An acquaintance of my wife was recently preparing a replacement for her role so she could go on maternity leave in a few months. Unfortunately at the most recent ultrasound, the baby had no heartbeat and will be stillborn. This must be one of the most heart-breaking and traumatic experiences for a woman to experience, especially these days when it is relatively uncommon. And then to have to go through the birth process still seems like piling trauma onto trauma and I suspect that the psychological damage for the mother and all closely involved, will be lasting.
This is an image of the drip my wife had in the delivery room.
The average age of mortality has increased significantly in the last century and a half, because infant mortality has declined so much. There is so much more known now about hygiene, nutrition and the medical procedures themselves, that we are no longer (at least in the developed world) as exposed to child mortality as we once were, often forgetting that there are indeed a lot of dangers and risk factors still. Over the years, I have known a couple people who have lost children after birth and I am not sure if a day goes by where there is at least some thought about it. Then there are the many who have had miscarriages early on in the pregnancy.
This is normal life.
Understanding that it is part of normal life, doesn't make it easier though, does it? But there is a far thicker layer of engineered complexity in our lives now that we have to contend with, so all the "normal life" components, are experienced in what is da far more complex (and largely unnecessary) ecosystem of experience. Whereas a hundred-plus years ago, life was more basic, more tactile, more practical. Most of what we did, we did to survive and provide for our families. Now however, is that the case? Is most of our time spent on survival?
Perhaps.
However, I think that what we consider our "life" is no longer just the parts that require food and water, company and expression. Instead, I think a lot of what we are trying to keep alive is our sense of self, our ego. And to do that, we are often spending our time on things that might not have very much practical value. It is not that everything we do should deliver a practical outcome, but maybe we should consider how much time we spend not doing anything practical and whether it is worth it.
Think about how much we sit around now, or how much time we spend passively consuming content, or the amount of time, energy, money and whatnot goes toward feeling entertained, or to take up time, without giving much in return. And all of these things cause some amount of stress also, where earning to survive is lower on the hierarchy than earning to be entertained. Many aren't going to work to secure their family future, or even their own, they are doing it so they can spend on something that takes up their time, without return.
And I think that this is one of the big reasons that so many people are choosing not to have families, because having a family comes with responsibility and need to provide, which is just another hurdle that gets in the way of keeping the ego alive through entertainment and distraction. And when there is so much complexity and effort needed just for an individual to feel like they are surviving, those bigger, natural parts of life we used to have, might become psychologically overwhelming.
Better to avoid them altogether?
I don't know about that. I think that over the last couple decades the word "trauma" has increased massively. In fact, in the last ten years alone web searches for "trauma" have tripled. However, while I think that trauma exists on a spectrum, due to our experience, we have lowered the bar to what qualifies as a traumatic experience, and what needs to be damaged in the process. For example, losing a baby at 6 months would be physically, emotionally and psychologically traumatic for the majority of people, but what about for the ego?
I think a lot of the experience that people consider traumatic now isn't necessarily physical or mental, but instead a wounded ego that makes them feel like they are attacked and damaged to the point that it makes a strong impact on their emotions. And the self they are protecting from harm is the illusory ego, not them as a person.
We are all traumatised.
But I wonder how much of experience is only considered traumatic because we don't have worse personal comparisons. Maybe if we did, the small issues wouldn't have the same impact on us that they do now. I know at least for me, since having a child and going through various difficult experiences with her and at the same time with myself, a lot of the small problems don't really leave that much of a mark. They still have to be dealt with, but I don't get traumatised by the experience.
I reckon my life is full of traumatic experiences, but maybe there have been so many that they just blur into the realm of "normal life, deal with it" instead. However, it could also be that I am filled with all the scars of these past traumas that I didn't give enough time and energy to, because I was dealing with bigger issues in the moment. I don't know, but I think that we probably all have unresolved issues that affect our behaviour and we will never have enough time or space to deal with them all. So, regardless of all the traumas in our life, we have what is ahead tomorrow, and what we can do about it today.
Life isn't always easy, nor perhaps should it be.
Taraz
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