Hello friends, I'm a bit heartbroken but I'm back.
It is extremely difficult to function when in pain. Physical... emotional.. pain in general seems to just completely cause this disconnect with all things creative - or at least it does for me. I haven't been very active this past week, and I have missed everyone and seeing the inspiring things around the world that you guys are sharing. I've just been in a very numb and overwhelmingly emotional place this past week and weekend, but I am starting to come through the other side of it a bit.
It felt very suiting to do my first post back about my sweet fur baby, a courageous, fierce, loving, protective and loyal member of our small family - Rogue. This is a digital painting that I did about 6 or 7 years ago. I found it when looking through searching for and compiling all the images I could find of her over the last few days.
She lived a long life full of happiness, knowing what it is like to be loved so deeply by a group of humans. She was diagnosed with cancer about 10 years ago. The vets at the time said she probably wouldn't live another two years. The girl lived 10. She was a fighter, and she fought for ten years proving everyone wrong - if it couldn't be done - she could do it.
This past week she really started to go downhill, rapidly. She had a few small little skin tumors that we had been monitoring, nothing major, and none of it seemed to cause her much discomfort. But over the last two months, more of these places were showing up, and she started having a major difficulty trying to eat. We have moved from Adult dog food, to small adult dog food, to elderly adult dog food, to cat food, to soft food, to baby food. Slowly each item became harder and harder to consume. This past week the poor girl just struggled. We knew we were facing "that time" where we were going to have to make one of the hardest decisions of our life so far.
We visited our families' vet Friday, 5PM. We didn't even get past the receptionists desk when the vet came out, looked at her and in two seconds announced "shew, that's oral cancer" - we were hoping it would be an impacted tooth (get the mouth to heal up, she could eat again - maybe we could improve her quality of life enough to have a bit more time with her). Nope - "there's nothing that can be done with that" was what loomed over us before even walking into the examining room.
I mean, we knew, deep down.. underneath all the hope we tried so hard to maintain. She was so calm, peaceful - as if she was using her calmness to try and help tell us she was ready. At 5:30, we held our girl for the last time, petting her and telling her over and over again to not be scared, that we loved her, and that she was the best damn dog we had ever known. She will be missed.
We came outside to darkened stormy skies, a brooding wind and a soft rain that was slowly picking up pace. "So this is what it looks like when a 1000 angels cry" I said softly through tear stained cheeks and the largest lump I have felt in my throat since my grandfather died two years ago. The sky opened up and the rain poured. We dug her final resting place, lowered her ever so carefully and placed some of the most beautiful hydrangeas with her on top of her most favorite blanket that I lovingly wrapped her in.
I thought I knew pain when I lost my grandfather. But there is a difference - I didn't see my grandfather every day. He wasn't constantly with me, night and day, while I was cooking in the kitchen, or eating my dinner, or playing with me in the backyard. Our animals are so integrated with our lives, on a daily basis, every minute we are aware of their presence. When they leave us, that absence is so freaking apparent. Everything is a trigger. Everything. And I know it's because its all the "firsts", you know, the first time you walk down the hall in the morning and think - "I need to let the dogs go to the bathroom" but you don't have dog(s) any more.. you have a dog now. One is missing. One is never going to be there when you usually expect them to be. It's just so damn hard.
Our animals are very much our family. They are more than "animals". They are individualized entities, with their own essences and unique personalities. Rogue had a huge personality. She was so smart - I mean you would damn near bet she could understand english.. seriously.
I'm sorry to vomit a ton of sadness here, but it feels really cathartic to do this right now. I'm sure those of you who love animals can all relate to me right now and if you have ever had to make the decision to say goodbye, you know how hard that decision is. I know my heart will mend a little every day and in the meantime at least we have our small little family unit to lean on and other fur babies that we can continue to show our love to. We have also been doing a bit of healing with some comfort food and ice cream.. lol - we will be reeling that back in, but sometimes a little bit of ice cream and pizza makes you feel a little bit better, you know?
Thank you guys for reading, sorry for any potential tears. I promise to get back to posting some happy, artsy and creative stuff this week. Please stay tuned and check back in with me! Thank you as always for all of your support - you guys are sincerely appreciated.
Much love - until next time.. Steem on!
