---

December of 2014, I was fortunate enough to be part of Circulo de Arte's exhibit at Xavier University, Ateneo de Cagayan, which is my then college. I was one of their guest artists, and I was allowed to submit 2-3 artworks. Truthfully, I hesitated so much thinking that I can't compare to the people that's part of the said university group, but my friends encouraged me to submit and so I did... with trembling hands.

Two days before I started drawing, I asked a very talented photographer, Mr. Ouie Sanchez, if I could draw one of his photographs that really represents my idea and he said yes. He sent me the high resolution photograph via email that day, and I rushed to have it printed.

Mind you, this is not a small drawing. It is an 18x24 inches, and I swear to God I was delirious. I started drawing 3 days before the submission date, but I was just procrastinating the first day. Until it dawned to me that I haven't bought a frame yet and that it'll be costly. I started panicking and crying because I do not have enough money, so I went to different art stores in our city to find the cheapest black frame, and cheap one did I find. It was made of plastic and felt really, really cheap. #quehorror Came home late at night and realized I do not have enough time. I slept right away so I can last longer the next day. And surely I was awake for the next 30 hours or so and went straight to the university to submit my one and only piece.

I got a lot of praises during the exhibit, and people did ask me what's the story behind my drawing. It was even displayed right after you enter the door. I'm normally introverted, so getting the attention overwhelmed me. It was a very good experience, until one December morning I found myself saying...

"I cannot draw again!"

If you ask me now why it happened, then I'd simply say I got depressed without any particular reason. It's as if my mind and body just switched off from making art. Around after Christmas, my cousin asked me if I could help her with her business that's going to start on New Year, and I said yes instantly. I wish I didn't say yes though. It was always busy, and I thought I could draw in my spare time, but I could not. I only wanted to sleep.

Fast forward to August, I came to Dubai. A girl with no college degree and no "legit" work experience came to Dubai to hustle. Although I am working yet again under another cousin, it was still all new and I had to start from scratch. See, I am a traditional artist. I haven't touched Photoshop and Illustrator in my whole life in Philippines, however I have tried using Lightroom because I take photographs and it's so much easier than Photoshop. That is all I know in the digital world of arts.

I started watching videos about Illustrator in around September (2015), and since I'm more of a visual learner, it wasn't super hard for me to do something. I started navigating around Illustrator after a week of watching videos online and I honestly got hooked. After a month or so, I started working in our office. I made logo designs, business cards, brochure, et al. I penned Hive account@ablckbrd last year and did my logo as well which you can see above. I have a whole bunch of mock-ups, but I try to not humiliate myself even further.

Note: I always watch art videos online eventhough I wasn't drawing consistently during the hiatus.

June 2015, I started to draw again because it is my birth month. Yes, I know, I am one of those people. I got into charcoal + soft pastel art because I got myself a 2nd hand Conté Pastel Set for half of its original price. Imagine the itch to try it!

Here are some of the works I did:

Needless to say, it didn't last long and it only went downhill from then onward.

The darkest months of my life started August of last year. I cried almost everyday in our office, mostly when everyone's gone since I have the office's key. Although from time to time I do get breakdown moments in front of my office-mates, even when we're eating lunch. Imagine the stress I was dealing at that time!

In short, it was a nightmare. I couldn't concentrate at all. My breakdown and anxiety was on a different level. I couldn't sleep well. I was losing weight unintentionally. I missed my period for 3 consecutive months, thus I experienced the most severe acne in my life. I only got better when I left everything behind and started to live on my own, although at the expense of family ties. No regrets though. I was already suicidal at that time, and I could only think of and for myself.

I moved out 2nd week of February. I stayed alone for 2 months in Sharjah, another emirate of UAE, and later moved in with a high school friend in Ajman which is my current residence. Coming here is one of the best decisions I have ever made and I am forever grateful to my friend, Katreena, for helping out a poor, unfortunate soul.

June came. The miracle month. I started drawing again. Picked my very clean sketchbook, which I bought last year, and started looking for something to draw that's related to birds.

I found Carel Fabritius's renowned goldfinch painting ― The Goldfinch. I have seen it before but never really had interest until now. It is one of the paintings I want to copy for practice one I jump into painting.

Right after that fateful day, I started drawing again. For solid foundation, I finally began copying Bargue plates. Again, almost all ateliers around the world start with Charles Bargue's drawing course as foundation no matter how far you have gone as a self-taught artist.

Of course I am reaping what I sow. Copying Bargue is very rewarding. For 3 months I drew almost everyday, and everyday I saw improvements. No sweet talk here. My value and proportion improved a lot that I get surprised myself from time to time. And finally I realized that I can draw. My self-esteem and confidence is very low, so whenever people tell me that I am good in what I do, I politely decline their remark by making a joke or just straight away deny it which I know is very rude. I apologize and I am thankful.

This gap in my artistic journey led me to remember this beautiful message I first read in 2013:

“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.” ― Ira Glass

Unfortunately, I stopped drawing again in September. Being in a rut feels very painful, specially after months of intense love and labor in what I do. I kept reminding myself of the bigger picture, of why should I persevere, but it was all useless. Came October and the feeling got worse because my friend went home for vacation, so my demons were roaming in my head freely without distraction. I admit I started breaking down again; crying myself to sleep.

But then Steemit came into my life and changed everything!

(I shared my #introduceyourself post on October 19, 2017. I'm already half a month here!)


The welcoming community and people who are actually interested in what I have to say is the reason why I only want to post quality content. And well, yeah, the money. But scratch that, let's get sentimental here. Steemit truly opened doors for me. I didn't know I can write long-ass articles like this. I didn't know I am capable of earning money through writing and sharing my thoughts, albeit depressing and mundane. Needless to say, #steemit is making me productive as an artist. Who would have thought I am less active in Facebook now? I am just focused and driven in writing new articles and coming up with new ideas to share. Not to mention that I can share #mentalhealthawareness to a larger, more diverse audience.

Hopefully I can post a how-to article soon!

Thank you so much for reading this article.
Namaste!

---

RELATED ARTICLES:
Art Diary: Slow And Steady (Part I)
Copying Bargue Plates
Have Grit, Keep Moving

P.S. I will edit this article tomorrow. Sorry for the typos and all. Goodnight!