Allyship Sunday: Mental Illness and Suicide

Okay, this one comes with a serious content warning. I'm going to be talking about suicidal ideation, mental illness and disease. The focus is what we can do to help as allies. This isn't going to be a happy one. Buckle up, this is Allyship Sunday.

First, a note: I am not a mental health professional. I am someone who has dealt with mental health issues in myself, and others close to me. This advice is aimed at people who have folks with mental health issues in their lives, or in their social media and regular social spheres.

In the past week, an icon in fashion and an icon in food and travel have taken their own lives. Both Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain seemed to have it all: money, success, admiration. Their lives seemed elevated. But here's the thing about depression and other mental illnesses: They don't care how life seems.

I've had a pretty good life so far. I have a long term partner with whom I share love and companionship and support. We live in a pretty nice place. My close family is made up of really great people. I have good friends. I have the career I've always dreamed of having.

I've also had thoughts of suicide at multiple points in my life.

I've spoken before about anxiety being my constant companion and neverending struggle, and that has certainly been the case. But anxiety's best pal, depression, is always hovering around. Waiting for a crisis to pounce on. And I'm fairly lucky. My depression is acute. It needs a reason, and it goes away - unlike my anxiety. But for many, depression is the constant companion and never ending struggle.

My mom is a psychiatrist. And once, in a conversation about depression she told me about a patient of hers who suffered from the depression. This patient took ill with cancer. When my mom visited her in the hospital, and asked how she was, the patient smiled a glowing, genuine smile, and said "I'm not depressed!" For her, cancer, the very worst thing for most people, was a respite.

All of this is to say, that depression is awful and terrible and really no good at all. Which I would wager you knew already. But how should friends and allies behave?

Let's start with a negative example. A person close to me suffered from a deep depression some years ago. In their depression, they often cancelled social plans. They had a friend who was a funtime, let's go out kinda friend. That friend was angry and disappointed at the person close to me. Let me tell you right now: Telling people who are depressed that they're being a bummer? That they shouldn't let their depression stop them from having fun times with you? That is both selfish and unhelpful. People who are depressed aren't lazy. They are in deep and abiding pain.

Don't be this person

Often, when people take their own lives, the question is "why didn't they tell anyone?" Well, they didn't tell anyone because depression is often actively engaged in stopping that. It tells you you'll just bum people out. It tells you you'll scare people away. This person who is close to me, for instance, didn't tell me about their depression for a long time, because they thought I would bail.

Now, if someone does tell you, you should listen. You should ask what they need. You can gently prod them towards therapy. Be very, very careful of being "helpy." Chances are, they know more about their depression than you do. Ask them what they want. Ask them what they need. Try to be helpful. But also? Protect yourself. This is for both you and the person with the mental health issue. Because if you run out of spoons, you won't be able to help. And they'll add guilt for emptying your reservoir and add that to their inner "why I'm awful" catalog.

But the tricky thing is those who won't tell you. Who won't send cries for help. Be observant. Be a friend. Ask if everything's okay. Express concern and love. Say that you're there to listen, but only if you mean it. Few things are as hurtful as someone who says "I'll be there for you," and then lurches away once that need is expressed.