When I just started my teenage phase I used to think reflection means for perfect moments like sunsets, or it meant empty rooms, also having a long walk at night with deep thoughts. Well, in real life I didn't know that I'm not gonna have those ideal settings. My father taught me that reflection can happen anywhere at anytime. Like even if I'm outside in a chaos, it doesn’t matter as long as I allow myself to pause and think.
In beginning it did feel a bit overwhelming. I'm currently a student and I have to socialise with many people so my phone is contasntly filled with notifications and I also have too many responsibilities. I have to carry the expectations of my parents as well.
I always have kept my schedules busy otherwise I would overthink a lot, so I always have something to do and it keeps me busy for a long period, but somehow I would still feel disconnected from myself, like I was feeling empty from inside..
Last few months I was getting exhausted easily, I was not feeling good about myself even though there were no big issues. Then I decided to sit alone without my phone. And I thought if I do not put my phone on silent then I won't be able to avoid any kind of disturbance. So, I had to do it.
After I silenced my phone in the beginning, I was feeling restless because I constantly overthinking like "What if someone has texted me?What if like it could be something important? And What if it's an emergency text from my parents?". So yeah, I won't say that it completely felt good or bad, It was a mixture of so many things. But for a long time I felt that I'm gonna lose everything if I don't check my phone right now. As time passed the voice in my head was fading slowly and then something changed within me.
At first I was replaying everything I did the whole day, also thought about what I enjoyed and what I disliked and tried to understand how these things made me feel. I could recall the moments which I usually do eating fast unnecessarily as if I'm under pressure, the way I reacted to my mom without thinking, and the small little things which made me happy but I never noticed it.
While thinking about all of these my inward kinda felt powerful. It felt like finally I could understand myself and found a new version of myself. Which I had been ignoring for a long time.
Since then, I have been trying to make reflection a habit of my daily routine, so it's kinda rare as I'm busy so it gets irregular. But to be honest I do not believe anymore that I need a perfect moment to reflect. Because a perfect moment doesn’t exist, the moment becomes perfect only when I decide. So, it could be like when I'm trying to sleep or doing some chores or when I take a short break from my studies or while taking a bath.
Also, I had a wrong thought about reflection that I'll be judging myself for the things I did also it's not about pointing out the wrong things only. Instead, that I'll try to understand the cause which means reaching the roots of all. Like why did I react in a certain way? And what makes me angry and what makes me happy. So, reflection helped me to become more aware of my own way of leasing life and I could easily figure out the causes of my emotions. Also, I think that if I can't understand myself then I can't expect others to understand me.
So, this is my only way of reconnecting with myself. Even phone has a reset button and that what reflection feels like in my life. I feel refreshed. I know that life is unpredictable, but still if I could create some space to reflect then it's gonna help me to stay more grounded. And I know that's the only spirit I need in my life.
The images are created with Gemini and edited with Canva