Siempre tuve la creencia de que la soledad era una cosa mala. Que estar sola era motivo de vergüenza. Que las personas que me veían haciendo algo sola sentirían lastima por mí.
Esta creencia me llevo a tomar decisiones muy equivocadas en cuanto a mis relaciones, pero sobre todo en cuanto a mi forma de relacionarme con las personas. Me llevó a ser complaciente, y adaptativa. Todo para que esas personas elijan estar conmigo, para no estar sola. La sorpresa, es que a las buenas personas esta actitud, le genera rechazo y las malas personas te absorben todo lo que pueden, toman lo que necesitan y luego, se van. Algo evidentemente no estaba funcionando.
A comienzos de 2023, transitando el duelo de una relación que sentí que me había roto por dentro decidí cambiar este modo de ver la soledad. Necesitaba poder estar conmigo y pasarla bien. Desde que mi relación se había terminado en noviembre del 22, casi no salía porque no quería hacerlo sola y mis amistades por una cosa u otra tenían otras cosas que hacer.
I always had the belief that loneliness was a bad thing. That being alone was a source of shame. That people who saw me doing something alone would feel sorry for me.
This belief led me to make very wrong decisions about my relationships, but especially about my way of relating to people. It led me to be complacent, and adaptive. All so that these people would choose to be with me, so as not to be alone. The surprise is that to good people this attitude generates rejection and bad people absorb you as much as they can, take what they need and then leave. Something was clearly not working.
At the beginning of 2023, going through the mourning of a relationship that I felt had broken me inside, I decided to change this way of seeing loneliness. I needed to be able to be with me and have a good time. Since my relationship had ended in November '22, I hardly went out at all because I didn't want to go out alone and my friends had other things to do for one reason or another.
Sin pensarlo y de una manera bastante impulsiva, me saque un pasaje para ir a pasar una semana sola a Mar del plata. La idea de estar sola allí me daba terror, pero pasados los días me motivaba la idea de la nueva experiencia, de un nuevo aprendizaje.
Without thinking about it and quite impulsively, I got a ticket to spend a week alone in Mar del Plata. The idea of being alone there terrified me, but after a few days I was motivated by the idea of a new experience, a new learning experience.
Viaje en micro durante toda la noche, llegue a las 7 de la mañana al hotel, en el cual me dijeron que no era posible hacer el check in hasta las 15hs. Dejé mi valija, agarre mi computadora, dado que no estaba de vacaciones y tenia que trabajar, y empecé a caminar buscando un café donde desayunar.
I traveled by bus all night, arrived at 7 am at the hotel, where I was told that it was not possible to check in until 3 pm. I left my suitcase, grabbed my computer, since I was not on vacation and had to work, and started walking around looking for a cafe where to have breakfast.
Cuando se hizo la hora volví al hotel. Me bañe, fui al gimnasio y al yacuzzi que estaba en la terraza. La verdad estaba un poco fresco, pero quería usar todas las instalaciones. De casualidad me enteré que era la noche de los museos de Mar del Plata, así que me arreglé y salí hacia el MAR – Museo Provincial de Arte Contemporáneo.
When it was time, I went back to the hotel. I took a bath, went to the gym and to the Jacuzzi on the terrace. The truth was a little cool, but I wanted to use all the facilities. By chance I found out that it was the night of the museums in Mar del Plata, so I got dressed up and went to the MAR - Provincial Museum of Contemporary Art.
Fui caminando, me había propuesto ir caminando a todos lados y estaba cumpliendo. Vi unas obras muy interesantes y aunque aparentemente la soledad no me molestaba, luego me dí cuenta que todo el tiempo le estuve mandando fotos a mi tia, compartiendo cada paso con ella. La soledad me estaba acorralando.
I went walking, I had proposed myself to walk everywhere and I was fulfilling it. I saw some very interesting works and although apparently the loneliness did not bother me, then I realized that all the time I was sending pictures to my aunt, sharing every step with her. Loneliness was cornering me.
Recuerdo volver un poco angustiada. Recuerdo pensar mucho en él, recuerdo preguntarme varias veces por qué no podía estar compartiendo eso la persona que amaba. Recuerdo haberme hecho esta pregunta, que me resonó durante mucho tiempo ¿Es verdad que no se estar sola, o si sé estarlo pero prefiero estar con él? Tal vez parece una obviedad. Pero a partir de esa pregunta todo cambio… porque abandone la creencia de que no se estar sola para tener la certeza de que sé estar sola y pasarla bien, solo que no lo prefiero…
I remember coming back a little distressed. I remember thinking about him a lot, I remember wondering several times why I couldn't be sharing that with the person I loved. I remember asking myself this question, which resonated with me for a long time. Is it true that I don't know how to be alone, or do I know how to be alone but I prefer to be with him? Maybe it seems obvious. But from that question everything changed... because I abandoned the belief that I don't know how to be alone to have the certainty that I know how to be alone and have a good time, only that I don't prefer it...
Me hice una rutina, iba al gimnasio, me bañaba, bajaba a desayunar, trabajaba, tomaba mates, almuerzo, un rato más de trabajo y a la playa. Todos los días cuando volvía de la playa pasaba por una heladería, y me moría de ganas de tomarme un helado. Pero ¿Cómo me voy a tomar un helado sola? Spolier alert: nunca me lo tomé.
I got into a routine, I would go to the gym, take a bath, go down to have breakfast, work, have some mates, lunch, a little more work and then to the beach. Every day when I came back from the beach I passed by an ice cream shop, and I couldn't wait to have an ice cream. But how can I have an ice cream alone? Spolier alert: I never had it.
Al pasar de los días me iba sintiendo cada vez mejor. El último día, terminé de trabajar temprano, me fui a la playa con mi libro y el mate y me compré unos churros. Me sentía super bien. Cuando atardeció me fui caminando a la casa de Victoria Ocampo, que ahora es un museo y tiene un bar muy lindo que me habían recomendado. Llegué, me senté y esperé que me atiendan… pasaban los minutos y nadie venia a mi mesa, empecé a notar que atendían a todos menos a mí. Llame a la camarera y le hice mi pedido ”Disculpa, pensé que esperabas a alguien” me dijo y la angustia me invadió. Volví al hotel llorando.
As the days went by I was feeling better and better. The last day, I finished work early, went to the beach with my book and mate and bought some churros. I felt great. When it got dark I walked to Victoria Ocampo's house, which is now a museum and has a very nice bar that had been recommended to me. I arrived, sat down and waited for them to serve me... minutes passed and nobody came to my table, I started to notice that they were serving everyone but me. I called the waitress and made my order "Sorry, I thought you were waiting for someone " she told me and anguish invaded me. I went back to the hotel crying.
Pero siempre me doy revancha… Me cambié y me fui a cenar… y para mi sorpresa, la pasé increíblemente bien.
A partir de ese día, me armo un plan por mes para hacer solo conmigo, ir a un recital, al teatro, a cenar.. Lo que tenga ganas de hacer, pero felizmente sola.
But I always give myself revenge... I changed and went to dinner... and to my surprise, I had an incredible time.
From that day on, I make a plan every month to do alone with me, to go to a concert, to the theater, to dinner.... Whatever I feel like doing, but happily alone.
