Lachrymose Melancholia
12 x 9 inches, Oil on copper panel, 2004
This painting is the first I painted in which I used Christ’s eyes over my own. The eyes are from a type of painting called, “Our Man of Sorrow;” these were traditional icons popular in the 15th c in the Netherlands. The nose and mouth you see are my own. I wear these second eyes to hide my own. These eyes express the sorrow I cannot. They hide my real story; the one you could see if you looked into my eyes. The wing is a mythological attribute or symbol; it is used by both Mercury and Medusa in their representation. I portray myself in paintings and sculpture as Medusa since I was 19. In this painting, my face sits in the ruff of a typical Dutch sitter from the 17th c. From the top of my head, figures are attacking each other. I didn’t invent them, I stole them from some other painting. I used these to represent my constant thoughts of self-destruction.
Each painting starts as a collage. No, the collage is not under the painting, which is a question I answered frequently. I use the collage as prototype or guide to find the composition. Once the collage is completed, I use it like a map and paint with a verisimilitude (a likeness) that would suggest tromp l’oeil (a French world describing a genre of art that relies heavily on representation to deceive the viewer into believing that that the illusion of what they are viewing is “real.” This is where the confusion of whether I am paintings over a collage or painting from a collage comes into play. I want the viewer to believe it may be a collage. To entice the viewer to wonder what is underneath the layers. By layering one seeks to see the truth of what lies underneath. This is the frustration of secrets. This is the frustration of not getting to know of not being able to fully understand what is beneath the surface.