I swear, this is the last time…
I swear, THIS is the last time.
I swear, this IS the last time.
I swear, this is the…last…time.
Can you count on your hands the number of times you've said you were stopping? For most of us it's a damn joke, a statement we constantly utilize to bridge our guilt and emotions to the world where we continue to use. It serves as an exit point you know you want to take (and at times say you will), but for now it will remain a distant thought…one to revisit once in a while, and "assure" yourself it will happen…in time.
Somewhere along the line, you begin to revisit the thought of that exit door more often. This is usually a good sign, or at least one representative of turning your ship in the right direction. For the times where you attempt to walk through that door and didn't, try not to ride down on yourself too hard - that's one attempt more than you had before, to be stacked on all previous attempts which now serves as your foundation of progress. I'm sure you can recall countless times where you came to a crossroad of whether or not to use, filling you with an overwhelming sense of guilt and disappointment. Each time though, you managed to break through that wall…strengthening your ability to over-power your emotions, and in essence become your own worst enemy.
Remember that even though you've developed quite a talent of ignoring your natural emotions, your spirit will always remain it's true self. All other physical aspects you believe to encapsulate who you've become, are 100% changeable. Note that prior to this time period of addiction, there's probably 15-20 years of "you" that was stimulated by the natural highs of living. So take a moment to reflect on that period of your life, because it was real - a journey of challenge and growth, rewarded with what you knew to be true, warm, happy moments.
So…do you really think only so many years of addiction can win against 15-20 years of natural growth?
The answer is no, it can't…but in order to make that a reality, you've got to start putting some of your eggs in the right basket. Even if only a couple at a time, treat this process as an investment opportunity for yourself - one to eventually grow and serve as a protective barrier against the smaller demons that want in. You've lived majority of your life going through 50% struggle and 50% reward, which is how it's supposed to be…it's what makes the good times good, and the bad times bad. Over a short period of time though, you've now built a house of smoke and mirrors that on the outside says "10% struggle and 90% reward" - but on the inside is 100% struggle.
Let's turn this one around - not to go back to the beginning, but a new direction. One where you can look back on everything with thanks, because without it all you wouldn't be where you are now…on a one way path that leads to only higher heights and new beginnings.