This is Part 1 of 2 of a combined entry into the Witness Fiction contest Sponsored by 
This is a complete work of fiction, and any similarities to real events is purely coincidental. Additionally, any similarities to the works of other authors are accidents as well, and I have never read that book, or seen those movies. This is all my imagination. Trust!
No Witnesses, and only a few Steemians were harmed in the making of this work. This piece is entirely satirical, and meant in a fun light hearted way. If you appear in the story, please take it as a compliment that I felt you were someone who would be okay with a little ribbing. It is all in good fun!
@Neoxian and the Case of the Bum Caresser - Part I The Jerry Banfield Blues.
It was the middle of Steemfest and all through the bar, many creatures were drunkenly stirring their thoughts.
My thoughts, I admit, were muddled as I looked about, but I swear to what I saw, and I saw without a doubt. A masked vigilante stormed in to the room. As he passed through the crowd, people's wallets were opened, and Steem Based Dollars were thrust into his hands, people seemed pleased to part with their money!
And once the money changed hands, what did the vigilante do? Why he caressed each bum. There seemed to be some correlation between the money that was passed, and the vigor with which each bum was rubbed.
The masked man made his way to the stage, where he roughly pushed DJ 
All you Steemians you know me well. I am the most honest Bum Caresser the blockchain has seen! I am ready to make more money with you! I promise each person who invests in the BumRubbingBank, a 1942% return in four months, guaranteed!
And lo, was the money ready to flow! People stormed to the stage, wallets held in the air, before a bellow from the back of the room did cry out:
"Wait!" the voice did shout, "This man has not proven his worth! He's covering old money with new, that's the scammer's way!"
Eyes turned to the newcomer, striding into the room, our hero, Sir 
The man on the stage looked stunned, turning his head from side to side, looking for an escape as Sir neoxian closed in on his prey.
Making a decision, the masked man lept from the stage. Landing squarely in front of a mass of dancing women who had ignored the uproar, he grabbed one by the shoulders and flung her in front of him like a shield, as he headed for the door.
"No one try to stop me, or 
The crowd made way as the villain departed with his hostage. Soldier blew kisses to her friends and with a sultry smile to several of the men she put her free hand up to mime a telephone and uttered "Call me." with a wink before they were gone.
I must confess, the rest of the tale I relate second hand, but I have it on good authority this is how things stand. Our hero did identify the masked villain as one 
This next part we have on good authority, as you can find the videos featured on his blog, the knight 
Yes Jerry, the good, devised a plan on how he would infiltrate the fortress of the evil hurtul! He has soon bargained with some smuggler named Ban Dolo to transport him from Lisbon to the far away land of Cali. "Son, I made the Iceland to Australia run in 15 parsecs! Now get in this storage compartment and stay quite!" the smuggler shoved poor Jerry down into the cramped space under the floor. Fortunately for Jerry, his video camera had a light, so he was still able to make a video about his Facebook advertising budget during the flight!
Dolo was able to pass through Hurtul's security with claims of delivering a fresh crop of peppers all the way from 
No one was about when two loud thunks were heard. A few minutes later a oddly dressed Bumtrooper came down the ramp of the Sparrow, trying to shove his helmet down on his head.
"I'll stay here" Dolo said from the ramp as Jerry looked about. "R2PO talked to the computers and says Soldier is behind the second door on the left." The smuggler pointed off to one of the corridors, and Jerry quickly made his way in the wrong direction.
Once he had turned back, and made his way to the correct location, Jerry gave one more effort to push the helmet down before using his stolen key card to open the cell door, revealing our damsel in distress, practicing her pucker in a reflection from the metal wall.
She turned and gave a glance as the door opened, squinting her eyes at the oddly dressed man and asked "Isn't your head a little big for a Bumtrooper?"
"What? Oh!" Jerry exclaimed taking off the helmet. "That's just a disguise to get me through the door. I'm
"Great," Soldier intoned as she sauntered for the door "My hair was getting frizzy in this humidity. Let's go!"
But no sooner had the two entered the hall, than Bumtroopers started firing on them from both directions!
"Sorry kid!" the voice of Ban Dolo came over the radio Jerry held. "Hurtul just gave me the best Bum Caress ever, and I am out of here. Good luck storming the castle!"
Jerry looked down the hall toward the bay, where the engines of the Centennial Sparrow ignited and took flight. "What do we do now?!" the poorly outfitted Bumtrooper exclaimed looking madly about.
"For Crying out loud" Soldier muttered as she pulled the Ray gun from Jerry's belt. "I may as well be saving myself." She got the gun free, but it went off as she yanked it, shooting a door across the hall, which opened invitingly.
Jerry looked at the new opening with relief "The trash bin! What a wonderful idea" he exclaimed diving in.
Soldier rolled her eyes standing with the gun held loosely at her hip "That was an accident, idiot." she muttered before dropping the gun and turning to walk back into her cell.
Down below, Jerry stood in a waste high pile of muck and garbage. "You know! This gives me a great idea for a video! My followers will love this!" he turned his camera on and began drawing charts on the wall.
The last we saw of dear Jerry, was his happily yacking away as the walls closed in. Not even a scream was heard as his live feed went dead, right before he could tell us all about the next Crypto that would go to the Moon!
End Part 1
Here's some of the process pictures Carl created as he made our Jerry Skywalker model.
Particularly cool is the wonderful Steem Belt Buckle that Carl added. Someone needs to fabricate this, and make sure Carl gets the first one!
Before doing Jerry Skywalker, Carl was playing with Jerry's head on Han Solo. Here's the result of that experiment. The comment from Carl was how much he had to work to make Jerry match how orange Han looked.
And Han has an awesome Belt Buckle too. The round shape fits the Steem logo quite well. Someone make these, REALLY!
We hope you enjoyed Part One! Part Two will begin in the League of Witnesses as
Thanks for reading!!