Anxiety is a silent beast that eats within your soul. Nobody can see it but inside I have this feeling coursing through my body which tells me that everything is NOT OK. This morning was not unlike any others except it is. It is unlike any other day purely because I have not taken any action to change my morning routine. This means that every morning for the last few days I have woken up in a panic. I search my routine and find many things that I could change and improve upon but realistically I don't think that is the problem. The problem that is causing my anxiety is the realization of my life being constructed of others wishes and desires sprinkled in with a lack of decision making on my part.
You see I am the typical man in America right now. I am 34 years old, educated (2 College degrees), cultured, and utterly lost. I was raised in a single parent household with lots of help from my grandparents and aunt. The hispanic culture I was born into never seemed to match the tone of my skin so that was just another confusing element of growing up in Los Angeles. My dad was a super white guy with a red beard but my only evidence of that is based on a few pictures, a few siblings, and well myself.
So now I have this urge in me to escape and go to Spain. There is this Camino that I have heard about, "The Way of St. James." It calls to me and I hear it but I haven't been ready to listen yet. And yes there is a difference between hearing and listening. I hear you Camino and I think I may be ready to listen. There is only so much time left for me in this body and I must act quickly before the ability I have vanishes. It's not a matter of if but when.
So today I will pick a date and make it happen.
Holy shit just typing that sentence made my heart race and I immediately doubted myself. Is this a good idea? What will people think? You can't do it! Is this a good idea? What will people think? You can't do it! Is this a good idea? What will people think? You can't do it! Is this a good idea? What will people think? You can't do it! Is this a good idea? What will people think? You can't do it! Is this a good idea? What will people think? You can't do it! OK....ok.....Stop.
Maybe I am not ready to listen.