OH MY GOD IT'S THE AVENGERS MOVIE!!! OH MY GOD THERE'S SPIDERMAN FOR TWO SECONDS (jizz) OH MY GOD THERE'S DOCTOR STRANGE FOR TWO SECONDS (jizz) OH MY GOD THERE'S THAT FUCKING RACCOON FOR TWO SECONDS! (bluurt)
If you thought Ready Player One was the ultimate nerdgasm this year, you thought wrong. The Avengers movies are to nerds what orgies are to people who have sex.
And look, look look look. Before all you MCU fanboys get your panties in a bunch, let me make one thing perfectly clear. I may be the big bad boy who liked Justice League. But for the record, I hated Suicide Squad as much as anybody. But I also gave Black Panther a positive review, OK? Before you all lose your shit and start calling me your nerd names...
"Ehh, ehh, fuck you you...Flerovium Cobalt!!!"
...let me just say this. If you like these movies, good for you. Good for you. Good for you. Pat on the fucking back. In fact, here's my soccer trophy from fifth grade. Everybody got one; I sucked at soccer, but here, I want you to have this as a token of my gratitude for you liking Avengers: Infinity War. But respectfully, I'm sorry for THIS MOVIE IS A PIECE OF SHIT!!!!
And I know what you're all gonna say...
"Ewwww you tryna be edgy bro??? You tryna be edgy bro?"
No, no I'm not. I tried to get into the Edgelord Club but they rejected me because I didn't bring my AR-15. I'm just another guy, and honestly, this movie annoying as shit. And I think its artistic merit is severely limited by its flaws. I gave it a 3/10, because at least it was competently made. That's all I can say about it that's positive.
Now let me also say this. This is not a review of the Marvel Cinematic universe. I repeat. This movie is not a review of the MCU, or of the Avengers series. The first one was a decent movie. It was fine. It was shot well. It was cleverly written. I haven’t seen the second one, but I heard it was dogshit anyway. Who cares? I do not invest my time in uncovering every nook and cranny of these cartoon characters. You probably know more Marvel trivia than your grandma knows about The Young and the Restless. Only thing is, I remember when Marvel movies used to all be original, and entertaining...you know, when there weren't 87 of them in one year.
But I don't commit to the study of them. Which means that, unlike the fans, I walked into this movie with zero expectations. Yes, you're actually getting the UNBIASED review of this movie right here...and only this movie. I thought to myself going in, if this movie is really good, then it shouldn't matter if I've seen the others. I should still be able to enjoy it. It should be entertaining as a standalone feature. HOW WRONG WAS I.
And it wasn't that the plot was so hard to understand. "YOU JUST DON'T GET IT MAN, YOU DON'T KNOW THE COMICS" There is almost no plot to this. There’s a magical green MacGuffin that these idiots fight over. There are also about 5,000 main characters, and each of them gets maybe five lines a piece. They're all smashed into nearly three hours, like an NBA team into a two-seater. There is zero character development. There's one scene where we're shown two characters in love. And we're supposed to accept they're in love because that's the way it is, and we can't question anything in the sacred fucking MCU. The dialogue is bland and shapeless, and sometimes unbelievable. "What do you see?" "I only see you." Ugh. Did George Lucas write this? "I don't like sand" much?
The only one who gets a shred of a backstory is Thanos, a Suge Knight-looking doofus with a salty scrotum for a chin. He’s the protagonist, I guess. And to his credit, I couldn't even tell that he was played by Josh Brolin. But his backstory was more of a joke than anything. Especially how he supposedly raised the Green Giant green bean chick from Guardians of the Galaxy, which I haven’t seen either, and I shouldn’t fucking have to. The actual events that were taking place onscreen seemed so out of their depth that I couldn't help but laugh.
Oh, but I only laughed at the wrong times. The jokes are all duds. They may have actually been the worst part of this movie. Not one of them made me laugh. And of course the irony was compounded by the uproarious laughter of the crowd at the most cornball yuk yuk humor I’ve seen since Roseanne came back. Now, usually I would second-guess my opinion and say “Maybe this is funny”, but I’m a comedian so I think I would know a good joke when I see one. There weren't any here, as far as I could tell.
Many were dazzled by the end of the film, exclaiming “It’s the best part of the entire series!” I haven’t seen the entire series, so I’m just going to take their word on it, since they are experts on the comics, just as I am the expert on comedy. I also agree that the ending is the best part of the film, but not because it’s good. I won’t spoil it. But if you have EVER seen a single comic book movie, you should know that what happens is of no consequence to ANYTHING! OK? You know this shit is NEVER going to end as it long as it keeps making money. So why should I care? You gotta do better than this, Marvel.
In short, this movie is ADHD incarnate. It’s like watching a cokehead do errands for his wife after work. He’s so eager to please, but is he really getting anything done? No; he’s a bumbling lunatic and he’s making the people in the grocery store nervous.
This is one of those movies that if it was the exact same, if they didn’t change a fucking thing, and in the end credits it said "Directed by Michael Bay", you would be shitting all over it and calling it the messy, overboiled crockpot that it is. It's Transformers without the T&A. There was a lot of shaky cam. A lot of jumpy editing. And I was bored. It was exhausting to watch. I wanted to like it. I don’t know what kind of miserable prick walks into a movie theater in the hopes of disliking a movie. I guess the same guy who walks into a bar to start fights. But I’m not that guy. My days are long just like yours and I want to embrace the escapism. But not this time.
My rating: 3 out of 10.