I did not know what I expected. But my situation is also not unique by all means. I am in fact luckier than others - but that then brings me back to the first statement: I did not know what I expected. My father is in academia, I have been in academia for a number of years, and I have been talking to others who are in similar positions than I am.
But then again, what did I expect?
I am struggling to find permanent employment in academia, and within my field work is so scarce even people with much more expertise and experience than me are struggle to find work - so what did I expect?
Due to this, and in trying to finish up my PhD, I am taking on work as much as I can find. Money is tight and we all need to eat something at the end of the night with a roof over our heads. In this, I am much more fortunate and lucky than others (caring families are rare these days but there are some out there).
So when I got the emails from various people asking me to help them with marking exam papers, I obviously said yes. By all means, send them over and I will help out - that is, the money looked good, so why not?
But I don't think people understand the soul crushing nature of marking philosophy papers. Math papers, and other monkey puzzle things are easier to mark. And again, I am not claiming that philosophy is all that different from others now, but philosophy is also in its own league.
The soul crushing nature of reading the nonsense that people can write is so bad that I would not want to force it onto my worst enemy.
Either way, the last couple of months drained everything from me. I got up early in the morning to mark papers, halfway through the day I worked on my PhD, and then again in the evenings while on video call with my fiance, I marked some more.
I did not have any energy left in my body, and I did not have any creativity left in me. I cannot remember when last I was this tired and overworked. I have not looked at my creative projects for weeks. My engagement on Hive tanked to an ultimate low, and I am not sure if this trend will stop for the rest of the year. I am waiting on feedback from a couple of projects on the horizon. Maybe a book, a couple of articles, and then lecturing...
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And this leads me to the question: Is this really what I have wanted to do with my life? That is an interesting question to ponder. It is best left aside for when you are not tired, overworked, and drained from any creative energy.
Because if you even try to think about this question when you are tired and you do not have anything left in your body, the horizon - which is pregnant with opportunity and gifts - becomes a deep dark and scary storm that is anything but inviting.
I have come to accept this fate, we need money, we need experience on our CVs, and we need to be busy every single second of the day - otherwise the always increasing machine will not be satiated. Life is about making yourself relevant to the ever growing neo-liberal-capitalist monster. Trying to "get out" is like committing a crime or trying to take your own life. If you are born into this system, you will die by its rules. Fighting it is like fighting your shadow.
There is some good left, we can still hope to some degree.
Or so I hope - but there is the glimmer of hope we need, in hoping that there is hope, we are allowed to hope.
On the horizon - even if it is stormy and uninviting - there is still hope; for rains bring destruction but also water, rebirth, and regrowth.
I remain forward looking.
P.S. Thank you for all of those who take the time to still read, who engage, and those who have battled the same battles, standing on the other side cheering us on...
All of the musings and writings are my own, albeit coming from a strange dark place. The photographs are my own, taken with my Nikon D300 camera.