I am mostly astouded at my own body's refusal to give up. There have been plenty of bad decisions made. I have given up my power and let others manipulate my will. I have fallen down. I won't get into the recreational fun here. That's for another post.
Maybe you're thinking, "like hey ...I hear ya and I'm going through some stuff too". Yeah I think if we're honest, we will find we all have felt the "doing battle" part of life perhaps more or less intensely. I commend anyone who is 1) alive and 2) participating in the shenanigans of commerce as both are feats of mastery in my humble opinion. You can do a quick search on the XYZ-tube site for all the things that prevent individuals from achieving mastery in their life. Maybe I'll do a post on that but it's delicate - for fear of being lumped into the "conspiracy" theorists (some of who present great cases), I'll refrain from going into the ideas/themes/constructs/beings that hold us back from our mastery.
I will say this - I have been for the most part - on this selfish campaign to blow up my life with dynamite.
In the past, when I get the "job" or the "place" or achieve xyz goal, I celebrated and then blew it up. I drastically ran away in a completely different direction. I started a new project, left the country, quit the job, lived with the parentals and grand-parentals (and friend-parentals). This has been super confusing for partners, friends, and family and MEH, I agree AND I did what my heart told me to do. That sounds craze-bawls, right?
It's easy to say "follow your heart" and it's quite another to re-arrange your life contrary to others' expectations.
The best part is I'm still alive and I've followed my heart. That's been a mixed bag, honestly. Yes, I could have taken the "safe route" and saved a 401K and all but, honestly I would honestly be bored to tears. That's someone else's life. It's their formula for mastery - not mine. I choose something ...else.
I am still here standing in gratitude and that has everything to do with merciful managers of the cosmos - invisible (or visible depending on who you talk to) beings who witness the antics that make up my everyday life. I mean, who else would sanction such madness? Perhaps bending the rules is sanctioned by a larger cosmic law. Perhaps the only law is to stay true to my inner guidance. Perhaps my inner guidance has a one-pointed mission to incite me to do illogical stuff so I can orgasm into bliss. Perhaps these waves of bliss are meant to encourage me to break out of my shell and continue to do more illogical stuff.
How will I ever know if the above is true? Well, it seems I must live a bit longer.
Maybe you believe in the invisible cosmic beings sanctioning our actions. I don't believe it. I embody it.
I'm walking proof of random, illogical force. Some would call the force 'shakti'. Naming the "thing" can be delicate and I don't want to offend the various faith-based orgs. I have woken up through no will of my own so call the "thing" what you will.
I want to celebrate with my etheral spirit team all the "angels" who have picked me up. I don't know how I would find you to thank you.
To the angels in my life at present, please accept a deep bow of sincerest gratitude. I would be dead without you.
Life goal: I can only hope to be a stranger's "angel" the next time I see them face-down on the concrete after a binge.