I am a 32 year-old mom of a son and a daughter. I work full-time while my daughter is in daycare and my son in school. We live with my girl's father, my "boyfriend", and my son from a previous relationship is with us every weekend.
I miss him a lot.
I currently use anti-depressants and ritalin every day so that I can function at the office. This is because sexual acts from my half-brother when I was a young child and my sister rendered me feeling guilty, anxious that my parents would be angry with me, ashamed of myself for doing what "I did". I think I've lived my whole life with that shame and it may just never go away.
My mother gave birth to me when she was 18 and my sister at 19. I've lived with a sense of inferiority in comparison to her to this very day and I suspect my mother had a hard time caring for a newborn and a 1 year-old at the same time.
She isnt very virtuous, mind you; she omitted our father's name on our birth certificates so she could receive more in government assistance, they fought constantly (mostly about my dad drinking - he and his brothers have addiction problems), she had FOUR more children while on welfare (total of 6) and she often expressed regret at not finishing high school and going to college. Basically: "I dont regret having you, i regret not waiting to have children". She had a terrible childhood of abandonment and sexual abuse from her stepfather. Her mother pushed her father out of their lives and my mother often threatened similar things to my father.
I was raised believing that:
- women are superior to men
- I had to make my mother happy and live my life according to what SHE wanted
- men are disposable, unreliable and weak.
Needless to say, I NO LONGER believe this to be true.
I will continue with my too-late coming to reason in not too long. This is just a quick rundown of the beginning of my life and our home dynamic. More to follow soon.