I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why it is that some men have such a hard time understanding when they’re crossing a line. While reading some of the #MeToo disclosures, I’ve also been struck by the sorts of things that some women have characterized as harrassment that seem to me only mildly offensive.
I would definitely fire a guy for pulling out his dick but not necessarily for being one.
Clearly, some reactions to questionable behavior are subjective, but some behavior is definitely wrong. Here are some tips on how to identify when you’re crossing a line.
Always Wrong and Downright Criminal Behavior
- Physically forcing yourself on a woman
- Explicitly threatening a woman (physically, emotionally, financially) to get her to have sex with you
- Having sex with minors, even if their parents give you permission!
- Contrary to what some folks in Alabama may think, parents cannot pimp out their children.
- Continuing to try having sex with a woman when she starts saying “no”
- Forcing a woman to have sex with you by implictly threatening her with bodily harm, dangling or denying a job or promotion, blackmailing her, or doing anything else that limits her choices or where she might perceive she can’t say “no”
- Threats may be implied rather than verbal or explicit
- If you’re not sure whether a woman is perceiving you as a threat, try asking her: “Is this okay?”
- Make real sure that she knows she can say “no”
Usually Wrong Behavior
- Asking a woman to have sex with you when you’re in a position of authority over her (boss, professor, minister, cop, ranking officer, political leader). This is usually wrong because she might perceive that she doesn’t have a choice simply by virtue of your institutional authority over her.
- Best way to avoid these potentially charged situations, guys, is to never have sex with a subordinant.
- Or ask someone else to be her supervisor, advisor, minister, etc., effectively removing your authority over her, which ensures that you are equal and consenting participants in whatever happens next.
- If you insist on locking that office door, and if you ask her not to tell anyone, that’s a pretty good indication that you’re probably doing something wrong.
He Said / She Said
Blaming a woman for being too attractive is always wrong.
We have huge fashion, entertainment, and cosmetic industries constantly telling women how they should dress and what counts as attractive. To then turn around and say a woman was dressed too provocatively and was “asking for it” isn’t just unfair and unethical. It’s self-serving.
It’s an old trick of some patriarchal cultures to say that women are morally superior to men. It’s a way of letting men off the hook for their bad behavior. “Boys will be boys” excuses male bad behavior as something ingrained in their chromosomes. According to this way of thinking, women who are too pretty or too sexy are moral backsliders and should be punished for tempting the poor men who simply can’t control themselves.
The flip side of this is that an “ugly” woman must surely be lying about being assaulted because what red-blooded, sane, straight male would want to have sex with her? That, too, is a patriarchal lie.
Rape is not about sex. It’s about power.
Sexual predators know how people think. They understand that a lot of misinformed people think rape is about sex. They purposely target women considered unattractive by cultural standards because they know that if it comes down to a debate about whom to believe, people will gauge her credibility based on her sexual appeal, or lack thereof. But guess what: grandmothers get raped, too.
The fact is that given everything a woman is put through when she makes sexual allegations, few sane women would voluntarily put themselves through that kind of ordeal even when the allegation is true. Which makes it even less likely that a woman would make a false allegation against an especially powerful man.
Women as Second-Class Citizens
Some of you reading this will be tempted to point out that men are not the only perpetrators of rape and harrassment, and that women are not the only victims. That is obviously true. But rape and harrassment are gendered practices. Most of the perpetrators are men. That's a fact.
My target, however, is not men as a group, but the particular men who habitually cross the line and the patriarchal structure that let's them get away with it. I take issue with any belief system that systematically treats women as second-class citizens. That includes religions that denigrate women.
I don’t care what your religion says. My body is not your pulpit.
Most religions were written by men and designed to elevate them to a status they simply don’t have or deserve.
Men are not superior to women.
If your religion teaches that men are better, you need to rethink your faith, modify it, and modernize it. Men simply are not morally, spiritually, intellectually, or even physically superior to women. Even on the latter score, where (most) men may have an edge on (most) women in strength, women often score better in stamina, endurance, and tolerance for pain.
The argument here is not that women are better than men. It’s that women are as wonderful as their male counterparts and have always been so.
Some Additional Tips
- Just because she isn’t saying “no” doesn’t mean she’s saying “yes.”
- Consent has to be:
- verbal
- explicit
- uncoerced
- consistent
- Silence is not consent.
Shock is a very normal female reaction to unwanted sexual predation.
Sexual predators know that. They grab first and ask permission later because they understand that she will be so shocked by his touch, that by the time she realizes what’s going on, he will have gotten away with it.
It is never okay to touch a woman without her permission.
Conclusion: Who Are You Kidding?
I’m amazed at the number of rich men with trophy wives who strut around like they're Fabios. If you’re an ugly, old fart who has sex only with beautiful younger women, you’re either paying for it or extorting it. Either way, you’re getting something you don’t deserve simply because women's economic choices have been limited. But your day of reckoning is coming.
- Women aren’t trophies.
- Women aren’t possessions.
- Women aren’t saints.
- Woman aren’t sinners.
- And just to be crystal clear: women don’t have expiration dates.
- You can’t just replace us for a younger model.
Women are human beings.
We are half the human race. We help to make the world go round by virtue of our hard work, our skills, our purpose, our obligations, and our sense of community. We deserve dignity, respect, and the freedom to make our own decisions, especially where our own bodies are concerned.
We demand equal treatment, equal pay, equal education, equal opportunity. And we will take what is ours. We have free wills, and we don’t like being told what to do by any man.
- Rape is a violation of our basic human rights.
- Harrassment is a form of sexual extortion and therefore also a violation.
- And “sugar daddies”? Well, you guys are just a joke.
Women in 2018 are serving notice to all sexual predators: #TimesUp. Men who have crossed the line are losing their jobs, their families, their reputations, and appropriately, their freedom. The days of looking the other way are over.
@WuChowsAuntie