Pathos
Acrylic on canvas
60x80 cm
While I examine my latest painting I am swinging back and forth between: ‘this is amazing’, and ‘someone please bury it’. Do you know such emotions? I find it especially hard to review my own paintings. And I probably should not admit it, but I have a doctorate in art history (oh sh*** I admitted it).
For a long time it was irrelevant if my paintings or drawings are up to any standard, but right now I want to be courageous and send some of my works to an open call for an exhibition in a museum, a museum where the staff knows me in a completely different role, firstly as an art historian and secondly as an choreographer, but absolutely not as a painter. And now I am trapped in these contradictive feelings of ‘shit or gold?’.
As I do not like to be trapped, I made a short action plan (I know… action plan…again… my last action plan as you can read in an older post consisted of several artworks I wanted to realise)
There were three main problems to tackle. The first being the (objective) review of my painting, the second coping with my fears and the third a compilation of what I could gain by submitting the work.
I will garnish my action plan with photos of the painting process, from sketch to finished artwork.
Let’s start with the review
Primarily I had to accept, that I cannot be as analytical with my own work, as I would be with someone others, because I know the idea and process behind the painting. But nevertheless, there are ways to get a fresh start with your own work. It may sound simple, but for me it’s working: flip the painting upside down. Mostly my first reaction of like or dislike are a good indicator if the painting is working. The upside-down painting reveals easier if colours are working together, if there is a focal point, if the feelings I wanted to inspire can be noticed, if the perspective is working and so on.
Very similar to reversing the painting is taking a photo. This allows me to distance myself from my own work and I get a better understanding of possible technical mistakes like brushstrokes/palette-knife marks which obscure the main motive or are too agitated or to flat. The distribution of light and shadow is easier to understand, if I look at my painting in form of a photo.
After checking all these points, it is however most important to let the work rest for a day. And then ask myself if I really care :-D
My fears
My fears are so real – the fears tell me. All my thoughts are the truth – my thoughts tell me. But everybody outside my brain instantly knows: not true! My fears and thoughts are this, only thoughts. I like to start with this consideration, because it is very hard for me to accept, that not all my thoughts will become reality (maybe my friends would tell you, I do not accept this truth and that I am very convinced of my own opinion – sigh)
Perhaps you are a little bit wiser? But nevertheless, there is the real chance of being rejected. But what will the rejection show? That I am a bad artist, that I am not creative, hip, skilful enough or that my ideas are boring? Maybe this I right, then I should start to practice and improve. But it is not a value judgement about me as a person (please brain accept this :-D) But on the other hand there could be completely different reasons for the rejection, like the artworks does not fit into the other selected works, or that only known artists could be (risk free) chosen and so on.
But my biggest fear is to make a fool of myself by submitting something worthless…. And I think it’s ok to just live with this fear, because (read at the beginning of this paragraph) it’s only fear.
What’s to gain
Again, I must admit something not so nice about my character – I am very strongly extrinsic motivated. I want to be famous, I want to be applauded, loved, and admired (therefore my choice to dance on stage). And so, in my view I must take the risk, because visibility goes along with the possibility to fail and to be criticised. If I want someone to see my paintings and to recognise my absolute genius, I must submit my work. Easy… or?
Perhaps I should read my own blog post two, three or twenty more times, to believe what I wrote… (The deadline is the 20. November – so you can be witness of me being a coward and giving in to my fears and doubts or of me proudly reporting my submission)