Dear Apple,
I searched all over your website to find an application form to become your CEO, but I could not find a link. I am very confused, as the position is clearly vacant, and if you truly believed in thinking different, you would give the position to a snarky 23 year-old college-dropout.
Here are my qualifications:
I have a turtleneck somewhere
I definitely have a pair of jeans
Oh, and guess who picked up THESE bad boys for three dollars at the thrift shop?
That’s right. Me.
Here is my list of CEO experience:
See that blank spot? It’s just waiting to be filled by “CEO OF APPLE”. Just like Steve Jobs, who also had no CEO experience before Apple, I am perfectly qualified.
This really isn’t too risky of a proposition. You guys have like thirty quatrillion dollars. Even if I massively screwed up, you’d still be okay. Let me make mind-controlled laptops and smartphones, make a new MacBook Air, and make turtlenecks mandatory. People will stop writing those mean Medium articles about you, and everyone will be happy.
I know I’m sacrificing a lot by putting myself into this executive position, but it truly pains me to see such potential go to waste, and I believe the effort will be worth it in the end.
Apple, I know you’re in a sad state, and the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. And not having a CEO is a huge problem. A massive problem. Sad! Admit you need me as your CEO, and we can get this problem fixed up. Help me help you.
Sincerely,
Me.