I will present this topic slightly differently than I regularly do with questions and answers. First, the question as it came to me from a young man, then my reply and following that a comment from a woman who wanted to contribute to our discussion. After which I will add my ending statement. Those of you who are married are welcome to add your own tips and wisdom in the comments. I think this post will help many, now and in the days to come.
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Hi,
I have been married for five years and everything is fine. We love each other, have two lovely children, good health, and successful careers. Everything is really OK but sometimes I feel though that something is stuck in our love life. It is as if we lost the great passion; life looks stagnant and I want to move it forward. I want to renew the feelings we had. Can I do something?
John
Hello John,
Boredom in a relationship usually appears when you think you know everything about your spouse. Your need to know more, in itself, comes from a continuous deep desire to get to know your own aspects. At first, when you meet a new person you fall in love with what they have to offer to you in regard to revealing hidden parts. Intuitively you feel that the person will greatly influence your life so you fall in love with them. After some time, while that person "has served his/her purpose" you intuitively, again, feel that your spouse won't have anything more to contribute to your progress. Intuitively, you then seek other people that would reveal to you more hidden aspects that comprise your soul self. This dynamic is one of the main causes for the collapse of monogamy in our era.
Both of you can indeed do something. One of many remedies for your situation can be "secrets sessions", when you and your wife spend time together, without interruptions, feeling safe, relaxed and secured and choosing to reveal secrets to each other from the past, either before you got married or after.
...and don't think that there are no secrets. There are clearly known and conscious things that both of you have not dared to share with each other. For if you had dared you would not have to ask your question now.
Make sure you share a meaningful secret; one that propels you to feel uncomfortable, to question yourself and above all the reason for holding back until now.
Secrets sessions will surely move a lot of energy. If you and your wife truly love each other then your relationship will greatly benefit from the experience.
Good luck
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Following is a comment from Sharon, a young woman who was a witness to my chat with John:
Dear John, as I read your question what jumped out at me was to make sessions with your wife that are very much still dates like those before getting married. As a woman and a mother I can tell you that one often longs for the passion of the dates before marriage and before the children. To feel that the love of your life still feels that longing of conquest. The passion of marriage often ends because for some strange reason one feels that the conquest is final but to me the eternal feeling of love is there always if one knows that one will never tire of seeing every morning the wonder that one saw the first moment the love appeared.
Life will feel stuck only when we forget where we have come from and remember how far we have already come. To grow up does not mean to quit being all that we have been up till then but it means that now we are child, teenager and adult and as such we are much stronger. The now moment is our past combined in the present creating wisdom and the future is the many potentials of that wisdom already gained.
One more thing, sometimes success in life makes one forget the child that is inside, the teenager. Romance belongs in the child becoming an adult and even if we go beyond that in some ways, we must always keep that wonder of childhood alive so love will never end. This also makes not only our spouses most happy but it makes the parenting part of our lives a delight. May your life be always full of dreams and conquest!
And here is my closing statement -
I agree with Sharon's advice. Besides, role-playing and changing identities boost up any stagnant human system and in particular intimate relationships.
However, this may be applied only after a stable relationship has been achieved. I would not recommend "conquest" experiences during the courting time since such experiences might easily turn into games of duality in which one side (usually the girl) limits herself in thinking that it's the other side's job (the man's) to conquer her.
Such thinking is a serious limiting belief.
When one wants to be conquered then one automatically makes himself/herself inferior to their conqueror. Whereas such status may be appropriate to refresh the game of romance, it might be fatal to any relationship in its first steps.
Be cautious.