I need to divert from my prison tale for a moment to talk about anger, because I'm full of it. I have been ever since I remember. I used to have huge temper tantrums. I use to scream and cry and slam doors and stomp upstairs. I was an asshole teenager. By that point I was kicking holes in the flimsy walls of my parents house or throwing my megadrive pad across the room and smashing against the wall. My siblings were as bad or worse and between us we must have driven my poor mother to despair.
Right now I could say that my mother is the source of my anger, but we all know that's bullshit. I am the source of my anger, you are the source of yours. Sure, we have been hard done to, we had had things happen to us, around us, near us. These things tap into an emotion stored within ourselves. More often than not anger is is a disguise for our pain. When we get angry we need to look deeper, anger is the fin of the shark. We need to find a way to tap into our emotions and figure out what our anger is hiding from us. Of course the anger I had felt as a child came from pain too. I've dealt with some of that along the way, feelings of abandonment and related insecurities.
Fuck, just writing this has allowed me some insight into what I am going through right now. I have been so bad tempered this last few day, I've been an asshole. I've been impatient with my kids. I'm been pissed off with my mum, I've felt such anger to my kids mum (long since an ex). I am starting to see why. Starting to write my prison story (you can see in my blog) has been bringing up a lot of old sadness I have buried for some time. Coincidentally (I don't really believe in coincidence, I believe in synchronicity) I am currently listening to the first album I bought in prison and was listening to non-stop at the time. It's Jack White - Lazaretto, great fucking album, and I'll mention it again for good reason in Prison for Assholes - Part 4.
I'm writing this at work and I wish I wasn't here because I could do with a good cry right now, and listening to that album and going back to that place inside myself. I will go into where I was at that time in Part 4 also.
So now I know where to look, and that is thanks to me simply taking the time I have here to write about how I'm feeling. It's also thanks to my mother and my ex for triggering something in me that points me in the right direction. And thanks to my loving girlfriend for reminding me of these things, and reminding me to keep loving myself through these failures. Please do the same, go to where your anger resides, it may have nothing to do with the situation that angered you. They are simply there to show you that you do indeed have something you need to expose and release. Don't blame others and be kind to yourself.
I have apologies to make and tears to cry, bye for now assholes.
What a track:
