When I don't keep myself busy, I overthink a lot. It feels overwhelming because I regret many things in life. So even if I'm sitting quietly but my mind it's still talking. But it is not that distracting, I can ignore it whenever I want to, the problem is that it doesn't feel good at all. In the beginning I always think of the good memories, but the people in it brings out the bad memories.
It starts with things I did not do then I start to think about how many opportunities I have missed for silly things. I also think of the situations which I could have handled better. Those memories keeps coming back to me it's on a loop mode inside my mind. To describe it firmly I was always afraid to speak up and hated myself for staying silent even if I wanted to say something.
It feels like I'm cursing myself for not speaking up at the right time. Those memories make me feel like I was a failure. So, those regrets will often catch up to me and it stops me from enjoying what is in the present timeline. To be honest it's not easy at all, it becomes harder to focus. But it's not possible to change the past but still my mind won't stop going back to the past.
For example, “Why did I reject that opportunity? What if I had accepted it? Would that make any difference?” or “What if I did not waste my time with wrong surroundings?” thesr thoughts will only swallow my brain but not change anything, like it would only take away my good energy. My anxiety will sky rocket and becomes harder to stay happy for a long time.
I also feel guilty for not being the person I should have been which I am now. Also, I didn’t love myself before. As if I hated myself out of others influence. These things has already created a weight inside me. Still I'm glad that I can least understand thar it was in the past and I cannot change it. So, even if I think about it now those moments are already gone. So, the only change can be made is in the present. I can change myself and try to be a better person, I can treat myself better, and start loving myself slowly.
I feel like I'm already healing so I wanna forgive myself. And I will begin with acceptance, that I'm a human being and I'm supposed to make mistakes, not only me everyone else does that too. So, it doesn’t mean that I'm a bad person, it can only mean one thing which is that I am learning slowly.
I wanted to be kinder to myself and not be harsh. I don't wanna feel regret about what should I have done before, I will just follow the lead to doing better next time. After all these years, I would say I'm still not the same person, if I was then I would be not able to forgive myself. I have changed a lot and started to heal my inner self. I wanna keep it in practice which is being in present and not worrying about the past.
The images are created with Gemini and edited with Canva