Welcome to Beastly Tales. Each has a message, a moral. All are meant to have an element of humour. Naturally, any names included do not depict real folk but are included as part of the joke.

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(As with Beastly Banter Beastly Tales is written and illustrated by Richard Hersel.)

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Richard Hersel

THE LUMPF CHRONICLES (17)

Herr Lumpf had just been fired from his job.
He had been fired because he was an ignorant slob.
“Jobs don’t grow on trees, you know!”
So said Frau Lumpf, eager to change the “Status Quo.”
Herr Lumpf was forced to go to the Labour Exchange.
To see if a new employment he could arrange.
When asked for a Resume’ of past employment,
He responded morosely, “I haff no enjoyment.”
“Vhere-ever I vork it all goes vrong.”
“I vork hard, zey pay me a song.”
“My vife vill not let me rest in peace.”
“All day long she vants kinder, please!”
“I could, perhaps, on an Oil Rig vork,”
“Zat vay she can’t accuse me of my duty to shirk!”
“If I could vork on an Oil Rig in ze North Sea,”
“Zat is vhere I most happy vould be!”
“Vith miles of stormy sea betveen,”
“I could vork in an environment clean.”
“My last job vas pumping a septic tank,”
“Vith an old fashioned pump, vith a hand crank.”
“My Frau complained zat I smelled of poo!”
“Smellink of oil vould be a much better to do.”

And so, unbelievably, Herr Lumpf began working on the North Sea.
“Velcome, Herr Lumpf, to our offshore oil rig.”
“You vill haff responsibilities big.”
“Your job vill be to vipe za pipe,”
“Zat ze oil pumps up vhen ze pumping is ripe!”
“Is most important to keep it qvite clean,”
“So it von’t stick vhen lowered to depths zat are qvite green.”
When it came to his first rest and recreation week,
He knocked on his front door, a welcome to seek,
Frau Lumpf, “Zose clothes, ve vill haff to boil,”
“Zay smell very badly of crude oil!”