Where do I say I wish you cease to exist. I find that a shocking allegation. Almost slanderous! But I shall take it kindly with a grain of salt. I've heard it all before and it is pretty much water off a duck's back by now. But I am terribly sorry that my writing caused such vitriol in you. If you had read more closely I believe that would totally have been unnecessary. I suspect you are projecting a lot of frustration and misunderstanding onto me, which is quite alright by me. I am a hardened punching bag.

One thing I definitely do not do is: I do not confuse emotion with feeling. I am rare in that.

True, I wish you, my son, my father and my sister existed without autism. How in any way does this say: I wish you were all extinct? I believe we could all be born without autism and be happier for it. But that is not to say who you are does not deserve to be. Why not make the subtle distinction?

I just don't believe autism makes you special in a positive way. Who you are is not the disorder you have. It is why I say autism "afflicts" that part of you that isn't fully you. By that I mean, we all have a brain programme (and yours is coloured by autism) and we all have a soul-spirit. That soul-spirit would have also made you "I" without the autism. It still does! But it's a bit mangled by the autism, I find. You might not find so, but you have trouble conveying that then.

I think I would have liked you all better without the autism, especially when autism makes interaction impossible (for continued misunderstandings, as with my sister). How is that myopic? I have suffered over 45 years of being bullied by the autism that rules the mind of people I would love to love.

In some people, some of the time, the autism makes them so myopic they just can't see you at all. How to communicate then? Even if you would say something nice, they would take it the wrong way. I am happy to let them blame me for being unauti-friendly in my phrasing, but they can't blame me for not trying to love them with all my heart.

But you know why I really hate autism? My sister, especially, wishes she existed without autism. So much so, she actually doesn't want to exist, at all anymore. I have lost two adult acquaintances to autism (off a bridge). So I fight autism a bit on their behalf, too, as an undesirable condition to be born with. Where it doesn't handicap you, there is no issue. Or less so. My father doesn't want the label, but it makes it hard for me to understand why he never showed any love to me. What's wrong with me, was all I could ask myself, until I discovered autism runs in the family. Finally, I could forgive him his (never ending) vitriol, let go, and accept the parts he was able to give me without expecting more.

Fortunately, my son doesn't give a hoot about his autism, he finds life a blast and bulldozes on with his 101 projects at breakneck speed and never-ending days. I appreciate how you felt like "defending"him. But I think he is so sensitive on a spiritual level there is nothing I could ever say (in anger) that makes him doubt my love for him and dedication to his well-being (I only get angry when I fear or lament he is going to do something stupid to compromise himself - yep, call me the over-protective mom, next!).

If you are happy with your autism, no probs. Not that you sound very happy.... I don't think I can ever explain to you how I feel you and your autism, but that the two do not fuse into an indiscriminate auti-clod! I am too overflowing with emotion and yet far to precise (meticulous) in my semantics to be able to do that. My sister taught me that, and you echo it once the moreover.

We can always agree to disagree, you know. No need to get emotional, then. Very simple. Our ways part. You happy with your autism. Me still hating it.

In conclusion, if I may direct you to the real object of your hate: maybe, you dislike my spiritual tripe. You probably find it uncouth of me to tackle autism as a spiritual matter, while you have to live with it in a practical way, and find very little understanding, let alone sympathy for it. That is hard. Very hard. But maybe you can feel supported in knowing nobody at all ever understands me (and I don't even have a label to hang around my neck that allows me to jump the queue somewhere). Not saying you get benefits with autism... let's not start a new row!