One of the greatest waterways of the Globe,
River Cruises were popular as a tourist probe,
Into the hinterland of the surrounding countryside,
Sightseeing and touring both far and wide.
Most of these cruises were “toffee nosed” and expensive,
With up-market facilities really quite extensive.
Alex Straubhaver, was not a wealthy man,
He used to just holiday in his camper van.
But one day he was reading the local paper,
And he spotted an advert, about such a caper.
It outlined a river cruise at a reasonable price,
Food and beverage were included, yes, very nice.
The vessel on offer was a paddle wheeler,
Something unusual, a real decision steeler!
The next cruise left in a week from the town of Glob,
Two weeks on the river, what a lucky slob.
So Alex hauled out his trusty credit card,
And made his booking, it wasn’t too hard.

On embarkation day Alex was dropped at the wharf,
He was eager for the boat to now set forth.
The paint work seemed to be most shabby,
The crew member waiting was dirty and flabby.
Not one of the crew wore a uniform,
All looked sloppy, Alex felt forlorn.
The vessel had obviously been built long ago,
From side exit valves water did flow.
Alex was abruptly pointed to his cabin,
Very small it was and a crew was dabbing,
With a paint brush at a stain that didn’t look nice,
He scampered out saying what he’d done should suffice.
The cabin smelt of paint and mould,
And everything looked tainted and old.

Alex now heard the engines give a throaty cough,
And it was not long before they were off.
His cabin was very near to the stern,
So the slap of the stern water-wheel was a concern.
He was in a cabin below water level,
So the toilet in the cabin was raised with a bevel,
In order that the cabin didn’t flood,
When flushing the toilet with water like mud.

Alex now decided to tour the boat,
It was difficult to believe it to be really afloat.
There was a cafeteria like eating place,
Along with a bar with very limited space.
Alex looked at the menu with eager eyes.
And saw that fish and chips was the only prize.
One could order chips and fish for a change,
But it all seemed to be exceedingly strange.
At the bar there was a choice of beer or wine,
A limited choice, but O.K. for to dine.
Of course when finally put to the test,
Neither were cold, and certainly not the best.

Alex went up to the bridge to complain,
The sloppy captain did not refrain,
From telling Alex to get off his bridge.
But Alex persisted, “Where is my fridge?”
The captain said, “That’s something we don’t include”
“Now get off my bridge before I get rude,”
Said Alex fuming, “I’ll complain to your head-quarters”
“Not only that, but you don’t have porters,”
Said the captain, “I’m the ship’s owner,”
“And I am a diligent loner,”
“So, if you don’t like what you find,”
“You can just get off, I don’t mind.”
With that a crew member did lift,
Alex over the side, into the water he did drift.
Alex watched the departing paddle wheel,
Astounded; that was how he did feel,
“In future I’ll stick to my camper van,”
“I can do what I want, I’m my own best fan!”