This past weekend, I sat two nights in a Peruvian style ceremony working with master plant teacher, ayahuasca. This is something I have the greatest respect for, and write to pay homage to the teachers and elders. I will speak of my experience only, though when you are on the medicine, you understand how the lines of self and other are blurry.
Night 1:
We sat. We meditated. We drank. I called upon Archangel Michael to be my guide. The medicine asked me if I was ready, I agreed. The integration into the medicine was very challenging. At a certain point, I desperately wanted to call out for help and it felt as it was the hardest challenge I had ever met. It was knocking me unconscious and the bubbling of the medicine as it course thru my blood and digestive track made me wish for its end. Instead, I sat up in posture, prayed and met the spirit with presence (a theme that would be revisited thru the nights). The drum of the shaman banged, intensity washed over in waves, I wanted to purge but decided to keep in the medicine and breathe, to fight and not be knocked over.
After what seemed an eternity, I realized there is no one to save me. I am here. Upon this realization, I remembered those around me, how I could show up for them. Then as if initiation was over, I was welcomed. Filled with what I can only describe as the "Spirit of the Warrior". My body sat proud and strong. Arms were crossed high at my chest with my elbows pointing out parallel to the ground. I sat here and was visited by the Jaguar, a guardian of the medicine. The jaguar roared into me, my face even snarling, strong. The jaguar would let me play but would show me when it was too much with just a look.
It became evident that there is nothing to hold on to. That each moment is infinitely rich. That I am.
I began to see my loved ones and, still filled with the strength of the Jaguar I could look them in the eyes. I offer presence, which is enough. I could see my father, mother and elders. I could proudly look them in he eyes and stand tall.
(Side note: the next day I saw my parents, and they were disappointed because I told them I was sitting with the medicine, and they did not understand. My mother wouldn't talk to me, and when I went to say goodbye did not hug me. I walked away, but then remembering, I came back to her embraced her tightly and looked her in the eyes, saying nothing she softened and began to smile, in my mind I told her to be brave, then I left)
I felt tremendous gratitude for the people sitting with me, especially my dear friend who sat next to me. Whose presence gave me strength.
The ceremony closed.
I was planning on only doing one night but was encouraged to do both nights. Something told me I should but I was weary, and nervous because I didn't know if I could go thru what I had in the beginning.
Night 2:
I had a tremendous headache before the ceremony. I could only really sit in quiet, waiting. I had asked for the Mother Mary's guidance this night, I asked for a more a gentle learning, as I believed the Angel Micheal was partially responsible for the warriors ceremony the night before.
We sat. We meditated. We sang songs together as a community. The shaman told us three things to focus on when singing the music. One, the intention. The intention is not something that is set and then you are done. Like life each moment is filled with an intention to be aware of. The intention is the most important too to empower music. Am I singing from the heart? Am I sharing this story from the heart? Second, the beauty of the sound. Am I in harmony ? Third, was if you start a song you must see it thru and if you choose to sing to sing with your heart. It is dark, and there is no time to hesitate. If you choose to sing, come sing, with all your heart.
Then we drank. The medicine came on slow and gentler but discomfort in my legs in my stomach. It felt as though I may poop myself at any moment or that I may purge but I held it in for some time. Sometimes I can purge thru movement, movement of my hands or feet, or yawn or cry.
As the music played I would sit up to meet the music. Aware of the lessons shared during the song practice just before the ceremony. Showing up to meet the spirits of the songs with all my heart. As I showed up for the songs, their spirits would show up for me and fill me up.
At the beginning my arms would begin to flap like a baby bird trying to use its wings for the first time. Rigid but then the movement began slow and smooth out and I would hear whispered in my ear "Fly, its time to Fly". As the icarus (song passed) I sat back.
"You can let go gracefully" I calmly grabbed my container and purged gently into it. I looked down at the mess I made. Earlier last year, I had an abortion. The container, strangely enough, became a symbol for the child I co-created. ( Throwing my mess into the world? (lol) ) I placed the container between my legs and was filled with supreme relief.
My child was with me and sat between my legs, in the community. He was so beautiful. I was filled with so much love and an understanding the Father. As the ceremony went on me and my son danced and sang. My son would watch me dance and fly around the space (in the minds realm). I was able to be the father I had always wanted.
The child grew and became a man. There was so much peace.
There was a point where the shaman began to beat the drum again and he picked up the pace. I saw the Jaguar lurking behind me as if waiting for me to encourage it into the room. Just before jumping in the shaman stopped the drum, it wasn't the night for the Jaguar again.
We sang songs as a community, filled with heart and passion. For peace , for the land. I was shown how to show up for the spirits of the songs. How my posture could empower the music. Crystal clear how intention empowers action.
We laughed. There was a moment where we laughed soo hard, together because having done some serious work, the shaman began to sing baby songs. There was child like energy all over. Laughter is such beautiful medicine.
We said thanks. We prayed. The ceremony ended.
The next morning, we had visitors and a baby child came.
Since then, I have enjoyed meditating and praying each morning. Thankful. Thank you for reading this story from my heart.