Here goes,
A small step into my recovery process, trials and tribulations. My recent admission into rehab where I sit and write this post and the long journey I have ahead.
Im a 28 year old white male, by all accounts Im the perfect example of white privlidge as much as I hate the notion.
I know if I was a coloured individual I would have found myself locked up for things police have merely given me a warnings for.
It's a strange thought to be sitting in a private rehabilitation facility that is so far from reach from so many deserving people but all I can do to the best of my ability is tell you a story.
Its a story filled with ups and downs, divorce, addiction, violence, drug overdoses,burnt bridges and over a decade of detrimental and destructive behaviour that by all accounts should have seen me 6 feet under in a pine box.
Yet here I am. In a $1200 a night room finally trying to take some responsability for my life choices.
Theres a saying I have always loved. You can't change who you are overnight. You can change your direction.
So here it is, I virtually hit the trifecta of addiction.
Drugs mainly, gambling certainly and fortunatly for my sake alchohol isn't among those.
Not to say it hasn't caused problems. Its just never been a go to for my substance abuse. More so an issue when I eat 40-80mg of xanax and binge drink for 3 days at the casino spending thousands in a drone like state entirely unaware of the hole I'm digging and how deep its truly become.
I've know for years im an addict. I convinced myself Marijuanna is the lesser of two evils. Most people go home and have a glass of wine or beer at the end of the day. My glass of wine just happend to be bowl of weed.
It wasnt until the coke addiction came recently that I realised how out of hand things had truly gotten. 200k plus out of hand coupled with the loss off a second job within 6 months.
I truly felt I was at rock bottom. I had bills in one hand and a hotshot in the other ready to give it all up and try make the pain finally stop.
Would it stop if I killed myself though... fuck no. Suicide doesnt cure your pain. It stops you from recovering and finding happiness.
So here I am. Room 201 feeling life could have been so different if I was the type to take advice and learn from others mistakes instead off needing to experience them myself.
Day 1 of 14-24 met my consultant. Discussed a treatment plan and although I remain sceptical as to my future and treatment plan Im commited to beating these demons that have plauged me for years. Not just best them. Its time to grind those bastards into dust.
My phscologist provided the most accurate and simple commet/question the other day.
It had never really dawned on me that I have being living life wrong.
Just because you wake up and breath, go to work each day and eat all your meals. If your not happy. Have you really succeeded. Depression affects countless humans througout their lifetime.
If you take anything from this article please let it be this. We are all human. Fallable creatures going through the motions of life the best way we know how. Some off us just need to learn the correct way to live.
We dont need judgment. We need support and assistance.
Day 2
So I'm still alive. Or at least I think I am.
The constant urges of wanting to score a hit and remove myself from reality is a repetetive reminder of that.
It's possibly one of the most amazing days I have seen in months. Perfect spring weather yet entirely overshadowed by the addictions that plauge me.
Its been 48hrs since I put an 8 ball of rack up my trumpet.
I needed a further gram of ketamine to bring myself down and I smoked nothing short of a quarter before I managed to succumb to the 3rd day off being awake.
I've been told multiple times to put pen to paper, thought into words or just to simply recount my side of the story that is so often misunderstood.
To know and understand this is a long road filled with trials, tribulations, success and failure.
For you to understand who I am or how I came to be here I will be producing a more detailed account of my history.
For now though I'll keep this inline with my rehabilitation recovery.
Day 3
I’d be lying if I said this was easy. Although as the saying goes nothing worthwhile should ever come easy. I know I could abscond from this facility make a couple phone calls and blaze the rest of the week away in a hail of Booze drugs and sex…. Sounds like fun but after over a decade of this I know the instant gratification will only make for further turmoil down the road. I was on my last legs of this lifestyle. My family couldn’t continue seeing the damage I was doing to myself and if I’m being honest the thought of ending my life was starting to seem like the easiest way out. Since when has topping yourself ever been an easy option. You truly realise once you’re at that point how far down the rabbit whole you have gone.
So as I have said prior here I am, writing down my thoughts and trying… truly trying to put these demons to rest. This isn’t my first time in a rehab facility like this. I successfully kicked an oxycontin habit back in 2013. The day I got out and returned home my wife left me. I truly though that was rock bottom and I managed to steer my life back into a positive or what I thought was a positive direction. The suboxone programme ensured I didn’t relapse but drugs were still a large part of my life although oxy and pain meds were not. I was a newly divorced bachelor trying to find my place and naturally the access to other substances like cocaine afforded me the lifestyle I wanted at the time. Fast forward 4 years and before I knew it I was addicted to Benzos and virtually any other upper I could get my hands on.
I’m determined this will be my last time I relapse and continually damage myself with substance abuse. For one I couldn’t put my family through it again and secondly, I couldn’t do it to myself again. Creatures of habit are nothing but creatures and it’s time I dropped my habitual spiral to the inevitable outcome of death.
So I’ve given up benzos and pot finally as I mentioned prior and I’m sitting on day 3 of my programme. It was a tough day, I slept all around 2 hours and was thrust into group therapy sessions without having the time to gather my thoughts and recuperate. The subject - positive thinking and reinforcement. It’s hard to be positive when your hardwired to expect the best from yourself. I am at core a perfectionist and realising I needed the time to gather my thoughts highlighted how far I still must come.
There’s an inspirational young man in here that truly made me realise how miniscule my problems are in the grand scheme of things. It’s not to say my problems are insignificant, but perspective and removing one’s thoughts and taking a step back can really make you realise how selfish one can be during recovery. This young male is an amputee at the age of 23, he suffered a horrific injury from a moving train that removed the lower half of his leg yet not once have I seen this man cry poor me or woe is life, as I said, truly inspirational, 5 minutes in this young man’s presence was more perspective than I could handle. I truly felt like a POS. Here I was sooking about not having a cigarette and enough time to wake up yet here is a man that can manage to put a smile on his face and remain positive in a situation that would have people in a catastrophic state. Perspective... It can truly make you wonder.
My day turned upside down after our quick chat and smoke. I have my health and although I have my problems they truly seemed miniscule in the grand scheme of things. Perhaps recovery won’t be so hard, saying you can’t be sad because someone has it worse is like saying you can’t be happy because somebody else has it better. It’s an oxymoronic statement.
The rest of the day seemed to flow smoothly, I hit the gym, ate 3 solid meals and interacted with people going through the same motions and issues as myself. The urge to score is still there but I’m thankful booze was never a cause or root of my problems as I have seen alcoholics suffering so hard they started to drink hand sanitizer to try and get wasted.
Today’s entry seems a little long winded and perhaps I have started running in circles but all in all it was a step in the right direction. Woe is me no more. Not when there’s a young bloke that can find to put a smile on his face even in the direst circumstances.
I am a product of my own choosing and it’s time to accept this. It’s not the dealers fault for supplying me drugs it’s not my ex-wife that’s made me bitter and build up walls and trust issues. It’s me and only me and perhaps now I am starting to see this I can gain traction and find the strength to see this through.