I met a deist with a story to tell, he didn’t believe in any religion, but he did believe in a god, a bad god, filled with rage or a dark sense of humor.
Just like me he has depression, a crippling depression. He wondered why a loving god would do that to anyone, now he knows that a loving god wouldn’t.
his story is a sad one, and I know some are going to say that is because of that, that he doesn’t believe in any religion, to which I would answer: “how can you believe in religion knowing that so much people are suffering?” but that’s a separate point. For now, I just want to tell some of his story.
Starting with the fact that his father tried to left the family 4 times by committing suicide, he’s story is one filled with traumatic events.
He told me how he and his sister saw him trying to commit suicide by drinking a lot of alcohol and consuming drugs at the same time. They were both young and when his father started vomiting he was terrified and in shock. His mother wasn’t in town and his uncles weren’t picking up the phone, in a desperate moment they ran to the neighbors and the neighbors called the ambulance. He told me that his father died for a minute and then was revived. So fragile are life and death.
He said to me “I think he did it for attention”, that made me think that regardless of the motive, that were suicide attempts. And maybe killing yourself is the solution of the weak, but being weak shouldn’t be treated with so much hate, but with empathy and love.
While explaining to me how god has a disgusting sense of humor, he said to me that he was asexual, but he was attracted to one thing, the smell and feel of fire. He told me how he burned three trees and spent some time in jail because of that.
After realizing that he couldn’t burn stuff he started burning his own skin, obviously, that wasn’t a long-term option. Seen no other way out of it his therapist told him that he could smoke one every time he felt like burning something.
He said to me: “this is how disgusting god is, the only thing that keeps me from burning stuff is causing me harm and could kill me”.
He wants to move forever from the country where he is from because he says he needs weed, but there it is currently completely illegal.
Not only needs he weed because it causes less harm then tobacco, but because it is the only thing that makes him sleep.
He also explained to me that after a long story of going from doctor to doctor there is nothing that can cures his insomnia, but weed.
He blames god for giving him this condition that is going to cost him years of his life, but mostly he blames people that are claiming to talk in the name of god for taking weed away from him.
In some issues, he was angry at god, but mostly he was angry at people that believed in a personal god that loved them, he was angry at people that claimed they could talk for god. He did explicitly say it, but that’s what I felt.
I felt really in touch with him, and that’s hard to find in this world full of people, that with the time just start looking like obstacles in the way, while you are wandering in a public place.