”Watch your step!”

Welcome to my #blog. Those of you who follow me know my wife and I moved to Costa Rica in January, this year. We moved here because we fell in love with the country while vacationing. Visiting and residing in Costa Rica are like salt and sugar—worlds apart. None of the expats we’ve met or continue to meet will admit the locals are a bunch of buttholes until I say something first. In fact, prior to moving here, it was quite the opposite. I was under the impression everyone who lives here is pleasant and welcoming, business opportunities are abundant and real estate is affordable—lies. The expats who have transplanted here and continue to preach how great it is here are a bunch of liars—I’m surrounded by Buttholes And Liars.

Whether you’re on vacation or planning to relocate to Costa Rica, locals don’t want you here, you need to understand that and more people need to voice it. I believe the reason expats aren’t saying anything is because they’re ashamed to admit they’re wrong, they immediately invested their #life savings into the country prior to engulfing themselves in the culture, and they’re blind to the fact they’ve been dehumanized. They’ve accepted they’re not wanted here and have come to terms with it by avoiding locals and only socializing amongst fellow expats—fact.

Dehumanized

What you won’t hear is how everything is for sale here—“se vende.” When I say everything, I mean everything—houses, automobiles, businesses, condominiums, property, everything—se vende is spray painted up and down every structure in Costa Rica from coast to coast. They can’t get out of here fast enough.

The liars won’t tell you there isn’t any finance options available for transplants, either. Credit and centralized banking backed business loans, mortgages or automobile loans only apply to Costa Rican natives. Cash money is your only option as an expat—even the banks don’t want you here. In fact, you can’t even open a bank account here as an expat until you’ve proven you applied for legal residency at $1,375 per person plus provide proof of income and, even then, the terms and regulations make it not worth it. The daily maximum dollar amount you can withdraw from your personal Costa Rican bank account prior to residency is $1,000. That means, if you need $1,001 from your native source, you’d have to send yourself two separate transactions and withdraw them individually on two separate days. Ten thousand dollars means ten transactions requiring ten separate withdrawals over a 10 day period and so on.

Liars won’t tell you every single butthole has stolen from you, has attempted to steal from you and will continue to steal from you with no regard for their mirror. Locals understand you’re unfamiliar with their currency and they use that to their advantage. What I mean by that is, 50 Colones and 25 Colones are very similar in appearance and, each time they can cheat you out of 25 Colones, consider yourself cheated.

25 Colones is equal to $0.04—four pennies. Locals don’t see you as an easy four pennies, they see you as one of a hundred four pennies and, in a single day, after robbing 100 people for four pennies, they acquired a total of $4.00—the #life of a butthole. Expats have learned to accept it because “it’s only four cents” and at least it wasn’t ten. Expats need to have a talk with the mirror as well—if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.

The lowest denomination I’ve been burned for, that I’m aware of, is five Colones—$0.008, less than the value of one penny. That was at a grocery market from the grocery store clerk working the register after I purchased items and looked her in the eye when she counted back my change and said “10” while handing me five—five and 10 Colones are more similar in appearance than a dime vs. a nickel.

By the way, that’s the most interaction you’ll receive from a grocery clerk, they’re flat out rude to expats and tourists. They don’t want you here either and, each time you need groceries, you’re met with the same unwelcoming hawks employed by the market who stare over your shoulder throughout your shopping experience as though you’re on their most wanted list.

It forces you to hold up transactions while you count your change regardless of location—locals have to count change too; taxis, markets, restaurants, it doesn’t matter. By holding up a transaction to count Colones against your factura (receipt), you’re outwardly acknowledging you don’t trust them—it’s a horrible feeling and it sucks. Unless you’re dehumanized, of course. It’s even worse when you catch them short changing you and have to call them out on it.

Just the other day, Pura and I were having lunch at one of our favorite falafel joints. The owners are seemingly nice people originally from Canada. We told them we’re leaving because we’re appalled by the divide between locals and expats and were told “you just have to learn how to scream Nooooo!” Three week’s ago they told us a #story about how they’ve been here four years, they feel like they’re part of the community now and they #love Costa Rica. However, the other day they told us their restaurant is for sale and they’re going back to Canada—liars. They’re part of the problem. While we ate, we watched all of the buttholes snake tourists out of money.

A common thievery practice in Costa Rica is “car watching” but nobody actually watches your car—it isn’t necessary. What happens is, once you’ve returned to your vehicle and are pulling out of your parking space, a butthole pounds on your window with their hand out, demanding money and causing a scene by yelling “I watched your car!! I watched your car!!” Once you’ve been here for awhile you just ignore them and drive away. You’re perfectly safe to park your vehicle anywhere around here with locked doors but new people don’t know that—buttholes can spot #new tourists from a mile away.

Another common act of thievery here is charging unknowing tourists to enter public beaches. Buttholes go down to the local hardware store, acquire reflective vests to wear and then stand at beach entires charging money to anyone who will pay, typically it’s 2,000 Colones—a little over $3.00 USD. Tourists who just arrived don’t know any better and are taken advantage of for thinking it’s a park fee so they end up paying it—expats who have been here for awhile won’t tell you that. They won’t tell you to just walk right passed anyone wearing a vest as though they’re a ghost and ignore them, they won’t follow you and eventually will leave you alone.

Also, this is very important, if a butthole knows English, run! I learned that one from a Russian expat—excellent advice. The more English they know, the faster you run, what that means is they’ve really mastered their craft. It’s much easier to steal from someone when you speak their language. A butthole who speaks English that wants to sell you mahi-mahi—it isn’t mahi-mahi, it’s most likely corvina. Ask Hive account@puravidaville, she’s been on the receiving end of that one.

You’ll meet a lot of expats who will tell you they have a real estate agent you can trust and they’re familiar with the local housing market—liars. Firstly, the agent will speak English, that’s your cue to run! They don’t trust the real estate agent and, odds are, they got burned by the agent themselves. The truth is, that expat receives a 20% cut should you decide to purchase real estate—liars. That’s a country wide unwritten rule, referrals are worth 20%. That’s why every butthole and liar will suggest the best tour and tour guide by name, the best restaurant by name, the best scuba diving company by name, etc, just don’t forget to tell them who sent you—they’ll insist.

Have I made my point yet or do you need more examples? Unfortunately, I could keep going but I think I’ve painted a clear enough picture. If more expats would tell the truth, I believe less tourists would visit Costa Rica and, maybe over an extended period of time, all of the Buttholes And Liars would be forced to have a talk with the mirror.

Wishful thinking

Look, I didn’t want to reach this conclusion, I came here ambitious and with aspiration. We had plans, Pura and I were going to do X, Y and Z. It was never my intention to report back anything negative—no way! That wasn’t part of the plan. I wanted to be accommodating, possibly start our own business that catered to both locals and tourists, who knows? Pura was excited about possibly starting a food truck using only locally sourced ingredients on one of the beaches or maybe even some type of sunset dinner cruises, we had plans. We never considered our plan to be an exit door as soon as possible. Our plane is scheduled to leave this Sunday, a one-way shot to New York City before finally arriving in England and Sunday can’t get here soon enough! Peace the you know what out, Costa Rica! I’ll be sure to miss you just as much as you want me here—nil.