Didn't Have Much Chance to Decide the Direction and That's Okay

Woke up this morning quickly and had a spiritual experience of sorts. It was nice and much needed. For the sake of transparency, I decided to share.

Morning Haiku #1

This bliss is madness.
Epiphanies are painful.
Just as expected.

Ever have those moments when you can’t seem to make sense and there it is, that sticky little truth is hanging out and waiting for you, impatiently. Tre truth is sneaky like that.
Then suddenly there is this explosion and something that previously didn't make sense, makes sense. I don't know about you, but when this happens, I get this feeling of wonder. Like, I can remember the times before where the dots did not connect and I can see the moment of connection to where I am in the universe and where that nugget of knowledge was and there is this line that connects them. As awareness burgeons, I don't know if I am doing it right. I don't know if I am on the correct path. Perhaps I am walking along this trail to nowhere and at some point, I will have to double back and go through this again. I know that I am experiencing, I am growing and I am taking more notice about what I am gaining along the way.

This morning was something like this. My eyes popped open, suddenly startled by what ended up being raindrops on the windowsill. In my dream, they were pounding drops. It was as though I was in the movie Honey, I Shrunk the Kids! and the sprinkler was turned on.

I was running towards, trying to find something. There was already a frantic feel, like I was lost. I am not sure. Maybe I just watched that movie too much as a kid? In any case, it took a moment to shift from riding on the back of an ant to laying in my bed. I felt this tug back towards the adrenaline as my body tried to sink back into slumber. Inside, I knew that I needed to listen. Something softly spoke to me. It was an actual voice that I heard from my head, young and feminine.

"Stop resisting. Listen."

So, I did just that. I focused my thoughts to the light dripping. I felt the blanket around me. I wiggled my toes a bit. They were cold, so I found Brian beneath the blankets and buried them under his feet. i listened to him lightly breathing and allowed my eyes to follow the lines of the room. It was dark but it wasn't early. The rain, it's cloudy. This whole thinking and waking process is not one that I have been witness to for a while. I have been getting up much too quickly. I haven't been in the moment in a while and there is no excuse for that.

Sadness fills my chest and my eyes blink as they well up with tears. Before I can even register my sadness, my body is alive with emotion.

"Shhhh. Stop resisting. Listen."

Frantic darting, as though frightened by the voice, I can feel an actual disconnect from my astral body and physical form as I feel my eyes dart around the room quickly, back and forth, searching for where the voice came from. Normally, I would give the meat sack a second to adjust but the skin is too heavy to be gentle with. Astrally I sit up and listen to the room, no longer tethered to embarrassing, cumbersome emotions. The world is alive in a symphony of life. There is a bird or two outside, cars in the distance, an airplane above and three vibrating bodies other than my own breathing in harmony with the natural flow in our section of the house.

I am listening for the first time in weeks and it's amazing. I would be in awe and perhaps in shock if my physical form could share this experience. I look down at me, sitting up half outside of my physical body. This has always entertained me. I wiggle my toes again, able to control them where I am still connected to the nodes of the mundane. My hands, waist neck and head all yield nothing. I lay there as though sleeping without any control of the form of the body. It is now on autopilot. It breathes and thinks it's own things when I am separate. I could tap in if I wanted to, but that would allow a view for that body to see here and I don't want to deal with the adjustment. So, I leave myself. Standing up, my astral body is tied to the mundane through my Earth form but the rest of me is a body made of nearly see-through material. Sheer and slightly glowing my astral form glows from the radiance of the Earth's energy that influences but does not control it while in this enlightened state.

I breathe in, repeating the motions of the 4-fold breath in this form. Rather than life-giving oxygen, I breathe in the cadence of the universe. I feel my body, my being pulse with the divine that is all around me. The Earth mother shields me with her atmosphere from floating away. She keeps me grounded and I have to actively think and release my form to grow beyond this size. I must reach and stretch, growing my way past her nurturing atmosphere and into the heavens.

Reach. Stretch. Acceptance of the Resistance. Let the Light Shine In.

I do so by directing the shape of my form and I raise up, higher and higher into the heavens, seeking the tear into the universe where I can thereby reach the divine. As I reach the space, I see the light, coming for me. Naturally, my third eye blinks, involuntarily waiting to be pierced by the divine. The light gets closer and my body grows still. Astral arms wide, an earthly reminder of the body I am tethered to. I flex my arms as a signal that I am receptive. With open arms and now an open eye as well, the divine light pours into my body. Opaque and ghostly, it takes a more solid form when filled with radiance that it needs to be nourished. The light pours in, almost like liquid spilling to the bottom like pouring water into a glass. It rests in my feet, fills up through my legs, hips, stomach, lungs and slowly my outstretched arms. Finally, it reaches the neck and begins to overflow from my mouth. But it pours in more quickly than it is being expunged from there. It reaches my nose and eyes and begins to spill out the orifices. It covers the outside of my astral form, tumbling back onto the earth, now so small beneath my feet.

This is where I am from. This is my home. It lacks substance, it is never still. It is constantly, this mass of whirling energy, inside and outside, as above, so below, as within, so without. I am the microcosm and I am filled to the brim with love, truth and knowledge. I am a vibrating vessel of the divine and I am part of it, yet outside of it.

I bathe in this light, letting it pour over me. I feel it beneath my feet, healing, beauty, love and all things that vibrate at this level are radiant with it. The world is invigorated and recharged with understanding, perfect love and symphonies of chaotic pleasantries. Good in all forms fills the crevices of the world, if only for a second, provides loving healing and comfort.

This is a feeling which can not be contained, nor would I want to. I take what I need. I allow it to heal me. The more I think about it, the more I concentrate on it, the more clarity that is revealed. For a moment, I can feel my physical body, nudging me, trying to pull me back. It is in dire need of this energy even if it doesn't understand it. It has been crying and it is broken. It is filled with cracks and imperfections and the sensation almost causes my astral form to collapse.

The divine in me quakes and shakes. The form will not rupture, but it is not as flexible when it is in the presence of Earthly energy.

"Shhhh. Don't resist. You are in control. You have the power to do this. You know how to rise, but now you must command. That is how you stay balanced when you are up here. Delegate. Direct. They wait only for you."

My mind focused and I allow myself to shrink.

Divine energy pouring from me, uncomfortably as I grow smaller. It hits me harder the closer I am to the Earth but I do not falter. I run to myself, as though a medic on the battle field tending the wounded. I am wounded and yet I am not. I am perfect in my imperfections but the divine is needed to fill the cracks in.

I bring myself back to standing, my feet within my feet, but I am balanced above. The divine energy pours onto me, onto my bed and across Brian. He is bathed in the glowing milky opacity. It covers the floor and flows down he hall. It fills parts of my house and has completely encapsulated Brian and I. It is only then that I slowly will the tap to close. I nod to the divine and I indicate that it is time. This is all I can take of this.

I thank it for it's presence and I begin to vibrate in my astral form. I say the divine names and I have one last moment where I feel whole and complete within that presence alone before I sink back into my mundane form.

Now is the tricky part, as I hadn't prepared for this. My body was sleeping and again it snaps back to awareness, awake. Suddenly, it is a fright again. The mind is confused for a second but adapts more quickly than I had anticipated then. It knows what to do and we are getting acquainted. I sink into the muscles and bones, allowing the body to do the natural things that it knows instinctively. I nudge the brain awake and we sit up, at first suddenly then remember that Brian is still sleeping. He's going to be confused and anxious when he gets up today. I know I need to clear the space. I slip into the corner of the room, rest my body into the form of medication and quietly begin to vibrate the divine names. I do my cross work, then form the pentagrams. I do a full circuit of the daily rituals that I know that I need to be doing regularly to provide my body with the strength and fortitude going forward.

It's going to be a good day. I will it to be so and I breathe in, forming a full circuit with the Earth mother. I extend my gratitude to her presence, to her loving care for me and my family. I do a mental check on those that are important to me and I send perfect love and trust towards them, lending comfort energies that I figure will help.

I feel the physical body healing. I feel the vibrating against my skin, just under the surface. As the last of the divine leaks from me, it seals the cracks in myself and my aura. Like a Japanese tea pot, I now am. Filled in pieces of history, ready to be of use again. I am worthy. I am enough. I am.

The body and the mind, they grow weaker each day past your prime. Your body can take in more then. It becomes more porous but it also requires more care and attention. I know that I need to be doing this more often, or else the consequences will not be pleasant. I remind myself that ignorance is bliss and know that I am not stupid. I know nothing because I am learning I know few truths but they are only a small part of the hole. I remind myself to be patient, to be kind. Love is the law. Love under Will. Being named Willa makes me chuckle. Then I rise for my day and see if there is any difference.