First, I would like to describe my impression and contradict you about your "being rebellious" in the present. I think you are no longer a rebel, but an adult person who strives for maturity and wisdom. The self-knowledge that you describe here is an encouragement for other people.

I had to smile a lot when you described your teenage years and your encounters with your mother. Parenthood is difficult, especially if you have only one child and have to get into this role first. I have found for myself that it took me a long time to give myself authority (in its most positive sense as a guide and responsible person) and not to depend on the consent of my son. This form of parenthood, where things are not negotiable, is an art. Between children and adults there should be only a limited room for negotiation - adapted to the age and maturity of the child - and the rules are set by the adults. They should be self-confident in this. Which, of course, they are not always.

Today I observe parents who want their children's consent even with small decisions, because many suggestions end with the question: "Okay?" Instead of simply saying, "We're going to do this and that now", without even thinking about whether the toddler wants it or not. When parents talk to their children as equals (as opposed to equivalence), they do themselves no favors.

My son regularly receives my displeasure about his untidy room and I interfere in his mess because that is my job. He doesn't like it when I give him orders. I must stand above it, because it is not his pleasure I am courting. I have to learn that he does not praise me for this, but angers me. On the other hand, I give him room to negotiate where it seems appropriate and so he learns that through skilful negotiation he can get what he wants. I am often a tough negotiating partner, so that he learns that not only charm is enough, but arguments count. Persuading a mother or emotionally "blackmailing" her is much easier than a later superior. He is less impressed by it. I make mistakes and get impatient or insufferable, but that's human. Trust is what counts, and sometimes I answer my son: "You don't have to know my motives in detail, but trust me that I know what I'm doing." If I don't have this trust in myself, then my son will also have difficulty accepting my decisions.

My own attitude to authority is the following: I have no problem accepting someone who is superior to me and has his reasons for this or that decision. As far as I can influence, I try. If it doesn't make sense, then I have to consider alternatives, whether I might find another working environment more suitable for me, in which the hierarchies are not so pronounced and there is more leeway for my own decisions and actions. I don't need to run into things that I can't change at all.
I needed a long time for this insight and made many good and many bad decisions (still making silly mistakes, though:).

I now feel myself at an age when I have gained my own authority and I am allowed to do so. With it comes additional responsibility for the things that go wrong.

However, I have never accepted instructions or expectations from people who did not really fulfill their authority or thought they had authority over me to such an extent that I would not have retained my dignity if I had bowed to the instructions. In such cases I negotiated hard. And I drove very well with it. Sometimes, in youthful exuberance, I exaggerated and sometimes, in youthful insecurity, I did not negotiate enough.

How much power I give someone over me has more to do with myself than with the other person. Otherwise I have nothing against people who radiate a natural authority and quite rightly claim that they want to lead people and do so well.

Thank you very much for this extraordinarily intelligent and sensitive contribution.

P.S. I came here through Hive account@insight-out s recommendation on her blog.