Welcome to Beastly Tales. Each has a message, a moral. All are meant to have an element of humour. Naturally, any names included do not depict real folk but are included as part of the joke.

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(As with Beastly Banter Beastly Tales is written and illustrated by Richard Hersel.)

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Richard Hersel

THE FAILURE

This is the story of Augustus Corne,
Who, it seems, was to failure born.
It all started as a very small child,
When one might have thought things rosey and mild.
But it appears that most unfortunately,
Such an exemplary picture was not to be.
While he was in his informative years,
He developed many phobias, very real fears,
This was because his Mom and Pop,
Decided that marriage wasn’t on top,
Of their ongoing schedule, really quite sad,
For Augustus had always wanted a dad.
But from the most tender age of four,
He discovered his Dad had been shown the door.
Of course, as we know, to Tango takes two,
But Augustus wished the foot was in the other shoe.
This had a considerable minus effect,
On his personality, a displeasing aspect.
Augustus trudged along in his informative years.
Not fitting in at school with those other wee peers.
In fact, in typical fulfilment of schoolyard fun
There was never a chance that friends could be won.
Of course with a parent income so small,
No special effects on Augustus did fall.
No money for school camps or outings,
No visit to Tuck Shop, only cloutings,
Every time his teacher did, him, see.
If only from all this, he could be free.

He left school without passing a grade.
Probably the biggest failure he ever made.
For without a school certificate to show,
Prospective employers would tell him where to go!
Options for Augustus were singularly few,
But joining the Army could be right on cue.
So this is what he went and did,
Friends and family thought him “not the full quid”.
Many years of hard slog did slowly expire,
While Augustus fought in muck mud and mire.
And in intervening periods Army Barraks he was,
Boring and dull, but necessary because,
He’d accepted the “Queen’s Shilling”, so to speak,
So an outside calling he couldn’t seek,
Until he had completed the time signed on,
And the time served slowly had gone.

He had then tried to enter the business arena,
Trying to sell the vacuum cleaner.
By the end of the week his sales were nil.
He naturally felt a bit of a dill.
Dozens of other jobs he tried,
For many others, with effort, he applied.
But it all came down to a single factor,
Without a Degree you were a bad actor.
He really must achieve something with success.
His life has been a dismal mess.
He thought, “What is the most popular thing?”
“To this consideration I could bring?”
“Well, I have failed at many a promising plan,”
“I most certainly am successful as a FAILURE man!”