I have decided to post some of the journals that I write for acting class, so that those of you who are interested in following my process of learning and self-development can do so. In these journals I also write about my experiences of the exercises we do in class, so if you are interested in what acting classes can be like - look for this series.

Last week we spent the entire class with an exercise where we were asked to get up in front of the class and stand silently for a few minutes, just seeing and being seen. We where asked to observe how our bodies and minds react in that situation and then discuss it for a moment with the class if we felt like it. In this journal I write about my experience of the task.

Standing silent in front of the class, and watching others do the same was an interesting experience. I usually do not mind being seen as much as I do being heard, so I did not expect the task to be very difficult. Sometimes it can be hard for me to look people in the eyes for a longer time, but I have noticed that it is easier for me to do so with strangers and I did not know anyone in the class.

Before my turn I focused on the others standing in front of me and I tried to think about what was going through their minds at that moment. Sometimes I got distracted thinking about how I should stand, where I should keep my hands, what I should say after I had completed the task, and occasionally I worried a bit about becoming nervous. Every time I got distracted I tried to return my focus to the person in front of me, knowing that there was no use in trying to decide what to say about the experience before experiencing it.

The moment I stood up and faced the class my heart started pounding hard and for a while I felt like leaving the stage, afraid that I would mess up somehow. But then I tried to listen to my inner voice and realized that when my only task was to observe my own reactions, messing up was not a possibility – and after a little while my heartrate began slowing down.

I always focus a lot on my thoughts and the reactions in my body and I often tend to overthink things, so I found it a bit difficult to get out of my head and shift focus to seeing others, especially in the beginning. But after having stood there for a while I felt quite calm, I could start to focus on the people in front of me and I felt pretty confident being seen.

My problem with most tasks that involve performing is that I tend to overthink all the possibilities of what could go wrong both before and during the task. That is why one of my main goals for this year is to silence my inner critic that constantly shifts my focus to negative things that are not even happening and stops me from being fully present in the now.

For those of you who do not know me, I am a psychology student from Finland doing an exchange in Long Beach, California, where I fulfill my dream of studying Theater Arts.

I post about topics like: traveling around California and other places, theater arts, psychology and mental health, art and other aspects of life

Thank you for reading!

mialinnea