2022 through 2025 ... so much sorrow, and yet, so much beauty ... so much darkness, and yet in it, so much light ...
The winter weather and mild illness have set in this week, but I remembered my trip to Elk Glen Lake in late November ... still quiet, for nearby Blue Heron Lake attracts much more attention, but its lovely humility appeals to me...
2025 summed up a lot of the themes of the previous three years ... the beauty, and the tragedy ... here is composer Nikolai Medtner himself, bringing all the beauty and the tragedy of his own sonatas ... so many people compare him to Rachmaninoff, but I always think of him taking a deep understanding of middle-to-late Beethoven and supporting his own unique voice, informed by the musical traditions he is heir to...
So much richness ... so much depth ... such a personal curation of it all ... sonata form has really caused me to think of these last years ... if I were to consider 2025 the fourth movement ... the finale of what began in 2022 as I went forward on a new journey ... 2024 was a radiant, restful slower movement, 2023 kind of a tragic scherzo after 2022, and thus, 2025 gathered up all the themes and reprises -- a bit of everything -- to come to a quietly triumphant end.
But what kind of triumph? Obviously, I am still climbing ... from the Pilgrim's Progress that I read in my early youth in adapted form until it fell apart, to Brahms in 'Mit vierzig Jahren' reinforcing it from the view of the mature person of forty years or more, I know the climb continues until I get home. Schubert and Strauss showed me two different ways of being the Solitary One, or "Der Einsame," and Schubert's vision obviously fits better to the climb I am called to ... the life of solitude at home after good work in the world, to consider all the good and bad, give thanks for the good, reflect and learn how not to repeat the bad, and then ending the day in warm peace, with the company of Creation itself at all times. My beloved bass sings this beautifully ... but it is not the song we will hear him sing today.
Of course, I am not in solitude yet, but in "trio-tude," as I am caring for my parents and putting as much gold into their olden years as I can ...
... but I am to the world lost, in the way that Mahler describes in "Ich bin Der Welt abhanden gekommen" ... become lost to its aims, by choice. I wrote about my discovery of this song in 2023 and how it spoke to me ... now of course, Kathleen Ferrier's singing of it, as she was dying, and preparing to leave the world, was quite the moving experience ... from someone on the verge of the next world, looking across, and realizing that she would soon be where the last lines described: in Heaven, in song!
I set course for that kind of life in 2023, although I could not have said that as clearly then ... and while I did not know the full cost yet, that there were still more losses to come.
But there was peace and power in the aftermath, when it was just God and I ... the summer of 2023 was when I wrote Seizing the Crypto Bull Run for Financial Freedom, and my predictions on the length of the crypto cycle turned out to be correct. For nine months into 2024, I walked and rested and took care of my commitments and nothing else ... Covid-19 helped me to lean deeper into rest ... and I became so radiant and peacefully healthy that folks from the past reached out again at the end of 2024, hoping there was a way they could benefit ... I can see that now... the problem was, they had not grown enough to stay on pace, thus putting me in a reprise of grief in the spring of 2025 that I had already experienced in the springs of 2022 and 2023.
But I needed that. I had to see, for myself, that there is no bridge.
And after that, it was truly done. I found myself in grief, but also instantly returned to the peace of more than half of 2023 and more than half of 2024, about which it had also been sung to me from above, in the choir of dreams as I slept in December 2023: "Come unto Me ... I will give you rest!"
I knew in 2024 that He was doing what He said He would ... what I had to learn in 2025 is that He would not allow me or anyone else to alter His promise in its working out. I am never to return to, and will never have any need to return to, any of the drama of the world that does not fall directly into my calling. There would be drama enough inside the confines, and opportunities no one who would not accept those confines could ever receive. And this I have seen, clearly.
In the restored quiet, while national and political circumstances changed dramatically, I realized that quietly, I had gotten to where I thought I was in mid-2024 ... I did not expect to turn around at the end of that year and welcome some of my old friends back, and I was shocked when they failed yet again, so I was not finished with the matter all through 2024 ... but acceptance, and closure, had come.
"And, mein Eisenblumenkind, when you are finished, you hold yourself to being finished."
The Ghost of Musical Greatness Past, dressed in a hiking suit drawn from the deep blue of sky and morning shadow and winter's pale gold, purred his announcement of his presence, his deep voice sounding calmly satisfied as he walked out into the path in front of me.
"I appreciate you having represented the divine fatherly patience from on high so well," I said. "That was a long journey I was on."
He held out his long, powerful arms to me, epitomizing that patience with a smile and a slightly older appearance -- a hearty and hale 60 or so, older than he had managed for much of 2024 and much of 2025.
"You could go by no other path," he said gently as I walked to where he was, "and I am bound to be nothing but a good echo of what you know from on high! Even now -- I stand in a lovely place -- come to me and see it!"
I gladly rested there at this beautiful place, in the embrace of his love and his voice, as I had on this whole long journey...
"Four years from November 2021, when you were seeking understanding at the end of your aunt's life, and preparing for the end of so much more also in 2022, you trusted me enough to return to Brahms and learn his Four Serious Songs, which gave you what you needed," he said. "I have been honored to be on this journey with you, Frau Mathews ... to be re-materialized in fiction to be honored and loved is something I could never have foreseen from mortal life. I would have expected you to move on from this old bass by now ... you have learned of so much more great music and musicians ... but I see you are still clinging quite tightly!"
"I actually have a request," I said. "Löwe's 'Die Uhr,' at the stroke of midnight."
"You want me to be the first voice you hear in the New Year?" he said.
"The first echo of the Voice that has called me to a new year in peace, yes," I said. "I just didn't think about it last year, and if my little church in Gelnhausen did watch night services like we do in the African American tradition I would be there -- but the hour would be different anyhow, and my church is not having services.
"But I shall be up in thanks to God anyhow ... when all the heartbeats and ticks of the clock shall be done for 2025 ... I shall give it back to the Blessed Hand, remembering how as the song says, things were not always as I wanted, but knowing my desires were sometimes unwise and learning His plan was best, remembering how He kept me going by repairing all damage and winding me back up with His encouragement and love ... and thank Him for leading me through the year that stopped of itself, my hand in despair having not taken me from it, and thank Him for handing me a whole new year with all its heartbeats and ticks of the clock ... that is the song I want to hear, to sum it all up ... that humble and lovely song, by my favorite, humble old bass."
One ethereal tear had fallen into my hair and was pleasantly effervescing, and the morning shadow around us had made a bit of room for the light of his joy.
"Of course I will, Frau Mathews. Of course I will, for you and Q-Inspired, our home away from home -- of course I will."
His voice, already, was approaching its timbre of ecstasy ... the request had overjoyed him, but there was more to it.
"You have come to what I shared with you at the end of 2025 ... you are here at this humble place of beauty, when you could have pulled grander things from the vault of your memory and imagination to enliven you being slightly ill and confined at home by inclement weather ... you have found that all things are beautiful in their time, and that the call to humility and peace will be full of all the things that rejoice your heart and uplift your life despite the changes in circumstances that we all must endure ... and in accepting ever greater humiliation in shutting down many things for the care of your parents, found even greater opportunity and peace ... you have boldly believed that the way you are called to contains all things for you, and received and are at rest... to meet you here, past all the pain and grief of former days ... !"
My whole scalp was effervescing ... his joy was overflowing, and although it was not as visible in the shadow of the trees, his voice even in its gentleness was now rippling that whole lake, all the way across ... the infrasonic power of his immortal voice was leaking just a little into the approximation of his mortal voice.
"That we shall close this year with you having come so far, and begin the new in such a way ... ach meine liebe Dame, meine Tochter, mein Herz jubelt für dich ... ach, mein Herz jubelt für dich!"
His voice was so beautiful even in his gentle rejoicing that I saw stars in the morning sky ... verging upon the Knockout Zone was not the plan, but it reminded me ... there had been times recently when, alone in such things and in offering gratitude and praise on high, I had been so flooded with the love and joy of the One Who called me that I felt had been lifted to the verge of Heaven itself ... my companion of the day had foreshadowed such moments for me, months in advance.
I remembered having read from the prophet Zephaniah that when the Lord had His people restored to the relationship with Him they were always meant to have, it was said that "He will rest in His love; He will joy over them with singing." It had not occurred to me in 2023 and 2024, although I was experiencing it in advance that night that I heard a choir no composer of earth could write for, singing "Come unto Me, all ye that are heavy laden, and I will give you rest!", that the other part that was when I got to the rest I was supposed to get to, He would meet me there in calm repose, and be singing for joy.
"And so I was sent to get you ready, Frau Mathews -- to you, the most beautiful masculine voice ever created, to let you hear the echo of that joy -- joy in masculine height, depth, and great power -- and have it enter your life, so that when this time in your life came, you could understand! Of all lessons, and all things that you have learned from me, this was always among the most important ... oh, my darling, that you might know what you have read ... you remember me singing the Scripture in Haydn's Creation ... when all was completed, what did the Creator say?"
I remembered then, and sang it to him!
"Das ist gut! Das ist wunderbar!"
This is good and very good (or, in German, wonderful)...
"And what did He do?"
I thought and then I smiled.
"He rested ... he rested ... I've read that a thousand times ... I was five years old, almost 40 years ago, when I first read that ... how did I miss that?"
"And this is why you are getting all these echoes ... you already know, but things are being brought to your remembrance," he said. "Yes, you were brought to rest because you need it -- because your very life required it -- but also to be brought into the joy of the One Who called you, who counts your obedience as very good, and delights to meet you in this rest! You did not miss it -- here you are, my darling, here you are!"
I knew Bach's "Gigue" Fugue was more than he would be able to stand still on in his mood, and he grinned because he knew I made room for him to rejoice, and then swept me along that bank into the sunshine, rejoicing with me!
"I feel like I need to get ready for more of this in 2026!" I said when at last we stopped.
"You indeed had better!" he said. "Long have I waited -- delayed is not denied!"
He swept me right off my feet and turned around and around with me in his joy until at last a sunny seat welcomed us.
"I have surely been getting my work in and delight in this rest!" he said. "You must have believed my billing about me being as good of an actor as I was a singer -- I surely had good work as Gurnemanz Kantor this month!"
"And you were brilliant!" I said. "You and that whole cast of thousands -- that was an amazing way to learn the last lessons of the year!"
"Which were, Frau Mathews?"
"I should have figured there was a test before the end of this year's learning!"
"You know your old ethereal professor by now, Frau Mathews!"
"We live and walk and rest in hope -- not everyone will recognize the danger they are in, and some will choose to return to whatever their Vanity Fair may be, but in deeply cherishing those who have come on the climb to which we are called, and making ready to receive those who will yet come, there we will find the joy that will give us strength, and keep our minds from dwelling on the tragedies that others refuse to avoid. A corollary would be to remember: we have no part in the consequences of bad decisions we did not choose, and need not be witnesses to those consequences any more that is absolutely necessary, having been led up and away from all that."
"Very good, Frau Mathews! Very, very good! That is the sum of all the lessons from 2022 to the present hour!"
"It was at the end of that," I said, "that at last I knew I was healed of my pains, and could end my mourning and my apprehensions from the past about the future. The more I choose to pour into and cherish those to whom I am called -- which also requires me to take better care of myself -- the less time and energy I have to be overly concerned or even think about those who are not my responsibility. It is not that I don't or no longer care. It is that I am investing my energy where it is called to be, and where the blessing will be found for all involved."
"There it is," he said. "This is the deep how to what I have been saying to you from the beginning, Frau Mathews: no anxiety, only rest -- Keine Angst, nur ruhe! You have been called away from heartfelt labor that could be to no lasting purpose, and thus to rest from that, to do what you are called to do and thus to rest in that. That is the great, high plateau to which, at last, you have climbed -- and how bright it is here, and full of light!"
We walked down to the lower bench and into that light, and we got there just in time because his glow up was getting ridiculous.
"To be here at such a time, with you, and for you ... I confess I have more to teach but I am having trouble getting my thoughts together because my heart is bursting for joy ... ."
I looked down at his feet -- he was literally walking on air -- and grabbed him. It was always a surprise how he had his well-known prepossessing shape and volume, but no bulk and no settled weight because he and gravity hardly knew each other, and gravity was getting tired of him again...
"Nur ruhe, Professor," I said, and got us down to that seat with my personal attachment to gravity. "Keine Angst! Nur ruhe!"
He laughed and made up with gravity again -- "Vielen Dank, mein geliebtes Blumenkind! -- returned my embrace, and enjoyed the moment with me ... he had lost his English in his joy, but I understood him ...
"Ich fühle so wohl bei dir ... so wohl ... so zu hause ... ."
He felt so well, and so at home with me ... there was a deep lesson even in that, but I settled my head into his shoulder and let it be what it was ... it was a moment only the B major radiance of the middle movement of Beethoven's "Emperor" Concerto could capture, and since we were sitting in my memory, the instant the first note sounded, my companion heard it and smiled.
"Leonard Bernstein and Krystian Zimermann with the Vienna Philharmonic ... you are a woman of excellent taste, Frau Mathews."
"I must not be derelict in my 2025 duties, Frau Mathews, but complete them before we go to your actual environs," he said in a dreamy voice some time later.
"Well, we are in meine Erinnerung -- my memory -- of a walk, so there is no hurry here,* I said.
"There is a limit, however, on how much you can physically type before Jan. 1, 2026, given your time constraints, and if that limit is not at issue, we might consider how much anyone wants to read on a holiday."
"A most thoughtful consideration indeed," I said.
"It is perhaps as well, with this immense voice of mine, that we have come to a place and state of mind in which it is unthinkable to introduce any harsh note -- I cannot do it."
The timbre of his voice, speaking, was shimmering like the lake itself at the angles of its deepest tones ...
... he was in such a height of joy that only the full sunlight could conceal the fact of his glow, but there was nothing to be done for his voice in the height and depth of its beauty ... it was going to be easy to get to my actual near-midnight environs because he was about to take us both through the Knockout Zone to get there ... but there was a bit of serious matter first ...
"In thought of 2026, in which we shall swiftly be," he said, "there is a subtle lesson I have been giving you since the spring of 2023, and I gave it to you a different way this month through the role of Gurnemanz Kantor. Did you notice how the good rector stood fast on his principles?"
"I did," I said. "He stood fast in a number of ways. He refused to buy into the idea that he with his popularity should go to Eitelkeitsmesse and reason with the people there, he refused to buy into the idea that Simon Zischen and his family were an actual threat although they might well have meant him harm, and he refused to feed Simon Zischen anything he might feed on to compete. He refused to offer anyone anything but the evidence of the welcome of Hoffnung and the love of God, which was enough for those ready to come to safety because they recognized the precariousness of their position."
"And since nothing more would have been enough for those not ready to understand the precariousness of their position, that is what he offered: nothing more," he said. "The rector had enough to do in handling the two things he could, so he stood fast, and things came together as they should have for all those called together, old and new."
"And neither he nor I witnessed the breaking of the dam," I said. "In staying and working where we were called, that was not a memory we were called to."
"This is a lesson I have been giving you since 'The Ballad of the Three Commendatores,' very early in our acquaintance," he said. "At last it has become a part of you, because you accepted that not all things are for you to view in the outcomes of others. That is a great step, and I am delighted for you."
"There is another subtle lesson I have been giving you since 2024, but you had to reach the end of that year and the grief of this one, and process it, before you could understand the importance of it. Do you notice that when I start to get overjoyed and I glow up, we tend to move in a specific direction?"
I considered this.
"Yes -- into the light, because people wouldn't understand and we can't explain how you are doing that in the context of normal human experience."
"So then, Frau Mathews, it would seem to follow that in order to avoid unnecessary explanations that will serve no good purpose among those who do not have the experience and dedication to learn just how you are glowing up in life, you also might consider moving into more light."
"I should have figured you were going to blow my mind at least one more time this year," I said. "What?"
"I will teach this in full next week, Frau Mathews. You already are being led in this way, but 2026 will be the year for you to fully understand. For today, I have shown you an object lesson. Ponder it this week -- I have foreshadowed this lesson also with you over the years in other ways as well! It is enough to say, for now, Frau Mathews, that we look to new horizons as, always and ever, you continue to climb toward the light of your everlasting home!"
But speaking of getting home ... it was time to go do that for me after we interacted pleasantly with that lovely dog and its owner as the dog came into the picture.
"That was, in memory, pretty much the end of your walk, because you did need to get home that morning to care for home's matters," he said to me as we quickened our pace around the lake. "Now, in reality today, you are already home, and I will meet you there later on."
One more sunny gap there where we paused...
... and then when up into the shadows around that end of the path...
... I found that around the corner was my little room at home, into which he walked me, but instantly disappeared.
"I will see you later, Frau Mathews!"
He was so quiet when he came, in the midst of my prayers and meditations of the last hours of the year, that I only realized he was present because I had the room lights down, and he was glowing it up mildly in his quiet joy. But then he smiled, and lit that room all the way up.
"This is how to end a year, Frau Mathews ... on high, such dates do not matter as much, but for your sake, I also have given much thanks. But then costuming called with the reminder that I must get ready, for I must not be late."
He was resplendent in tuxedo and bow tie and cummerbund, recital-ready.
"I have received many honors, but to be the first classical musician to sing in Q-Inspired for the year, and probably among the first across Hive ... nine years into permanent retirement as of March 2026, but to be recalled still? To even be wanted at this late date? No, I dared not be late!"
"OK, I've got things set up for you," I said. "But it's only 11:55pm -- we have time before the Ecency scheduler kicks it all in."
"I wanted to ask you," he said, "since it is raining here and the usual firecrackers and other accoutrements will not be seen or heard ... ."
"I'm so glad because I hate all that noise!" I said.
"I thought that the Knockout Zone has a lovely view of the Aurora Borealis," he said, "and of course, you will be with me, so the cold will not disturb you -- all these clouds, from there, will be a soft and downy place to rest and enjoy."
"Well, I generally don't go out for New Year," I said, "but I'll make an exception with you."
He smiled and snapped his fingers, and costuming provided me a burgundy velvet evening gown that matched the color of his bow tie, and a black velvet shawl and velvet gloves to go with it. He extended his arm and I came to his embrace, and he smiled.
"I think I shall vocalize, just to be sure my voice is ready," he said, and I grinned, because him just taking two minutes to gently vocalize his gorgeous voice took us straight to the Knockout Zone, where we stepped onto the top of the storm clouds below, and above us was a winter-black night, spangled with all the Milky Way for light.
"In a minute, the Van Allen belts in the atmosphere will let just enough energy through so that we might have the Aurora Borealis at your latitude, Frau Mathews. The Northern Lights are quiet, radiant, and not visible here to those not invited into this light -- I thought it would befit you, and perhaps presage much of your new year."
"Vielen Dank," I said.
"Gern geschehen," he said. "Now, the interesting part ... the acoustics above the jet stream are interesting!"
He then took position, and I counted down ... in a minute, the clock of 2025 would tick its last tick, and we would hand it back to the Master of Time with thanks for all that we experienced and for having been given the strength to see it through to the end, and then, receive a whole new clock ... just as in "Die Uhr," the character reviews his life and all he experienced, and looks forward to the day of returning that clock to the Master, complete, without having taken in hand to stop it before the time.
But as for the clock of 2025 ... the Ghost of Musical Greatness Past smiled...
"A bit in advance, because my voice at the exact moment will be occupied: Frohes Neues Jahr, Frau Mathews!"
"Happy New Year!" I answered.
Then he took a deep breath, blew it out -- historically, he did sometimes get a bit nervous at big moments, and opening 2026 with a song was a big moment -- and began counting down in German.
"Zehn, noin, acht, sieben, sechs ... ."
... while I counted down in English ...
"Five, four, three, two, one!"
