Cold Turkey
I’ll get straight to the point. To beat this addiction, you must quit Cold Turkey. This means no PMO (Porn, Masturbation, Orgasm), erotica reading, fantasizing, sexting, or any other artificial sexual stimuli. If you have to ask if something counts as porn, then it probably does. As Gary Wilson points out, the key questions are the following: “is your behavior reactivating sensitized addiction pathways, and are you overstimulating your already numbed dopamine system?”
Accidental exposure to sexual artificial stimuli is not a relapse (setback). The neural pathway involved in porn addiction becomes hardwired as one actively and deliberately pursues this addiction. Thus, stumbling upon a NSFW photo and averting your eyes immediately is not a setback.
Real Intimacy
It is helpful to rewire the brain with socialization, contact, intimacy and sex with a partner. Although not necessary to break down the addiction, this association with a real-life partner builds another neural pathway that counteracts the pathway built by porn. Thus, as one becomes sexually aroused, this may illicit a signal to enjoy intimacy with another person rather than illicit a signal to watch pornography.
Notably, many recovering addicts recommend abstinence from sex and orgasm during the initial phases of the “reboot”. This gives time for the genitals and brain to completely disassociate with the act of watching pornography. After a couple of months, couples may wish to introduce the practice of Karezza, which involves gentle and slow sex without orgasm. Later on, you may introduce orgasm during sex as long as you don’t feel drained afterwards for a lengthy period of time (12+ hours, days, etc.).
Moderation Does Not Work
Choosing to limit or moderate PMO does not work because it activates the neural pathway linked to the addiction. This activation creates intense cravings for more PMO, usually leading to more PMO sessions and a full-out binge. As a reddit user on the NoFap forum writes, “Peeking is dumb. You’ll lose progress, you’ll feel more numb…I feel like I have less emotions than I did prior to peeking, my focus wasn’t as sharp either…” (NoFap)
A useful idea is that 99% is a bitch, but 100% is a breeze. In other words, if you are 100% committed to stopping this addiction, then you will have a much harder time relapsing than if you were 99% committed. You wouldn’t be spending energy deliberating on whether or not to relapse, because you would be fully invested in your decision. As Jack Canfield writes in his book The Success Principles, “Once you are make a 100% commitment to something it requires no action from you because you’ve already decided…You never have to think about it again”.
Bullshit
Do not bullshit yourself over this addiction. “Peeking” at pornography is the same as deliberately watching and pursuing pornography. Drooling over girls on Instagram, second-glancing provocative photos, and giving yourself bullshit reasons to watch suggestive videos all contribute to the damage. Do not trick yourself and be naïve to the destruction wrought by this addiction. We all know what bullshit is – the universal language understood by all, so we should know when we’re speaking it ourselves.
Here is a great video explaining the bullshit we tell ourselves during porn recovery
Cravings Suck, Make a Plan
In your recovery from this addiction, you will experience cravings. These cravings are usually triggered by a cue of some sort. This could be browsing Youtube, clicking through multiple web-sites, or even starting up the computer in your room alone. Whatever it is, you must recognize these triggers and work to avoid them, especially if you are weak in will-power and feel like relapsing.
Although triggers usually precede cravings, sometimes cravings come out of nowhere. When you crave porn you should not feel bad, guilty, or ashamed about it. It’s natural and it won’t set you back. In fact, it shows that you are rewiring your brain out of the addiction. The important thing is that you don’t give in to the craving and engage in PMO.
Most of the time the cravings will be weak - you can swat them away like flies. However, sometimes the cravings are so intense that your thoughts turn against you and every cell in your body is urging you to PMO. When these moments happen, when you feel like you have no control, you must have a plan of action. You might call someone – perhaps an accountability partner. You might do ten pushups and walk outside. Or you might read over success stories (or stories of people relapsing and regretting it). Whatever it is, have a plan in place that works best with you. This addiction will challenge you. You must have a solid plan when you are strong, so you can act accordingly when you are weak.
Day by Day
Recovery from porn addiction is a marathon, not a sprint. I frequent the NoFap reddit forum. Over and over again I see people relapse, fill themselves to the brim with motivation, and break down one week later, only to refill their motivation tank and start all over again. Their daily porn-addiction habit turns into a weekly porn-addiction habit, broken up with heavy binges on the weekend.
You want the same outlook, drive, and motivation on Day 1 as you do on Day 100. You want to hate this addiction just as much after a relapse as you do on Day 30. So take this recovery day by day. Treat every day like it is your last. Don’t focus on hitting Day 90, Day 30, or even Day 7. Focus on Today.
Support and Motivation
This journey is incredibly difficult. It’s very beneficial to have an accountability partner to ease the burden. Call them, talk to them, and be around them when you are weak and need help. In addition, an online community is a great place for support. You can read the countless experiences of others going through the same exact situation as you, or anonymously and freely express yourself by posting.
These forums are also PACKED with success and motivational stories. If you feel down or weak, these stories will keep you going. They will show you that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that your situation is not any different than anyone else’s.
Here are some great communities and resources:
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php - The official forum of the NoFap subreddit
https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/ - The NoFap subreddit focused on abstaining from PMO
https://www.reddit.com/r/pornfree/ - The Pornfree subreddit focused solely on abstaining from porn
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-accounts - This page has an abundance of success stories
Sources/References
Wilson, Gary. (10/5/2011). https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/what-stimuli-must-i-avoid-during-my-reboot-did-i-relapse
https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/7a0jcs/peeking_is_dumb/
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/lovers-ultimate-sex-hack-karezza
Breaking Pornography Addiction: Get out of the BS Box!