Control freaks all have one thing in common - a total lack of self control. It is because of this lack of self control that they seek to control everybody else often through holding positions of power and authority. They are the last people who should hold positions of leadership and yet somehow they always manage to get themselves into all of the important positions of power.
Power dramas are at the root of all existent struggles in humanity. Seeking power and control over others is driven by a need and desire for energy and security. It is a spiritual issue dating back to the dawn of existence.
Here I am having a rant about these energy vampires. (Continue reading for more important tips.)
There are four particular types of manipulative approaches commonly used by control freaks -
The Intimidator – Has an arrogant and aggressive approach towards others. Resorts to using fear tactics in order to control and exert authority. Underneath the aggression this person is often the most fearful type of person. They fear that if they drop their guard for even a second they too will be overpowered like the passive.
The Interrogator – Continually questions and probes the actions, motives and beliefs of others with the specific purpose of finding something to criticize in order to gain power over an opponent.
Aloof people – Resort to cold detachment as a means to avoid any kind of confrontation, answering questions and voicing opinions. The quiet, mysterious nature of aloof people propels others to probe for answers and understanding, which in turn drains their energy.
Poor Me – Attempts to gain power and control over others through pity. They tell the biggest sob story and apparently are always the victim of other people’s nastiness.
Often people swing between using one or two of these approaches depending on who they are dealing with or what the situation involves. You may also be propelled to change your approach if you are confronted with somebody who is using the same approach as you. Imagine putting two intimidators together? It would be like two bombs exploding on one another. In the poor me/poor me dynamic, both would be so busy telling their worst sob story attempting to out do the other for pity, that neither would be paying the slightest bit of attention to each other.
Taking the more passive approaches of aloofness and poor me, is no less destructive and is just as ineffective as the intimidator and interrogator because regardless of the approach it is still a means of manipulating and controlling others. In fact from a professional point of view the passive aggressive is by far the more difficult type of person to work with because they will actively defend their position at every turn. Being more inwardly aggressive and therefore less threatening towards others, they operate under the radar so to speak and are often stuck in a pattern of apathy, denial and avoidance, making their specific approach more difficult to see, acknowledge and correct.
The interrogator and intimidator on the other-hand are outwardly confrontational and controlling. Their behavior tends to be more obvious and distractive – they let their presence be known through using aggressive force and often leave a trail of upset, confused, hurt and angry people in their wake. Because these people are generally extremely fearful underneath the tough exterior an assertive person can easily call their bluff and disarm them by refusing to play into their power play.
In effect intimidators create either another intimidator or a ‘poor me’ and poor me’ create intimidators. Interrogators make others aloof and vice-versa.
Once you have identified and acknowledged the category fitting to you, see if you can figure out which approach your parents and siblings used and how the different approaches changed the dynamics of the relationships. For example; you may have taken the intimidator approach towards an intimidating parent whilst your brother took the poor me approach.
Now that you can see the dynamics at work you may be wondering why people operate with such dysfunctional and destructive behavior. The answer is in not knowing any differently to what has been learned. It is unconscious behavior that has been passed down from generation to generation. When parents and other adults operate with these manipulative approaches, in order to survive, a child must quickly develop their own manipulative approach to counteract the loss of energy and attention that is being stolen from them.
Rather than stealing the energy and power from others, a healthier more positive approach would be to acquire this energy from another source, the source that already exists within your Self. Truly empowered people do not need to control and manipulate others because they are in control of themselves and they know that the true source of power is within. In tapping into the inner source of energy supply one can then create harmonious relationships with others that are empowering for everyone.
In cultivating your own empowered nature, all else will follow. One can only heal others through first healing thyself. So be prepared to take the lead and begin to become exactly what it is you are wanting from others. If you have a need to be heard, you must first learn to listen. When I say “listen” I mean really listen to what others have to say, not only to the words but also to the body language and the meaning behind and between the words. Focus your eyes on the person and be completely attentive without interrupting.
The power of listening is extremely healing and validating. Few people have ever truly been heard and validated. Given the chance in a safe, non-judgmental environment can reveal and explain a lot about the reasoning behind someone’s poor behavior.
Empathize with the person and with what they are saying. Avoid the need to defend yourself if you feel like you are being attacked. Respond rather than react to others in a calm and relaxed manner. In responding calmly you will actually defuse an aggressor. Their negative energy will bounce off you and go back to where it came from and then that person will have to deal with their own stuff.
Fear nothing but fear itself. No one can take away your power, confidence and self-esteem unless you allow them to, so avoid throwing your power away by reacting, making excuses or resorting to defensiveness.
Practice resonating your voice and speech in a clear, confident and powerful, balanced way. In other words don’t mumble then yell all in one sentence. Keep it even and direct.
Learn to be assertive. There is a big difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness. Assertive behavior is empowering. Aggressive behavior is disempowering for both the aggressor and the aggressed.
Allow people to have their say before stating your case. Once they have got their view out of their system, they will be more willing to hear yours.
Avoid the finger pointing. Accusations such as, ‘You did this and you did that,’ won’t resolve anything. Instead make it a personal statement, e.g. “When this happened, I felt like this.”
Drop the judgments, name calling, criticisms and cynicism. Treat others the way you wish to be treated. Focus on their positive attributes, rather than on the negative and complement rather than curse.
Choose your times for settling disagreements. Morning is better than late in the evening when you’re tired. If an argument flares up, simply say, “I am feeling angry right now. I will be willing to discuss this with you later when I have calmed down.”
Confront when you no longer feel a need to confront. Through working on healing your own pain, hurt and un-forgiveness, you can resolve much for yourself. You will be bitterly disappointed if you expect that just because you have decided to change and take responsibility for yourself that everyone else will instantly change.
Don’t take what others say and the world personally. Often when others seem angry towards you, it is really themselves they are angry with. Let go of resentment and forgive. Forgiving the person doesn’t mean that you have to forgive the act. Separate the person from the behavior. A person who drinks excessively is an alcoholic, but they are not the alcohol. They are much more than that, even if they can’t see it themselves and can’t see what it is doing and causing them to do.
Accept others exactly as they are. You cannot change anybody but yourself. Nor are you responsible for the behavior of others. If you feel a need or desire to change somebody or your situation, start with changing yourself first. Lead by example and be prepared to take the higher road by seeing the big picture in a situation, rather than the negative, narrow view. Every challenge is an opportunity for you to learn and grow. Therefore ask, “What is the lesson I need to learn from this situation?”
Bad habits are difficult to correct and it will take time, patients and vigilance to undo them. Even the most eloquent communicator can come unstuck when sufficiently provoked. So be kind and patient with yourself and if you find yourself falling back into your old patterns of manipulative behavior, then correct yourself and get back on the wagon.
Sometimes when we are trying to change our behavior, those who are closest to us will have an uncanny way of subconsciously pulling us back into our old ways, basically because if you change, they also will have to change in order to keep up with you. This can be very threatening to some people because they won’t know where it is leading and so they fear the unknown. Again the answer is to accept them exactly as they are, even if it means that eventually you will have to walk away in order to maintain the higher standard you are setting for yourself and others. However be careful not to take the self-righteous path.
© Dee Coote
Dee is a Freelance Journalist, Holistic Living Counsellor / Coach with qualifications in numerous therapies. She is also an astrologer, tarot reader, course facilitator, a zealous researcher and keen human rights activist. Dee has been working in private practice and in the financial management /coaching area with private businesses since 2002.
Website: www.purespiritsavvy.com You Tube Channel: Pure Spirit