"I closed my mouth and spoke to you in a hundred silent ways "
With the stresses of modern life, it isn’t always easy to nurture deep, meaningful connections with others. Americans today are more disconnected from their family, friends, and neighbors than ever before. It indicates that people are meeting with their friends less often than ever, and are even spending less time with their own families. And even though we’re interacting with more people on daily basis, we’re unable to cultivate healthy, lasting relationships with most of them.
Individualism, because it promotes oneself over a sense of community, has often been seen as a hindrance to the development of healthy interpersonal relationships. The decline in healthy connections between Americans, is accompanied with a rise in individualism. American society has increasingly been focused on the self since the 1960s. There has been a greater emphasis on the uniqueness and greatness of individuals, indicating a constant rise in individualism in American society.
All too often, the age old vow of “‘til death do us part” refuses to hold true. In fact, 40%-50% of all first marriages in the United States end in divorce or permanent separation. Even many unmarried couples who stay together for a long time never truly experience lasting love. Not surprisingly, one of the most common complaints among couples today is that they’ve fallen out of love and don’t feel chemistry with their partners anymore. But why do people really fall out of love? And is it possible to fall back in?
Why American Couples Fall Out of Love .
There are several underlying reasons for why American couples lose interest in each other or fall out of love. The three most common reasons people fall out of are: letting their fears dictate their actions; lack of communication between partners; and personality changes. Sometimes the fear of being hurt in the future can cause us to distance ourselves from our partners. In other cases, it’s refusing to confront and discuss any relationship problems that can cause couples to lose interest in each other. Couples who voice their complaints and discuss their issues are more satisfied in their marriage than those who do not. But complaints cannot become the method to get results . The last reason, is the change within the people in the relationship. Over time, people change — or rather become who they really are. This kind of change can either be sustained or it will lead to the fallout of the relationship.
Very often, we find that two people who come together out of love grow apart as the years go by. Why does this happen? Let’s say you planted a coconut tree and a mango tree in your garden when they were young saplings, and they were the same height. You thought they would get along pretty well, a great love affair! And if both of them remained stunted and never grew, they would remain compatible. But if both of them grow to their full potential, they will grow to different heights, shapes and possibilities.
If you are looking for sameness between two people, the relationship will always fall apart. After all, a man and a woman come together because they are different. So it is the differences that brought you together, and the differences may become starker and more manifest as one grows. Unless you learn to enjoy the differences as you grow, falling apart or growing apart will naturally happen. If you are expecting both people to grow in the same direction and in the same way, that is unfair to both people. It will curtail and suffocate both of their lives. Whether you fall apart in years, in months or in days simply depends on how fast you are growing.
This whole expectation that the person who partners with you should be just like you is a sure way to destroy a relationship. It is a sure way to destroy the garden. Allow, nurture and enjoy the differences between you and your partner. Otherwise, the situation will be maintained in such a way where one person is compulsively dependent upon the other, or both people are compulsively dependent upon each other.”
But marriage is not the only relationship .
There are many types of relationships that you hold in your life. There are neighbors, friends, wives, husbands, children, parents, siblings, lovers, there are people who hate each other, everything is a relationship. Fundamentally, all relationships in your life have come up because you have certain needs to fulfill — physical, mental, emotional, social, financial and so on. You try to establish a certain type of relationship to fulfill whatever kind of need you have. If that need is not fulfilled, that relationship cannot be.
Today, our lives have become complex and we are constantly shifting from one type of relationship to another. One moment you are on the phone with your business partner and the next moment you are talking to your wife. Life is like this. It is constantly shifting. If you treat your wife like you treat your business partner, immediately you are in trouble. If you treat your business partner like your wife again you are in trouble. So, it needs constant juggling to keep these relationships going. It all depends on how many balls you picked up for juggling. If you just had one, it would be easy. But you have picked up ten so now juggling is complex. You don’t want to drop any one of them because if any one of them fall, a part of your life will fall apart. So you want to juggle all the ten balls at the same time. When you are juggling ten balls, can you think of anything else?
There is another way to exist experientially where one can exist without any relationships. One is so complete within himself that it does not matter. But right now, for most people, the quality of their relationships decides the quality of their life. So let’s see how we can have the most beautiful relationship, every moment of our lives, wherever we are. If you look at it, you are trying to somehow make yourself happy by building different types of relationships and doing different types of activities. You make friends, you get married, you have children, you start businesses — you do everything — because somewhere you believe this will bring you happiness. You built all these relationships in pursuit of happiness. Or in other words, somewhere you are trying to squeeze some happiness out of people. Once you do this, relationships will be a constant trouble. You cannot do without it, you cannot do with it. There is no sense of joy or happiness within you, and you are trying to extract it from somebody, and that person is trying to extract it from you. This is bound to become a battle.
If relationships have to be really beautiful, it is very important that a human being turns inward and looks at himself in a very deep way before he looks at somebody else. If you become a source of joy by yourself and your relationships are about sharing your joy, not squeezing joy out of somebody, then you would have wonderful relationships with anybody. Is there anybody in the world who would have any problem with you if you are going there to share your joy with them? No. You are trying to extract joy from them, that is where the problem is. Relationships have become a problem because we are not using it to enhance our lives. We are trying to fill the gaps in our lives with relationships.
If your relationship is about extracting something out of somebody, it does not matter how much you manage, there will be constant trouble. If your relationship was an offering to the person who is next to you right now, then everything would be fantastic.”
For most people , the quality of relationships that you hold in their life largely decides the very quality of life that you live. When it is playing such an important role in your life, it needs to be looked at. So what is the basis of a relationship? Why do people need relationships at all?
Relationships are formed on different levels ; there are various types of relationships to fulfill different needs . The needs may be physical , psychological , emotional , social , financial , political — — they could be of any kind .
Whatever be the nature of the relationship, whatever be the type of the relationship , still the fundamental aspect is you have a need to be fulfilled. No I have nothing to get , I want to give . Giving is also as much a need as receiveing . I have to give something to someone this is also a need as muich as I have to erceive something . So there is a need . Needs can be diverse , accordingly relationships could be diverse .
We may claim many things for whatever purpose for which we have formed a relationship, but if those needs and expectations are not fulfilled, relationships will go bad.
These needs within a human being have risen because of a certain sense of incompleteness. People are forming relationships to experience a certain sense of completeness within themselves. When you have a good relationship with someone , you feel complete . When you don’t have that you feel incomplete . Why is it so ?
This piece of life INSIDE US is a complete entity by itself — why is it feeling incomplete? And why is it trying to fulfill itself by making a partnership with another piece of life? The fundamental reason is that we have not explored this life in its full depth and dimension. Though that is the basic issue, there are complex features of relationships as such. There are expectations, expectations and expectations .
The expectations that most people are creating are such that there is no human being on the planet who could ever fulfill these expectations .
Especially in the man-woman relationship, the expectations are so much that even if you marry a god or a goddess, they will fail you because expectations are so unrealistic that no human being on the planet can ever fulfill them.
When you are unable to understand the expectations or the source of expectations , you cannot fulfill the expectations . But if you understand what the source of these expectations is, you could form a very beautiful partnership.
Expectations keep changing in people, they are not consistent and they cannot be. People’s expectations change as their perception and experience of life change, but they do not change at the same pace. Now relationships become a source of great conflict. More conflict is happening within the four walls of American homes than anywhere else on the planet.
If you go about doing management with these things, there is no way you can gauge it 100 percent. If you try to mind-read the other person and constantly try to fulfill their expectations, you will become a wreck. To some extent you have to do it, but that is not the basis of a beautiful relationship.
Fundamentally, why have we sought a relationship? Because you will find that without any kind of relationship in your life you shall get depressed .
So you are seeking a relationship because you want to be happy, you want to be joyful. Or in other words, you are trying to use the other person as a source of your happiness.
So you are seeking a relationships as you want to be happy and joyful . Or in other words you are trying to use the other person as a source of your happiness .
If you are happy by your own nature , the relationships will become a means to express your own happiness and not to seek happiness .
If you are forming relationships — trying to squeeze happiness out of somebody while that person is trying to squeeze happiness out of you — this is going to be painful after some time. Initially it may be ok because something is fulfilled .
If your relationship is about extracting something out of somebody, it does not matter how much you manage, there will be constant trouble. If your relationship was an offering to the person who is next to you right now, then everything would be fantastic.
But if you are forming relationships because you want to express your happiness , nobody is going to complain about you because you are in the process of expressing your joy not seeking joy from the other person .
But if your life becomes an expression of your joy, not in pursuit of happiness, then relationships will be naturally wonderful. You can hold a million relationships and still hold them good . Now this whole circus is of trying to fulfill somebody elses expectations does not arise because if you are an expression of joy , anyway they want to be with you .
Shifting your life from the pursuit of happiness to an expression of joyfulness is what needs to happen if relationships in American Society have to really work on all levels because they are of many kinds .
Your body is right now made in such a way that it is still in a condition where it needs a relationship . Your mind is made in such a way that it still needs an relationship . Your emotions are made in such a way that they still need a relationship .
And on a deeper level, your very energies are made in such way that you still need relationships on that level also . If your body goes in search of a relationship, we call this sexuality. If you mind goes in search of relationships, we call this companionship. If your emotions go in search of relationships, we call this love. If your energies go in search of relationships, we call this SINGULARITY .
You will see that with all these efforts whether it is sexuality , companionship , love , singularity you are trying to become one with something else because somehow being who you are right now is not just enough .
How can you become one with somebody else ? Physically you have tried . It looks like you are going to make it but you know you fall apart . Mentally you have tried many times you thought you are really there but you know two minds are never one . Emotionally you thought you really made it but divisions come up very easily .
So what is the way to fulfill this longing to become one with something ? There are many ways to look at it .
You might have noticed this some time in your life: suppose you are very joyful or loving or ecstatic and your life energies feel very exuberant — you feel a certain sense of extension. This extension, what does it mean? First of all, what is it that you call “myself?” What is the basis for you to know “this is me and this is not me?” Sensation isn’t it ?
Right now, whatever is within the boundaries of your sensation, you experience as “myself.” Whatever is outside the boundaries of this sensation is the other and the “other “ and the other is always the hell . So because you do not want to experience this hell , you want to experience at least a small part of humanity as part of yourself . This longing to include somebody or the other as a part of your life is what is called as relationship . If you can include the other , the hell could be your heaven . To experience that heaven , to have that piece of heaven in your life is what the desperation to have a relationship is all about .
If you experience all this life around you as part of yourself — — then it is the means to experience this oneness — — the way you exist here will be very different .
Now the whole system of completeness is about “union.” Whatever is the longing behind any relationship, either if you try through the body, through the mind or through the emotions, you will only long for oneness; you will never know that oneness . You will know moments of oneness, but oneness will never happen. And you will long for the moments of oneness more .
So the longing behind every relationship is union, it is only when you experience everything as a part of yourself, this longing to include will be truly quenched.
When this happens , relationships will only become a way of looking toward the other’s needs, not about your own, because you have no need of your own anymore . They are no longer compelled by your needs.
Once there are no compulsions within you and everything that you do becomes conscious, relationships will become a true blessing, no more longing, no more struggle.
“You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days. You shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
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