Until the moment we left the house, there was still a possibility that we not go, that we not make it there. The reason, good ol' friend ANXIETY!
Last year, I wrote a postabout what I was planning on doing to make going to Anarchapulco possible. And I did it! I actually did it, I made it! So I want to share with you all the HOW it was possible, with a bit of my process.
Frank and I both knew we wanted to go. We wanted to hear some of the speakers in person, not just in stream, we wanted to meet our Steemit buddies (and don't worry, I will share all of that and more in posts to come), but I had no idea if I would be able to go. At the time, CPTSD was less prevalent, so that wasn't going to be a problem, but the burnout was making me struggle with my energy levels (still does), and there was the issue of massive anxiety. I had not taken public transportation in 5 years, had not taken a plane in 20 years, was afraid to leave the house, as in leave the house on its own, felt unsafe outside my home, and all that was super draining. PLUS, all my food allergies and restrictions, and all my ailments and such were adding to the anxiety.
The first thing I did was tap on it with my EFT Tapping therapist. We took one fear at a time. The biggest one was the fear of being sick and feeling ill. We worked each one. Of course, I worked a bunch of other issues as well, but every few sessions, we tapped on these things. Meanwhile, Frank and I were exploring the "possibility" of going, getting tickets with Crypto currencies, knowing we might have to back out at the last minute. Then one day, we saw the hotel rooms go up on special and we jumped on it and realised, "We're actually planning this, we're not just maybe going, we're GOING!" And then I was like: "Crap, shit!"
I took the bus! That's right, like a big girl, I took the public bus to my mom's. So okay, it's not far, but I was all alone, no music, no phone, just me and my thoughts, in the moment, and I took it so that I would take public transportation at least once before taking the plane. This was huge for me. I admit I have not taken the bus since last Summer, but hey, I just took a plane to and back from Acapulco, so whatevs :D
For my food, we contacted a travel agent and organised bringing some food over there. We brought a cooker, and I could have food on the plane, my food. There were a bunch of little things, so organising what to do to ease those fears helped remove them from the list and I could focus on the bigger fears.
We asked my mom to babysit the house, which not only did she do that, we came home to a home cooked meal and a clean house. She totally deep cleaned the entire house while we were gone and did some chores for us. Thanks mom :p It was reassuring to know she would be there to protect the house for us. One other fear I had was regarding my plushies. They comfort me, but I was worried about bringing them with me, so I bought one special plushie to bring with me, Fishie! Who is now back home and part of the gang hehe (I know, I'm such a kid at heart!)
The biggest fear was the ailments and feeling sick, so I made sure to have my tinctures, a list of all my allergies for the hotel, I had my homeopathic remedies. And over there, I needed lots of charcoal because, well, Montazuma, and my throat was shot after the flight, so Vitamin C and Goldenseal with Astragalus were the winners. Yay!
So, one year later, we were actually going to Mexico. I only had a few minor panic attacks on the plane going there. It's not the turbulence, you see, but the pressure going up and coming down. Pressure on the chest = just like a panic attack, so it induced a panic attack, and pressure on my stomach caused queasiness, again bringing us to the fear of getting sick. Over there, I managed a lot of anxiety, I did a lot more than I normally do, so right now I am EXHAUSTED! I'm recovering, and STILL HEALTHY! And I hope to stay that way! On our last days there, I had trouble managing emotional flashbacks. Normally I can stop there or at least work through them quickly and not get stuck (that's the major progress in the last couple of years) but I feel as though I've suffered a bit of a setback, just because my mind is tired (my face is tired too) and I'm having trouble managing what I normally can handle.
Also, I was homesick over there. I loved the people, the ambiance, it was great, I felt at home with the people, but not the location. Tropical weather isn't my shtick. I cried a bit because I was missing my home, my mom. I called her the day before we left to talk to her. And you know, I think I have a brand new appreciation for a good old cold Canadian Winter.
So, despite the few setbacks and imperfections, I feel very proud of myself. I made it, I went there. It'll probably be a while before we can go again because of budget. But Frank and I already decided that the next trip we make, we're going to visit where my grandparents came from and go to Poland. We don't know when, and flying above water is a whole different fear than flying above land, but I've got time to work out those fears. I'm going to let myself recover, focus on my projects, and share picture with you all in the coming days and weeks. Pics and videos too, so look out for all those, I've got lots of thoughts to share, so be sure to Follow me not to miss anything (see what I did just there? hehehe).
And by the way, this healing I've achieved, was all without medication, since I can't take it. So healing is possible, even if it's not to some ultimate perfect level, I was able to achieve quite an ultimate and comfortable level, enough to enjoy myself and I will cherish every moment I spent there, every connection I made, and every person I met and chatted/hung out with. Oh, and, "Life Unchained", yeah, fears being unchained from me :D Being free!
