(laugh out your sorrows Jare lolz)
🎼 baby go down baby down achikolo,ukwu ruo gi ani ukwu ruo GI ani achikolo....🎼
that's my phone ringing, I reached it to know who is disturbing my sleep this very early morning,
It was Efosa the Edo girl that has charmed me with her beauty,I hurriedly swipe the green button:
"Hello sugar plum,the sweet juju princess of Edo kingdom..."
"Please stop,I'm not ready for this ur flattering this morning".. She interrupted my romantic rendition.
" my period is due for over two weeks now,and Is not forthcoming "
"Haba,is it not your period again, wait it will still come, maybe it is in a traffic jam"
that's me trying to be funny.
"You think everything is a joke!!!!" She thundered.. "The next call u will be receiving will be from your mother".. She said and hung the phone.
That was when it dawned on me that its serious, anyway I joked about it cos this is the fourth time in our barely two years relationship that Efosa will be calling me to tell me that her period isn't forthcoming and later she will see it,I don't know why her period likes playing hide and seek..
The first time She called me to tell me about her missing period was when we started dating newly,when I was in 200 level,after our first " Do",honestly I didn't wear my "ozo tittle cap", I entered in bare as if I'm going in for a " shower",. Frankly speaking, that's the way I love it,flesh to flesh,Adam to Eve,Yam to oil,a yam that wants to be soiled with palm oil doesn't go with its peel..
That's too risky I know but every hero has his "tragic flaw", that is mine,I don't normally get stimulated when i embark on the "journey" with the "ozo tittle cap" on my "head", I remove it as if I'm going in for a haircut. Secondly, I met Efosa a virgin, I was the one that actually" commissioned" the "project ",that explains her constant fear and naivety whenever the issue of her period comes up..
That was the first " missing period encounter " we had, the first period she was suppose to see during our relationship is missing, there is no question I didn't ask myself
"Is this God's way of punishing me?"
"Is this my mother's prophecy; 'woman will kill u one day' coming to pass?"
"Is this Edo witches teaming up with my village people to play counter attack on me?"..
All those things were flying through my mind when my phone beeped,it was a message from Efosa which reads " baby it has started flowing "
Woah,I was relieved, I quickly replied her "Please let it flow,let it flow like a river,let it flow as if you are the woman with the issue of blood in the Bible"..
That was the first experience a year ago,I'm currently in another hot soup.
🎼baby go down baby
go down achikolo..🎼
That's my phone ringing again, alas!,it was my mother!!, chim egbuem oo,so Efosa meant it when she said the next call I will receive will be from my mother, she has told her,how did she get her number, I can't remember giving her my mother's number, she must have invoked it,Edo people and their witchcraft, my friends warned me about her oo,one day she might invoke the life out of me, what have I gotten myself into in the name of girlfriend and boyfriend?..
My phone is still ringing!!,this is the ninth time my mum is calling, and she can never call u and stop,she doesn't know that somebody may be busy or indisposed to take calls,she will call u until she kills ur battery.,I can't pick her call, what will I tell her?,that it was the devil's handwork?, which stupid devil, was it the Devil that wooed her for me?,or was the devil the onr holding the torchlight for us when we were "Doing",.. She can never hear that one,she will first of all remind me of how my father didn't touch her until the wedding night, though I saw myself in their wedding picture, or was it Photoshop?..
She will tell me about Joseph in the Bible and all the apostles that kept their bodies undefiled.
🎼baby go down, baby go down achikolo🎼
that's the 15th time she is calling, how many days will I evade her calls?, I have to summon courage from King David and king Solomon that slept with thousands of women to answer her call:
" Hello,mummy sorry I was in class"
I heard her breath heavily and said "congratulations.. You are now a.."
I couldn't let her finish cos I assumed where she is going: "mummy,that's not how it happened, I didn't know about the missing period until this morning, but don't stress yourself, I can handle it"
"What are u talking about?" She asked in a bemused tone " I was telling u congratulations that you are now an uncle, your elder sister just gave birth this morning, so what period are u talking about? "
Alaputam onwem oo!,what have I done?,how do I salvage this?,I started doing "hello, hello, hello,oooom,what kind of bad network is this ,hello, mummy can u hear me?,hello" bad network took the blame as I hurriedly drop the call.
It wasn't upto 1minute,Efosa's call came in,I picked:
"Baby baby,u can fear ooo, I was just playing a prank on you, I saw my period since last week, I just wanted to know your reactions,if you truly love me or u will leave me and chicken away"..
Ara na enwero nne Na Nna gbagbukwa this girl!!, you are playing prank with somebody's blood pressure and mental stability, what if I ran mad?.
I didn't know if I was angry or relieved,:
" please, go and look for another boyfriend, we are done, I'm too young to be having cardiac arrest every month, don't call this line again " I hung up..
To tell myself the truth,i was just trying to feign anger,I can never leave Efosa for any man, the sweet juju princess of Edo kingdom, the babe is too sugary, even if she is a witch, is it not me she will kill?,please everybody should mind their business mbok.
🎼baby go down baby down achikolo, ukwu ruo gi ani ukwu ruo gi ani achikolo!🎼..
Guess who?,my mum again calling!!.,what do I tell this woman now?,whose period will I tell her is missing?.. Old women and their wahala!! Or should I just tell her that it was a false alarm!!?..
Does she know the one they call false alarm...😂
I have to change my ringing tone first,I'm not ready for babies to be going down into wombs yet,..😹
Purely fictional