Do you know what my biggest, gut wrenching fear is? The kind that twists my insides and fills me with the deepest of dread? (No, of course not! What the hell am I thinking? Random people knowing my stuff...) Well, I shall tell you anyway! My biggest fear is sharing my opinions, expressing myself and all around talking in general, always gets my panties in a wad. That thing that is such a norm in our society of social media. Where people are free to share all sorts of thoughts (ALL of them...) and even pictures of what they are eating, to the point of annoyance. Communicating is an accepted norm, even a necessity to growth between people, be it a personal relationship, a country or a species as a whole; why is it so darn hard for me?
Where would we be without the ability to communicate ideas, experiences and perspectives?
It is funny, this fear… Considering some of the things I have done with life that baffles other people:
Joining the Marine Corp. infantry in high school and doing my two tours in Iraq. (Not too crazy.)
Taking an abundance of different pill’s and usually mixing it with alcohol. This I did quite a bit for quite some time. Than having two overdose hospitalizations to go with it and momentary death. (Getting there, but this is becoming more of a norm.)
Rock climbing cliffs and waterfalls with no rope or, really, even having any experience. Nothing crazy but enough that if I were to take a tumble, I would not be enjoying my life as I know it or, you know, at all.
Leaving my job, my relationship and selling and/or repo'ing my car too than leave to far off places with no idea of what or how I was going to get by. As well as taking very little money with me but having faith that, somehow, things would work out. All because of an overpowering feeling telling me to “Go here!”. And doing this not once, nor twice but thrice!
But sharing any of my experiences or just plain communicating with people has my insides like,
"You better keep your mouth shut!'
Why though? I have learned and experienced a lot through these things and I know that “knowledge not shared is knowledge wasted.” I could list a slew of childhood experiences that may (most likely) have contributed to my mild insanity. But I am not going to, I am just going to confess that I have severe anxiety and lack self-confidence.
I have just recently read from a book called “The Secret of the Shadow”, and in their it says something along the lines of when we are born we are free. Free to truly BE. But something happens along the way that tells us that to Be free and truly expressive is bad. We are taught that we need censorship over ourselves; to wear a mask. This becomes ingrained in us to such a point that we actually come to live our lives as the OPPOSITE of who we really are. To create such a mask in order to protect our self-identity as to become the complete OPPOSITE of who we really are.
This tidbit is interesting because in Guatemala I happened upon a teacher who says that one way to tame the mind is to do the OPPOSITE of what your Ego tells you. This is to Ego-bust yourself a bit. Challenge yourself. Face your fears. All differing tones of the same tune.
Now we take a turn off into a somewhat different direction; how alcohol can be a tool for good. Now, now... I know what some of you are thinking;
“What! Alcohol is beneficial!?! Bullocks! ‘Tis the devil, good sir! What tomfoolery dost thou speaketh?”
And, yes, I do get it. It has been used as a tool in society for other, less than beneficial, reasons. Keeping people in check, numb to themselves and offering a means of escape for people who have this inner feeling that something is wrong with their life but don’t quite know what else to do. Though, it seems, we’ve all been trained to focus on the negative aspect of things.
I have seen articles stating that alcohol can lead to something akin to “demon possession”, hence one of the names for it being “spirits”. I have not only seen this effect in real life but have experienced it myself and thus know the validity of this statement. But remember, we are shifting focus from negative to the positive. Does it not also make some people more jovial, celebratory, loving? Do people also open themselves and spill their feelings or begin to really express themselves in song, dance or speech?
Do you know how many famous writers of the past were alcoholics? (Damn near all of them...) Perhaps the reason for having the name “spirits” is because your mask comes down and YOUR Spirit begins to shine through. Albeit through a buzzy, wobbly projection. Any demon that would come out is just a hidden part of yourself. The repressed, hurt individual with shadow’s to face and is now unfiltered and thus released for the world (and perhaps even the individual) to see and become aware of.
Please, don't misconstrue what I am saying. Because no, I am not trying to promote alcohol as the greatest of things. I know from many experiences that it is not. Sometimes it is fun to play devil's advocate though. A mental exercise in the others knowledge and influence on a subject and than taking the opposing view. Just to see if I have any convincing knowledge on something I may not even truly believe in. But I can understand and perceive a positive on both ends from my own experiences with this creature.
For me, in the past, there were many a time that I would write and post things on social media whilst wasted. Things about consciousness, psychology, spirituality, societal manipulation, government, religion, blah, blah, blah; and they were apparently fairly decent writing’s too. At least the ones I somehow kept.
I would then go to sleep after posting and awaken a few hours later, writhing in panic! Compelled to hastily delete what I had just written. My ego was so enflamed and fearful of being exposed, ridiculed... seen. The feeling of dread was immensely intense. I would loath over it for days after the writing was long gone and erased.
My mind reeling, repeatedly telling me how stupid I am. Along with, “Who am I to say these things, look at what a fuck up you are.” “What a hypocrite, do you practice what you preach!?” “They will all know how messed up you are, they know you wouldn't say these things unless you where on something” 😮!
And there it is…
”YOU wouldn't say these things” You? You who? I obviously just did, sooo... which “me” is the correct “me”? The one that cowers out of fear in the face of exposure? Or the one that stands and speaks his truth?
Ego or Spirit?
It is an interesting struggle, this ego vs. Spirit; this innate bi-polarity in Man. One being the accumulation of past experiences, mainly from childhood, that mold and form the restricted expression of Self that we have become. So restricted that truthful, heartfelt expression has become alien, foreign... unthinkable... Those treasures of the heart hidden beneath the tumultuous waves of our own egoic, self-defeating deluge of thoughts.
The other, Spirit, being your own true impulse of expression before the censorship comes in telling you this and that is the right thing and/or no, this and that is wrong. Who are you? Do you think you are what your mind tells you you are? Considering research suggests 70 – 80 % of our thoughts are negative, probably not. You are actually more the opposite of what you think you are. Considering we have to face our greatest fears someday and fear only being a construct of one's own thoughts, striving to be the opposite of what you think is overcoming your greatest fear! Possibly laying the path towards your greatest strength!
So, have a beer on me, as a means of overcoming yourself!
Heh...I don't know why I right this or if there was a point. I awoke at 3 am with this on me mind and couldn't sleep.