In my research of culture videos on YouTube almost everyone says the greeting "How are you?" just means hello and nothing more. That it does NOT mean you should respond with your genuine feelings or situation at the moment. In a lot of places in the U.S., it's true. But not in the deep southern states in the U.S.
I mentioned before I grew up in the deep south of the U.S. So I say y'all still even though I've lived in California a long time and occasionally my accent comes back.
When people ask me "How are you?" I still respond with an actual response (lol)
Of course I know they aren't expecting it and I kind of get a thrill surprising them. I rarely have had anyone act annoyed, just surprised. I don't go on and on, but I do tell them how I'm feeling. If I'm tired, I say so. If I'm enjoying the weather, I say so. If I'm looking forward to something in the day for instance seeing a good friend, I say so. You get the point! :)
Receiving an Answer to this is a Communication GIFT
I'm not sure why people think it's ok to brush off this question of how are you?
Really, it is a gift you are given if someone shares how they are doing with you:
- It gives you a glimpse into how you could proceed with the conversation
- It helps you think about framing your request, if you want something from that person
- It helps you make an informed decision if you maybe should disengage that person or choose to engage another day (a better day)
- It opens a door, a little tiny one, where you might actually learn something
- Or maybe a new contact that could have future positive implications for you
Your word, and your words
In an agrarian society it's important to be polite and follow these pleasant chit chat conventions. People are not in a hurry and you're expected to get to know someone or make an effort. I think this goes back to "your word is your bond" and southern people take giving their word, i.e. promise, seriously. You can be very poor but if you keep your promises and good for your word this increases the respect people have for you in the community.
This is a contrast from other parts of the U.S. where wealth is respected above all else regardless of someone's manners or social skill. An example would be our current President. It still mystifies me that the southern states voted for this cretin as he totally just is so rude... but I guess his other messages appealed to the what I think of as the darker side of living in the south: that of intolerance, racism and religious fundamentalism (I can't go into all that here).
It's usually sincere
Sometimes I have seen visitors from outside of the south wonder if this friendly chit chat is sincere? It usually is. Growing up my mom would engage total strangers in the grocery store and make chit chat. She would bond with her plane seat neighbor. She has this ability to reach out to people and in a microchasm of time glean their life story and make herself memorable to that person. I sometimes try her techniques out here in California but it's too hard these days with people and their smart phones - no one is available for chit chat.
Giving compliments
Giving compliments is also a skill learned in the southern states, also sincere. I know I know, you don't think it is. But given a regular context of a friendly exchange - it is. Of course there's the dripping sarcasm kind of compliment that you've seen in the movies. But that's not the norm.
A southern woman will not tell you your hair looks nice if doesn't. But she would instead look for something else to compliment that she likes, say for instance a piece of jewelry or clothing. It's part of our being to try to notice something positive about someone.
Edit to add: This is not a tit-for-tat kind of thing. You aren't expected to come back with an equal compliment, at least at that very moment. A simple "Thank you so much!" is just fine as a response, or a generic "And you're looking great as usual" or something is fine, too. If your spending some time with that person though it is nice to consider giving a genuine compliment later on but it's not expected.
Southerners really give compliments over good food. In fact if you ever visit the south and are a guest at someone's house know you can never give too much praise about the food. If you go to a local restaurant the owner might come to your table to ask if you like the food and strike up conversation with you especially in a tourist area like a beach town.
Indirectness and passive aggressiveness
We do lie about things if you ask, "How does my hair look?" A close friend would be honest but an acquaintance might just say oh fine. There's a very strong aversion to causing hurt feelings. This often comes across as indirectness and it can be maddening at times. For instance:
Woman: What do you think about that new restaurant, the Dancing Crab?
Man: Yep it's good.
Woman: I liked their cole slaw...
Man: Yep
Woman: (getting irritated) They sure have the best iced tea...
Man: Mmm mm
Woman: (finally goes direct) Let's go there to eat!
Man: Oh yeah, ok
Women drop hints like this all the time hoping that the other person will "connect the dots" and arrive at an expected conclusion. This is truly an irritating way of communicating and it's very prominent in the southern states. The woman doesn't intend to be manipulative or passive aggressive but it comes off that way.
It's just women in the south are taught to be non-confrontational. It's also a bit old fashioned in the example above I can see this as the woman is trying to "let them man make the decision" but it's just not working out lol
I have personally really worked hard on this quality I inherited of my origin culture and find I am much more direct now. When I go back to the south I can certainly see the difference and how frustrating it can be. Men can be a bit more direct but they suffer from this as well. Among other men there is a hierarchy usually dictated by age and younger men have a more difficult time with older men in being direct.
There's a back and forth in decision making in southern communication that is something I find uncomfortable and no longer have patience for. That's when I'm glad to come back home to California and the faster pace and direct way of speaking.
And with that I leave you with one of my favorite comedies...
My Cousin Vinny (1992)
marisa tomei: "Oh, and you blend."
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