Welcome to Beastly Tales. Each has a message, a moral. All are meant to have an element of humour. Naturally, any names included do not depict real folk but are included as part of the joke.

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(As with Beastly Banter Beastly Tales is written and illustrated by Richard Hersel.)

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Richard Hersel

BEASTLY TALES

SHADY LANE

A man called Ghoulsby, with a reputation spicy,
As one involved in matters shady and dicey.
The sort of person you wouldn’t ask for dinner,
In a two-up game, he’d be the “come-in-spinner.”
Betting on horses, dogs and prize fights,
Sleeping by day, but “working” by nights.
Gregor Ghoulsby was nearly an alcoholic,
We say “nearly” because although he’d frolic
He was limited in his drinking due to colic.
However, his actions, more often than not, were shambolic.

“Shady” clearly is the operative word,
For him “straight-laced”, absolutely absurd.
“Risque”, doubtful propriety, more his style.
And, should it suit his purposes, completely vile.
Was it considered likely that he would change?
Is it unlikely that a stray dog might have mange?
But a mangy blighter he certainly was.
And why was this so? It’s just because.

Ghoulsby was running a nice little racket,
And from it he was making more than a packet.
He’d sell lottery tickets, for a fake prize,
He’s be the trumped-up winner under heavy disguise.
Newspaper articles would him, the winner declare.
Publicizing the next ticket sale block with a nonchalant air.
And so it went on, for many months on end,
For tickets by subscription, money, people would send.
What a lovely little earner,
Ins and outs, easy for a learner.
Until, one day, he turned his life around,
Why? Because of his true love he thought he’d found.

Lizzy Lightbottom was her name,
Making Ghoulsby happy was her game.
She liked fine clothes, and jewellery too.
Enjoying spending money without much ado.
Could be a sumptuous dinner, or a sports car.
Could be a luxury cruise sailing far.
Could be anything involving luxury expense.
Could be a Penthouse, on a building immense.
Ghoulsby’s Bank Manger nervous became,
Seeing his client bled dry by this dame.
He sent a note, “Expenditure exceeds income!”
Ghoulsby responded, “You’re a bit of a bum!”
At last the bank invoked Clause “A”.
Insufficient Funds, cheque cannot pay!
So Lizzy had cleaned Ghoulsby right out.
With the faucet turned off, she would leave, no doubt.
But no, she sent him right back to work,
Selling fake lottery tickets, his only perk.
They proved to be a match most sublime,
Lizzy and Ghoulsby, on a long road to crime.
Ghoulsby was Lizzy’s goose, laying the golden egg.
She’d milk him for all he was worth, down to the last little dreg.
And then, when his bank account was parched and dry,
She’d disappear into the night, without saying why.
That naughty lady of Shady Lane,
Dragged poor Ghoulsby into the drain!