiatrist because they don't want to be stigmatized and rejected by their friends, family and coworkers which only leads to even greater isolation. When I had my "little" nervous breakdown and got all those fun diagnoses, I met a lot of people with similar or the same conditions who were suicidal because they felt alone, different and ashamed. Everyone with a diagnosed depression is suicidal at one point. Even if they tell you they are not, trust me, they are.

Going to a psychiatrist is nothing to fear or to be ashamed for. They are capable and amazing doctors. If you break your arm, would you be ashamed to go to the hospital? If your tooth hurts, would you be ashamed of going to the dentist, would you be ashamed of your knee surgery? Why are you then ashamed of mental problems? I know the answers to all of these questions, even the last one, do you? You are afraid and ashamed because no one can see your illness except you and think people will keep their distance from you or completely shut you out. They don't see it or feel it so they don't understand it. Yes, there are those kinds of people, I'm not gonna lie to you, but screw them! There are also lovely people who will be there for you, and your recovery to health is the most important thing here anyway. Other peoples opinions are not your concern, focus on yourself.

At first, I was ashamed too. I felt like I was a disappointment to everybody, that I let them all down. How could this happen to me? I had no traumatic experiences and a beautiful childhood with loving parents. I had a great job and made enough money, my love life was amazing, I was pretty, intelligent, kind and capable enough. Everything was ok, I had no problems in my life what so ever, why did I snap? So many people are having so many problems and they are doing fine, why was I not fine? The only conclusion I could come up with at that time: I am a weak human being.

I had 4 different diagnosis; clinical depression, severe agoraphobia, panic disorder and that last one that I always forget the name of, it had something to do with my stomach. My days were not fun at all. I was not able to go outside, I couldn't be in a room with more than a few people and on the other side, I couldn't be left alone. I couldn't eat and lost 25 kg in a month and a half with no exercise. I had up to 5 panic attacks every day, cried every hour or so, and was constantly in and out of hospitals. My heart, lungs, and stomach were affected so at one point I was using over 10 different medications, not including those for mental health, those 10 were for the symptoms that mental disorders produced in my physical health. Agoraphobia was the worst one, depression I liked, no, not liked... I LOVED my depression.

I was scared of everything and everything gave me a panic attack. I had a fear of people, empty rooms, small rooms and big rooms, public transportation, dying, food, forgetting how to breathe, fire, monsters coming out of walls, being kidnapped, being in pain, losing my family, losing my mind (haha, yes I know this one is a funny one), being locked up in the mental institution, loud sounds, quiet sounds, bridges, ice, water... Every one of those things (and many more) gave me arrhythmias, shortness of breath, shakings, spasms, heartbeat over 250 per minute, and a rush of adrenalin to all my body parts that made me look like I was having an epileptic attack. I was in the ER every day, nurses and doctors were on a first name basis with me. I was in a constant state of fear and it was draining all of my energy. I needed to be hospitalised and put on serious medication. The only reason why I was not hospitalised was the severe agoraphobia. I had a great doctor that concluded that hospitalization would ruin me completely since I couldn't handle people, rooms or being out of my safe place. I owe that man my life...

I made a decision that I will get better and I told my doctor I was going to be his perfect patient. I will listen to him and do exactly what he says, I even told him that if he wanted to cut my right arm off as a way of getting me back to sanity, he should cut it off right away. I was determined and focused on being healthy again. I started using heavy psychiatric medications, having sessions with him two times a week and doing all the homework he gave me. The process of healing begun. I had to read books, meditate, cook, walk up and down my street (neighbours had a kick out of that), write a journal, draw, knit and sew, go for massages, do breathing exercises and yoga, exercise, run and walk, change my thought pattern, listen to classical music and guided meditations... If my doctor told me to go left, I went left, and if he told me to jump up and down (which he did on one occasion) I did.

I took my last psychiatric medication over two years ago and I can proudly say that I am doing better than ever. I am even happy and grateful for that experience because I am not sure if I would ever look at life the way I do now if it hadn't been for all that. The most important thing for me is to be happy so I changed my life completely. I have a different job, think and act differently, and don't give a flying fu*k for what other people think of me. I've been on the other side and there is nothing that will make me go back. At my last session, I asked my doctor does he have any idea why did all this happen to me, what did I do wrong? He told me something that I will always remember and use as a guidance.

So you know what? I don't care about other people anymore that much. I live by the saying: "Do no harm but take no sh*t." I am kind to others, encouraging and supporting, I help when I can and I try to gently push people to be the best they can be, but I come FIRST. My happiness comes FIRST. Am I selfish? YES! And proud of it...

When I write that you can be all that you want to be, that you are strong enough, powerful enough and all other motivational stuff that you usually read in my posts, I believe in it. My words are not empty cheap phrases, they come from personal experience and a genuine wish for your well being. You are a unique creature that this world needs. Yes, this world needs you, especially you. You are valuable and beautiful, don't let anything keep you from showing your smile. My philosophy of happiness is a way of life, a way of thinking that will always keep you in that sweet spot where you are satisfied with yourself and the world around you. Negativity? Fu*k negativity. When you stumble, make it a part of your dance.