----------------------------- WARNING! - NSFEUI (Not safe for emotionally unstable individuals)
Fat Is a Feeling
BMI 17.4. I got my periods back which were gone for 4 years.
2012 - I was asked to be a double for an actor in some scenes. It was a Disney production. A dream come true.
I felt fat that day, because the dress seemed more tight on me than on the actor I was doubling. She was a 17-year-old model. I felt embarrassed for the whole day because I felt I couldn’t play well enough and didn’t have the same energy as the original actor. I wasn’t professional. I felt I’d betrayed the agency who hired me and also the film company. When the film director came to shake my hand and thank me after the shoot, I just wanted to disappear. I wasn't worth it.
The voice started to get louder again. Telling me I needed to be professional now. Just making a living with music wasn’t enough. I had to be on top. The problem was, I couldn’t understand how exactly is that achieved. I just knew I had to be on top and for that I needed the perfect mindset and high goals.
Meat.
It makes you feel full, slows down digestion, so it wasn’t helping speeding up metabolism. It was enough to watch a documentary about animal abuse in slaughterhouses and read all the articles about what meat does to our bodies and brains and how we get poisoned from it. As meat wasn’t something I craved anyway, it was easy to just quit eating it. And the goal was to become fully vegan one day.
Sugar.
I’d read that sugar makes you numb and ruins your body. And as it didn’t have any healthy effect, it didn’t make sense to consume it. After all, the whole sugar-business was a big conspiracy. So I decided to quit sugar. I was an addict. I made myself believe I was sick like an alcoholic and needed a withdrawal from sugar.
The problem was that this time the desires didn’t disappear. So I allowed myself to cheat after gigs as a reward, eating junk and sugary foods. I watched the number on the scale slowly rising and I started to feel guilty more often after eating anything that wasn’t considered healthy. Once my BMI hit 18.0, I felt fat. I knew that I wasn’t actually fat, but I knew I had to gain muscle and lose fat. So I started to work out and be more active in general. To be fit and healthy and professional. I had 2 jobs plus music. I woke up at 4am. I was asked to join a band and I was 100% sure it was because of my more stage-suitable body, compared to the player I replaced.
2014 First photoshoot with my new band. Everyone was so excited about it and having fun with the camera and all the clothes and make-up.
I just couldn’t pull off the right emotion. I was told to have fun, be relaxed, be cool. How could I? I wasn’t the prettiest nor the thinnest. I felt fat. There was fat on my thighs and arms. There should’ve been muscles. I had no experience in photo shooting nor am I naturally photogenic. That meant I was unprofessional. I wasn’t enough.
After a few months of waking up at 4am and working all hours awake, I’d been losing weight. I felt relieved. But there was still that fat feeling. I wanted to feel empty, but I didn’t, because of being constantly bloated. So I decided to do something about it.
Gluten.
I’d read that gluten could be the reason to be bloated, even if there is no serious disease. They said that it could stick to the walls of your intestines and stay there for weeks, months or even forever. No more gluten, only those cheats after gigs.
2015 - A day before a show at music festival. We had just got those tops with our band logo.
Spent half of the day in front of mirror and taking selfies, making sure my stomach looked flat. It didn’t.
PART 1: https://steemit.com/health/@joanneblowanne/killing-perfectionism-1-intro-perfection-and-control
PART 2: https://steemit.com/anorexia/@joanneblowanne/the-road-to-hell-and-back-still-on-my-way-2-onset
PART 3: https://steemit.com/anorexia/@joanneblowanne/the-road-to-hell-and-back-still-on-my-way-3-loss-of-control