The Cryptocurrency Shop Sketch
Forked off from Monty Python's Cheese Shop sketch
Scene: A customer enters a traditional looking shop, although there aren't any physical goods on display. In the corner of the shop, musician Joanna Newsom plays beautifully on her harp. The customer walks up to the service counter and rings the bell for attention. The shop owner emerges from the back office and stands behind the counter.
Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, sir. Welcome to the Cryptocurrency Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, sir?
C: Well, I was sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'The Bitcoin Standard' by Saifedene Ammous, and I suddenly came over all libertarian.
O: Libertarian, sir?
C: Cypherpunk.
O: Eh?
C: (in a Yorkshire accent) 'Ee I were all Satoshi-like!
O: Ah, Satoshi Nakamoto!
C: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'a little digital gold will do the trick', so, I curtailed my bitcoin standardising activities, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some CoinMarketCap listed comestibles!
O: Come again?
C: (in a Yorkshire accent) I want to buy some crypto!
O: Oh, I thought you'd come to complain about the harpist!
C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Euterpean muse!
O: Sorry?
C: (in a Yorkshire accent) 'Ooo, I like a nice tune, 'yer forced to!
O: So she can go on playing, can she?
C: Most certainly! Now then, some crypto please, my good man.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, how about a little Ethereum.
O: Oh, I'm afraid its gone from difficult to impossible for us to sync our full node to the Ethereum blockchain, so we no longer deal in it, sorry.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Litecoin?
O: Well, back when Litecoin's creator Charlie Lee sold all of his holding, we lost confidence and decided to not hold any either...
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four units of Monero, if you please.
O: Ah, privacy coins! With all the 'Know Your Customer' regulations they're a legal minefield, so unfortunately...
C: It's not my lucky day, is it? Er, Cardano?
O: Sorry, sir.
C: Siacoin?
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today, its cloud storage got hacked.
C: Er, Zcash?
O: Sorry, privacy and KYC again.
C: Nano? Decred?
O: No.
C: Any Binance Coin, per chance?
O: No.
C: Stellar?
O: No.
C: Ripple?
O: (indignantly) This isn't a bank, sir!
C: TRON?
O: No.
C: IOTA?
O: No.
C: Dogecoin?
O: (pause) No.
C: NEO?
O: No.
C: NEM?
O: No.
C: B.Gold, B.Private, B.Diamond, B.Rhodium, B.Cash, B.Cash SV?
O: No.
C: Tether, perhaps?
O: Ah! We have Tether, yessir.
C: (surprised) You do! Excellent.
O: Yessir. It's erm... it's a bit scammy.
C: Oh, I like it scammy.
O: Well,.. It's very scammy, actually, sir.
C: No matter. Fetch hither the cryptocurrency that's tied to the fiat US dollar de la Federal Reserve, s'il vous plait! Mmmwah!
O: I...think it's a bit scammier than you'll like it, sir.
C: I don't care how fucking scammy it is. Hand it over with all speed.
O: (searching under the counter) Oooooooooohhh........! (faint meow, pause)
C: What now?
O: The cat's eaten it.
C: (incredulously) Eaten what?
O: The dollars that were backing Tether, the cat's eaten 'em, chewed 'em all up!
C: (pause) Has he?
O: She, sir.
(pause)
C: Tezos?
O: No.
C: VeChain?
O: No.
C: JP Morgan Coin?
O: (impersonates Andreas Antonopoulos) That's just a SQL database over-engineered with blockchain technology. That's not a real blockchain. That's a sequence of poor engineering decisions!
C: Mimble Wimble Coin?
O: Afraid not, Trace Mayer and his alias "airdropluigi" have cornered the market.
C: Verge?
O: No, sir.
C: You... do have some crypto, don't you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a crypto shop, sir. We've got-
C: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Er, Beam?
O: Yes?
C: Splendid, I'll have some of that then please!
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Beam, that's my name.
(pause)
C: Komodo?
O: Er, not as such.
C: Steem?
O: No
C: Stratis?
O: No
C: Aurora?
O: No
C: Factom?
O: No
C: Cryptonex?
O: No
C: MaidSafeCoin?
O: No
C: Venezuelan Beaver Coin?
O: (clears throat) This is a family business, sir. We don't sell tokens for (does air quotes) "adult services".
(uncomfortable pause)
C: Ah, let's keep it simple, how about Bitcoin?
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
C: (disbelievingly) Not much call--It's the single most popular crypto in the world!
O: Not 'round here, sir.
C: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular cryptocurrency 'round 'ere?
O: (enthusiastically) DASH, sir.
C: IS it.
O: Oh yes, DASH has been heavily marketed in this manor, squire.
C: Has it.
O: It's our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see. Er... DASH, eh?
O: Right, sir.
C: All right, I'm game. 'Have you got any?' He asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
O: I'll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It's not much of a crypto shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district sir!
C: Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by blockchains.
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about EOS, sir.
C: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be.
C: Have you... (irate) WILL YOU SHUT THAT BLOODY HARP OFF!
(Joanna Newsom looks sheepish and stops playing)
O: Told you, sir!
C: (slowly) Have you got any EOS?
O: No.
C: That figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place....... Tell me:
O: Yessir?
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any crypto here at all?
O: Yes, sir.
C: Really?
(pause)
O: No. Not really, sir.
C: You haven't?
O: (unashamedly) No sir. Not a single UTXO. I was deliberately wasting your time.
C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
O: (seemingly unconcerned) Right-O, sir.
(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the shopkeeper)
C: (disappointedly) What a senseless waste of human life.