Over the decades, I have listened to people speak of their feelings, hurts, and frustrations through their own eyes, needs and experiences, hardly ever, if ever, broadening their view of how their views, statements or actions affect other human beings. Most humans, from my observations, much of the time, are very egocentric. This is one reason, in my humble opinion, why there is endless conflict and perpetual war between some nations as well as within families, neighborhoods and churches
I think most humans understand, to varying degrees, that living on earth is about balancing the complexities of life and all the relationships that are entangled in their life: from family, to enemies, to pets, to the environment, to conflicts of interests, and even to other dimensions. Life, and especially relationships and how one feels about themselves, is complex. I believe there is a time to be egocentric; a time to focus on oneself in order to heal, get clarity and get strong. But once one is healed and strong, it’s time to be more generous, compassionate and understanding by seeing situations through other people’s eyes. If a person never matures enough to get out of their egocentric vortex, and chooses to stay in their egocentric view and vortex of self focusing, life for them will perpetually be out of balance. It will lock them into an emotional prison of their own narrow view of life and situations that initially forced them into retreating into their protective shield of egocentric focus to begin with. Sadly, this perpetual mental prison they created for themselves, in an attempt to balance their emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical or perhaps even financial survival, starts to have the opposite affect. It is kind of like the premise that a little medicine will heal but too much of the medicine can be lethal.
A simplistic example, though still a very damaging one, could be the parent and adult child relationship. Over the pass few decades, it has become more and more an issue of how children, especially adult children, are showing less and less appreciation and respect for their parents. Often listening to these adult children of: 25, 35 or 45 years-of-age, can be shocking to me, as they seem stuck in their egocentric vortex field of the “me, me, me” focus. On some issues, these adult children don’t appear to ever get strong enough, at least emotionally, to see life through their parents eyes. Some seem stuck at an emotional level of an eight or eighteen –year- old, brooding about some perceive or sometimes real injustice done to them that has sometimes been blown way out of proportion through the years. Memories are not always accurate, and at best can often be very one sided and subjective.
It is indeed true that some parents have abandon their children, sexually, or physical abused their children, or did not provided their children with the basics needs of: a warm roof over their heads, food on the table, medical care when needed, an education, social opportunities, and letting them know that they were, and are loved. But most parents, at least here in America, did, and do provide these basic needs for their children; sometime at great sacrifice to one or both parents.
Sometimes the issue for the adult child seems so petty that I have to put on my kid gloves and take each step ever so carefully as to not step on a childish landmine of the adult child. An example might be when a thirteen-year-old girl reacts disrespectfully repeatedly, sometimes violently while calling her mother a whore, and how her mother doesn’t command respect because the mother would not buy the child a new outfit. This adolescent behavior is bad enough, but not to be shockingly outdone by the thirty-seven- year-old daughter who still holds on to “resentment” for the mother who refused to buy her new outfits when it was not needed, nor could not be written into the budget. A healthy adult grows into the understanding of why outfits demanded by them and other demands, in their teenage rage and meltdowns were not purchased; yet sometimes, shockingly, the adult child never matures to the level of coming out of her “egocentric me vision” to realize the affect her disrespectful actions and rudeness had on her overworked mother. A mother, especially a single mother, who probably was trying to get the mortgage paid, the electricity paid, the phone and cell bills paid, the computer paid for, gas in the car, food on the table, car repairs, house maintenance, insurance, dental bills and a myriad of other bills, while juggling car pools, fighting children and figuring out how to be in three different places at the same time to meet her children’s desires and needs. Most parents, especially single parents deal with all of that, and a lot more while trying to carve out a little breathing time for herself, out of her 24/7 responsibilities making life safe for her children.
Shockingly for some, children can be bullies to their parents. It is not always easy being a parent to an out-of-control child, or teen. Parents are tested everyday to remain as calm as possible while their children have meltdowns under the most inopportune moments. How many times has a parent said no to their child only to get sass back and be reproached by their teen, as the teenager goes into attack mode for not getting what they want then and there. The amount of anger I have seen thrown at parents, relentlessly by some teenagers is scary, and yet, these same teens complain about the parents because their parents finally broke down under the pressure, and yelled back at them… not a good thing, but understandable considering the circumstances as parents are human.
Many of the stories I hear today are not what is familiar to me and my generation. Many times when these grown women complain about their parents, especially their mothers, not always, but often enough, I conclude that these adult women with “mother issues” are dealing with their own mental issues by refusing to grow up emotionally and see life outside of their own egocentric world. If the teen was a bully to their mother, one would hope by age thirty or forty, the adult child would not continue to be an emotional bully to their parent. Yet, how many adult women refuse to speak with their mothers or have limited contact with them simply because they have “childhood resentments” that may or may not be the parent’s issues but their own issues of expecting too much, or bullying their parent because they did not get what they wanted, when they wanted it?
When my siblings and I were in our early teens, we were expected to take on more and more responsibility for ourselves each year as we got closer and closer to adulthood, and that included figuring out how to take care of ourselves. If we wanted anything extra beyond the necessities, we had to earn the money ourselves: yardwork, shoveling snow, mowing lawns, babysitting, pet-sitting, cleaning houses, and when we were old enough to hold down a part time job, we got a job. And the money we earned was used to buy what we wanted that was not in our parents’ budget. My parents may have gotten me shoes and sneakers each year, but if I wanted more expensive shoes then what was budgeted for, I saved my money until I could buy it myself. I would never throw a fit because my parents said no to me. I understood my parents worked hard, and that that their money went just so far and there had to be a priority for everyone’s safety on how it was spent. Some of my friends were lucky enough to get an allowance that they could save and use to purchase any extra clothing, electronic equipment or hobby equipment they wanted, but we never got an allowance. It was not my parents fault; their money just didn’t stretch far enough to give us an allowance. We understood that. We did not sass, insult, or talk back violently to our parents when they said no.
Most parents work hard. Most parents will stretch their financial and emotional limits to give their children what they want, beyond what they may need. Sadly, there are some parents who drink too much, do not handle money well, are egocentric and would choose to take a vacation for themselves without considering, let alone first meeting, their financial obligation for their children’s basic needs; but gratefully those parents are in the minority. For the most part, most parents are responsible to their children and would walk through hell for them. The question becomes, do the children appreciate it? Do the children act in a respectful manner to their parents? I understand that the often tumultuous teenage years, and sometimes through young adulthood, children cannot see beyond themselves. Some have not learned how hard their parents worked to provide for them. They have not learned compassion, empathy or understanding, and are often stuck in the “me vortex” of resenting their parents for petty things, or for refusing to look at the parental frustration that they caused their parents.
Children can act out. Some children can more than act out and behave in violent ways. There have been children who have pulled a knife on their parents simply because the parent told the child to go to their rooms for being rude. Yes, that is an extreme case, and obviously there was some emotional instability in that child that needed professional intervention. But when adult children are still complaining about their mothers to me, generally I find the parent was doing the best they could in loving and meeting their parental obligations, and the angst that the adult child continues to feel toward the parent, is basically because the adult child, on some levels, emotionally never grew up; or they wouldn’t continue to blame and hold so much resentment toward the parent.
So how much do you value your parents? How much do you understand what they went through for your benefit? How much do you understand what they sacrificed for you that went beyond their parental obligations? Were you a gentle child? Were you a difficult child… perhaps a little of both? Did you sass your parents? Did you insult your parents? Did you ever physically threaten your parents? Did you steal from your parents…lie to your parents… stay out after curfew? Did you ever make your parent worried sick because they didn’t know where you were? Did you refuse to get out of bed and go to school,… did you skip school, did you repeatedly refuse to do your homework? Did you ever forge your parent’s signature on a check, or make a call pretending to be your mother to get out of a class? Did you do your chores regularly and help out around the house and yard? Did you ask your parents daily what you could do for them? If you had pets, did you care for them, and clean out the litter box? Did you ever come home drunk… smash up a car, or destroy their property? Did the police ever knock on your parent’s door because of your actions? Did you use drugs? How easy or hard did you make parenthood on your parents? Most parents always forgive their children and never give up on them. Your parents took a risk and brought you into the world. You came with no instructions. The world is not an easy place, and your parents were responsible for your well being and development no matter the circumstances.
Raising a child is the most important job in the world and the most demanding under the best of circumstances. Factor in poverty, losing a job, medical issues, or single mothers chasing down father’s for child support, or the long list of other potential issues, and raising a child becomes exponentially harder. If your parent was sober whiling put your needs first, kept a roof over your head, food on the table, kept you in clothes and pointed out opportunities for you, consider yourself lucky. Look at the childhood you had and how many children in the world would have loved to have what you had.
Parenting is not easy, and sometimes a lot of guilt can come with parents when they feel they are providing a less than ideal childhood for their children. At one time, when I was working with young mothers of an affluent status, their biggest guilt they would confide in me was that they “yell and scream at their kids too much.” It is the exception to the rule of a parent not yelling ever at their kids, unless the parent only saw their kids for limited time periods. When I worked with parents, who had financially challenges, they too felt guilty for yelling at their kids too much. But if those kids were in a safe neighborhood, had sober parents, rich or poor, the kids would generally be fine. The ideal childhood does not exist. The kids I worried about had parents who were drunks, addicts, sexually perverse, put their needs first before their children’s, lived in a neighborhood that was not safe, had limited access to food and appropriate clothing for their child, did not follow through on the medical, educational or social needs of their child. So when adult children complain to me about their parents and their childhood, I look at their childhood for what they had, not for what they didn’t have and we go from there.
Children can’t be blamed for their actions as they grow up while trying to figure themselves and life out. But if you are thrity-five, or forty-five-years old, and you still have childhood resentments towards you parents, then maybe the issue is you, and not them? The majority of parents, especially the mothers will generally do anything for their children, while loving them unconditionally. Have you learned to love your parents unconditionally? Or, do you still need more help in emotionally growing and maturing to the point where you can have appreciation, respect, empathy, compassion, and understanding for your parents and what they went through to raise you? Once you get out of the “me vortex” of viewing life, especially your view of your parents, you will find yourself living a much more balanced life, where you can receive more, while contributing more to the world at large by bringing more love, understanding and compassion into a world that isn’t so nice to many people. If you can’t find it in yourself to love your parents, at least figure out why it’s emotionally healthy for you and everyone in your life to at least respect them. They gave up a lot to raise you. And your Mother…..your mother sacrifice so much of her life for you, not the least was putting her health on the line to birth you.