For a change an assortment of funny jokes to shared
A bunch of nuns die in a freak accident. When they arrive to heaven they meet Saint Peter at the pearly gates. The first nun approaches him. "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" he asked. The nun blushes and says "Well, once I touched one. But just with my finger tip." Saint Peter says "Just dip your finger tips in the holy water and all will be forgiven." He asks the next nun the same question. She replies giggling "Well, I gave a man a hand job once." "Just dip your hands into the holy water and all will be forgiven," he says again. Suddenly there is a lot of movement among the nuns. "What is going on?" Saint Peter asks. One nun comes forward and says "If I'm going to have to gargle the holy water I'm doing it before Sister Mary dips her ass in it!"
Emma didn't get very much sleep last night so she kept falling asleep at Sunday school. While she was sleeping, her teacher decided to ask her a question, "Who created the universe?" The boy sitting next to her, Joey, poked her with his pencil to help her our. She jumped up and yelled, "God!" The teacher told her, "Good job!" and continued with the lesson. Soon after the teacher asked Emma another question, "Who died for our sins?" Again she is sleeping so Joey pokes her. She wakes up and yells, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher praises her again and continues. Not much time passes and the teacher asks Emma, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joey pokes her and she yells, "If you put that thing near me again, I'll snap it in half and shove it up your ass!"
Q: What has six balls and rapes the poor?
A: The lottery.
Tom and John are hanging out. Tom asks John, "It's fuckin' freezin' in here. Can you get me my fuckin' slippers?" John goes upstairs to get the slippers and he comes across Tom's hot 21-year-old twin sisters. He tells them, "Your brother told me to have sex with both of you." One of the sisters replies, "Prove it!" John yells downstairs, "Tom! Both of them?!." Tom yells back, "Of course! What's the point of fuckin' one?!."
Three pastors in a certain denomination -an American, a Chinese and a Puerto Rican were having some difficulty making a decision regarding their Sunday church offering; specifically, which portion they should keep as salary, and which portion should go to the Lord. The American said, “Whenever I collect the offering and the service is through, I put the money in a box, go outside, take a stick and draw a line on the floor and throw the money in the air. Whatever falls on the right is for the Lord and whatever falls on the left is mine.” The Chinese said, “I put money in box, I don’t draw line -I draw circle! I stand in center, throw box wit money in air -whatever fall on outside is mine and what fall inside is for Lord.” The Puerto Rican then replied: “Mi naw draw circle, mi naw draw line. All me do is put de money inna one box and fling it inna de air.... whateva de Lordd want, him betta grab it quick, cause what drop on de ground a fo mi!”
A man goes to a Japan on business and hires a prostitute for the night. He doesn't speak any Japanese and she barely speaks any English. While they are going at it she yells out, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Knowing that she has been satisfied he goes to bed. The next day he plays golf and one of his associates gets a hole in one. Everyone goes crazy, so to enjoy in the excitement he yells, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Everybody goes silent and one of his Japanese associates says, "What do you mean wrong hole?"
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better," said the dad. "Okay then... good night", said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but this dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized some thing and thinks aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!". Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Oh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, "What are you doing?" His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card." A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, "What are you doing?" His father says, "I'm playing cards." "Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks. His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."
One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks: "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?". His teacher replies: "NO" , Johnny moans and says: "But my mummy lets me". "OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies. Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks: "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger". She again says: "NO". "But my mummy lets me", says Johnny again. "Well I suppose it's OK", replies the teacher. Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming: "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON" Little Johnny replies: "It is not my finger either".
Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?" His mother replies, "The stork brings them." Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!". Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!", says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?". Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
A Concerned mother warns her little boy, "don't look at naked women or you'll turn to stone." Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women. But one day Johnny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked. Johnny remembered what his mother said, and turned and ran away from the woman, his friend finally catches up to him and asks why he ran. Johnny told his friend what his mother said, and then added, "and it must be true, because when I saw that woman I felt myself going rock hard in my trousers.
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johnny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.
Joe Bob goes to Billy Bob's barn to see what he's been up to. He sees Billy stripping for his John Deere tractor. He slowly removes his overalls and twerks on it. Joe bursts in and asks, "Billy! What are you doing?" Billy exclaims, "Dang Joe! You scared the life out of me! Me and the wife went to counseling and the therapist says I need to do something sexy to a tractor."
A blonde man and blonde woman are watching TV and they see that a particular tribe in Africa ties weights around their penis' to make them grow up to 24 inches long. The woman tells the husband that they should do it and he agrees. The next day she asks him how it is going and he tells her "Half way there." She asks him "It's 12 inches long?!" He replies "Nope. But it's black."
A man and his wife have a big argument. She yells at him and tells him to get out. He grabs his stuff and starts to walk out the door and she yells to him, "I hope you have a slow painful death bastard!" He yells back to her, "Now you want me to stay?!"
Johnny came to school with a black eye so his teacher asked him what had happened. He told her, "My family doesn't have any money, so me, my mom, and my dad all share a bed. My dad asked me if I was asleep yet and I told him no, so he hit me." His teacher told him, "Tonight when you go to bed, if your dad asks you if you're awake just pretend to be asleep." The next day Johnny came in with two black eyes. His teacher, appalled, asks him what happened. Johnny replies, "So I did what you said. Then the bed started shaking and my mom was yelling and my dad was grunting. After a while my mom yelled, 'I'm coming! Are you coming!' Then he yelled back that he was coming. But my parents never go anywhere without me, so I yelled, 'Wait for me, I'm coming too!'"
A man walks into the bank and walks up to the teller. She asks him "Can I help you sir?" The man replies "Yeah, I want to open up a fucking bank account." She tells him "Sir, we don't tolerate that sort of language here." She then gets the manager, who agrees that she should not put up with the man's language. The manager approaches the man and asks "Sir, do we have an issue here?" The man replies "No! I just want to put this motherfucking 100 million dollars I won in the goddamn lottery into a bank account." "Oh," says the manager, "was this bitch giving you trouble, sir?"
One day a wife asked her husband, "Honey, would you please mow the lawn?" Her husband responded "Who do you think I am, John Deer?" Later the wife asked, "Would you please paint the house?" Her husband said, "Who do you think I am, Sherwin Williams?" Then he left to go fishing for the weekend. When he got back home, he was surprised to see the lawn was mowed and the house was painted. He asked her how she got all of it done. She said, "The guy next door did it. He wanted me to either bake him a cake or give him a blow job." So the husband asked, "What kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "Who do you think I am, Betty Crocker???.
A man's wife is standing in front of a mirror naked and says "Look at me. I'm fat, wrinkly, and old. Is there anything still good about me honey?" Her husband responds "You have great eyesight!"
A man went to the doctor because he could no longer get an erection. The doctor told him to bring his wife in. So the next day the man comes in with his wife. First, the doctor tells her, "Take off all of your clothes." So she does. Next he tells her, "Now turn around... Okay, good. Now lie down." With this he pulls the man aside and tells him, "You are perfectly healthy. I didn't get a boner either."
A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack. He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed. An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge. The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean” The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK” The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?” Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much. So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man ejaculated on nurse’s hand. The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know 'Are my tests results back?’”
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b* tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b* tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b* tch in the kitchen."
Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.” She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing. “That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises. “Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.” “You’re absolutely right sweetheart, ”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. “Now why were you laughing?” she asked. “You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered. “True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. “Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter. “Why was it so quiet in your room last night?” “Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t* ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
Billy and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Billy says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Billy and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Billy reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE... She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Billy, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $ 1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $ 2.50 HAND JOB: $ 10.00. He walks up to the bar and
beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."
A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident!" she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."
A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden bubba, the boy he pay to mow his lawn comes in to take a piss. Well, the man can’t help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised, "bubba, what’s your secret?" Bubba says well, every night before I go to get in bed with a woman I whack my dick on the bedpost three times." So the man decides to try it that very night. So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says bubba, is that you?"
The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?” He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?” The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, “Why, no sir, all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!”
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?” The woman replies, “I’m a whore.” The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.” The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.” “No, that is still too crude. Try again.” They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.” The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?” “Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”
A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart... didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''
A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically, so he asked his dad. His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $ 1,000,000." He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes". "Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question." He did and came back and said, "She said yes." And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing." He did and came back and said, "He said yes too!" And the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a fag!".
--A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls to the floor laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
- A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.
- --A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $ 50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $ 50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"
--A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him, and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
--A young girl walks in on her parents --A young girl walks in on her parents having sex. She asks, "Mom, what are you doing to Dad?" Mom replies, "I was just letting the air out of him -he's too fat." The little girl replies, "Why? The lady next door is just going to blow him up again."
--An almost blind guy walked into Lover's Lane to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $ 500 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn’t quite fit. But, she figured, since it’s supposed to be see-through and since he’s almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all. So she came downstairs completely naked. "Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could’ve at least ironed the damn thing."
--A cowboy is riding on the plains. He comes across a young Indian man who is naked, lying on his back with a huge erection. Disgusted, the cowboy asked, "What in the Hell are you doing?" The Indian looked at the shadow of his dick and said, "It's 1: 00pm." The cowboy rode on. Soon he ran into another Indian. He was lying on his back naked with a huge erection. The cowboy again asked, "What in the Hell are you doing?" The Indian looked at the shadow and said, "It's now 2: 30 pm." The cowboy rode on. Later he came upon third Indian. He was lying on his back buck-naked and jacking off. The cowboy asked, "Jesus Christ! What are you doing?" The Indian replied, "I'm winding my watch."
--Two men went to a hooker. The first one went in and came out. He said, “Nah, my wife is better.” The second man went in and came out. He said, “Nah. You’re right, your wife is better.”
--A man bought a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner: … Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours? Son: At school (robot slaps the son and he immediately changes his mind) Okay, okay, I went to the movies! Dad: Which one? Son: Harry Potter (robot slaps the son again!) Okay Alright, I was watching porno. Dad: What? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porno is! (robot slaps dad) Mom: Hahahahaha! After all he is your Son! (robot gives Mom a hot dirty slap)
- --A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $ 50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $ 50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"
-Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like ot give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drugs and pursued them to give up drugs forever! I’ll see you here back in court on Monday.” Monday, the two guys were in court and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.” “17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?” “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: o O and told them this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.” “That’s very admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” He said to the second guy. “Well your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.” “156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?” “Well, I also used a diagram with circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, “This is your asshole before prison…”
--An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
--A little boy wanted $ 100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $ 100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President In District Of Columbia . The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $ 5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $ 95.in taxes
--One day a blond walks into a doctor’s office with both of her ears burnt. The doctor asks her what had happened. She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone. "Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?" "The bastard called again."
An Asian, a Mexican, a white man and a black man are on a plane. The Asian say’s, “This is for my country!” And he jumps off. The Mexican man shouts, “This is for my country!” And he jumps off. The black man shouts, “This is for my country!” And he throws the white man off.
Q. What’s the difference between your paycheck and your cock? A. You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q. What’s the difference between a rooster and a hooker? A. A rooster says cocka-doodle-doo a hooker says any cock will do.
Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman? A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children,
Q. What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A. A Dick-tater!
Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Doughboy.
A. A redheaded bitch with a yeast infection.
Q. What did one gay sperm say to another?
A. I can’t see a thing with all this shit in here!
Q. Did you hear about the girl who went on a fishing trip with 6 guys?
A. She came back with a red snapper.
Q. What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hours for a two-minute ride.
Q. What is the difference between a drug pusher and a prostitute? A.
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They don’t stop to ask for direction.
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you’re screwed.
Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A Fridge doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out!
Q. What do you call it when a 90-year-old man masturbates successfully?
A. Miracle Whip
Q. Why does Miss Piggy douche with lemon and honey?
A. Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.
Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common? A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.
Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.
Q. What's the job application to Hooters?
A. They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out.
Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A. A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside.
Q. If women with big tits work at Hooters, where do women with only one legwork?
A. IHOP!
Q. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A.
A tearjerker.
Q. How can you tell a head nurse?
A. She's the one with the dirty knees!
Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?
A. A penis... even a thought can raise it.
Q. What do gay kids get for Christmas?
A. Erection Sets.
Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Q. How did the tugboat get AIDS?
A. It was rear-ended by a ferry.
Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.
Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q. What's the best thing about a blow job? A. Ten minutes of silence!
Q. What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A. Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!
Q. Why do women wear black underwear?
A. They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.
Q. What is the difference between a bachelor and a married man?
A. Bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator, goes to bed. Married man
comes home, sees what's in the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.
A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt. Q. Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?
A. They went outside to exchange blows.
Q. Did you know 70% of the gay population was born that way?
A. The other 30% were sucked into it.
Q. Did you hear about the two gay judges?
A. They tried each other.
Q. What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites? A. Male fraud.
Q. How can you tell she's a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.
A. The grass tickles their balls. Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?
A. They exchanged loads
Q. What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A. A genealogist looks up your family tree.
A gynecologist looks up your family bush.
Q. What do a good bar and a good woman have in common?
A. Liquor in the front and the back!
Q. What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
A. He sticks it in Olive Oyl.
Q. How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?
A. He forgot to wrap his Whopper!
Q. Did you hear about the blonde with a PhD in Psychology? A. She'll blow your mind, too.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick wall? A. A brick walls only been laid once
Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint? A. It's not real bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy.
***Short Jokes***
--If money is the root of all evil why do churches beg for it?
--You’re not fat. You’re just easier to see.
--Love thy neighbor. Just don’t get caught.
--Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?
--Dear God. Save me from your followers.
--Roses are red That much is true But violets are purple Not fucking blue!
--I saw a guy on a motorcycle the other day and the back of his shirt said, “If you can read this, the bitch fell off.
--A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Q. What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball against each other?
A. Juan on Juan
Q. Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backwards?
A. They like the part where the prostitute gives the money back.
Q. What’s a Mexicans favorite sport? A. Cross country
Q. What do you call an Asian billionaire?
A. Cha Ching!
Q. What do you call an Asian woman with an opinion?
A. Wong!
Q. Why can’t Mexicans play Uno?
A. Because they steal all the green cards.
A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Newfies. The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its ass, and said, “This duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license, boy?” The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its ass, and said, “This ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba . You got a Manitoba license?” The Newfie reached into wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its ass, and said, “This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia . You got a Nova Scotia huntin’ license?” Again the Newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Newfie, “Just where the hell are you from?” The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, you’re the expert.”
A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $ 20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions." The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter," I’ll take one." The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow it’s training. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have a problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, "I’ll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sit there." The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly at the frog and says, "Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time...."
Husband: I have a problem at the office. Wife: After marriage, you don’t say I have a problem, say we have a problem. Husband: Ok, We are expecting a baby from OUR Secretary!
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $ 200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $ 6000." "Now," he concluded, "Which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"