I dreamt of her. I dreamt I woke up in the morning and she was there, just by my bedroom door waiting for me to awaken. I was so happy, ecstatic! I held her, kissed her, tickled her. That’s her soft spot, right above her belly, in the lowest part of her sternum. I tickled her and she was so pleased. I noticed she was filthy, but not smelly. I figured she was probably playing non-stop from where she’s been, playing happily. She came back, I thought. She came back for me! But why? What for? Is she staying? Or did she come to say goodbye? I stared at her and she stared back at me, and then I knew.
That day was just like any other day after she’s gone. I woke up, ate breakfast, tended to my new puppy, Cookie, and thought of her every 15 minutes or so. I figured, if I don’t get my visa approved, I should get a job soon. It’s probably going to help me take my mind off of her, until I get to be alone again.
I can’t believe I could feel this much pain. It’s worse than breaking up with someone. It’s actually the worst heartbreak I have ever felt. And it doesn’t go away, I just get used to it. She was my life, before and after abroad. She was the reason I went home, so I could be with her and love her while she’s still with me, because I knew she didn’t have that much years left. She wasn’t getting any younger, and stronger. She was my home, and I just had to be there, now I know why.
Her name was Princess. I got her when I was 19 as a birthday present. I’ve always wanted one, and so she came. I’ve had others before her, but I never got so connected like I was with her. Not one of them ever got to sleep in my bed, or go out on trips with me, or know exactly what time I wake up. Most of the time, earlier actually. She was the only one, my only one.
We named her, Princess, because that’s what she is. Our Princess. My Princess. She was very graceful, finesse, prim and proper like a real princess. The only thing I didn’t like about her is her appetite. She’s very picky. Sometimes, she wouldn’t eat her food unless it came from my food or my mouth to be grossly honest. I guess she loved me that much. So much she knew I was coming home even from a block afar. She loved me that much, she’d be waiting by the door until I got home from wherever I came from, ready to lick and assault me once I got my foot inside. She’d even guard me from anyone who’d dare follow me in the bathroom, whichever I’m doing. She was my Princess but I guess I was her queen. I loved her and she loved me, and I think that’s all that matters!
She was my best friend too. She was there to love me when I had my first heartbreak. She made me see that I am loved no matter and whoever rejects me. In fact, that heartbreak was nothing compared to how my heart broke when she left. She was supposed to be in my future wedding. My flower girl, but she couldn’t make it. It sucks because she was the only one who knew how to fix me, and she’s not here. She was my strength, and my happiness at times when I felt worthless. She loved me even when I was unlovable. She was an angel on earth, my angel.
The day before I lost her, I brought her to the doctor so he could remove her uterus since she’s been bleeding for months. Everything was fine. The blood works, her appetite. It was just her bleeding. She was even very excited we were going out. I thought I could wait for her until the surgery was finished but the doctor advised to just come back for her afterwards. I wanted to stay but I couldn’t.
That was the last time I ever held her, and kissed her. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. I should have asked her to stay strong for mommy. Just stay. I told her I was coming back, and I did. I came back but the doctor said I couldn’t see her because she might panic and that he was very busy. I wanted to see her that night and tell her everything’s going to be fine.
The next day, I was told she’s gone and that they did everything they can. But I thought otherwise. If they did everything, she would be alive. She was strong, she would be strong for mommy. But I did not have enough strength to tell them that, It wasn’t going to bring her back. No one can. I just wanted to take her home. I held her for the last time that day, and I was shattered. I cried and died a million times that day, and I still do, even to this day. I die every time I think of her.
Yes, it hurts that much. It’s devastating. It’s depressing! Just like losing someone you love. It’s like losing yourself, losing everything you’ve ever had and known. It’s not just losing a dog. It’s not just a dog! She was mine! She was me! My life, my baby, my best friend, my everything! So when someone says “you’ll get over it, just get another.” , It’s stupid, insensitive, and cruel. You should try getting another mother, or father, or a son, or a daughter, and then tell me how it feels. Tell me if it makes you feel a whole lot better! Better yet, get another friend. That’s probably wiser. And no. No one will ever understand how it feels unless they have loved and lost a Princess. A Princess who can never be replaced. A Princess who’s an even better person than most people. My Princess.
I know she’s happy where she is, playing and being careless and free. I hope she sees me, and forgives me for leaving her with the doctor. I just wanted to keep her and free her from pain. Well, she is now. Painless, happy, and free. I just wish she knew I did everything I can to keep her and be with her. I wish she was here, but I wish she’s happy too. I love her, and that, I know she knew. I will always treasure and keep the 10 years of her life with me. In my heart and my soul.