The most commonly discovered new species are typically insects but from time to time newly discovered mammal species do occur. Scientists have recently discovered a new species of hippie, sloppily-dressed Bros roaming the halls of any events with the slightest mention of “cryptocurrency” around the world.
The new bro belongs to the Bitcoiner family (Bitcoinislifedus), which the scientists describe as “one of the most peculiar looking and sounding Bro species they have encountered”. Alas, with the growth of a new industry such as cryptocurrency, there will always be a new breed of posers (or in this case, ‘bros’) who want to hop on board the bandwagon and use their newfound “knowledge” to get laid.
Physical description: intentionally disguised themselves in sloppy clothes in order to look like a nerdy programmer. This camouflage is their defense mechanism to avoid anyone from calling out their inability to understand complex technology. Or blockchain technology, to be exact.
Behaviour: Often has a weak grasp on blockchain/ crypto as a whole but likes to boast about their investments and very opinionated on which the best ones are. However, this behaviour is rarely seen by public as they are infected with Keyboard Warrior Syndrome.
Communication: At their natural habitats, Crypto Bros have been observed to make the following sounds: rareeemoooo (when provoked), tearrrxxx (when excited) and pabadummm (before feeding). In order to make it easier for our readers we have attempted to replace these sounds with actual English words: “When moon”, “10 X” and “Pump and dump” respectively.
Enemies and Competitors: Crypto Bros typically dominate other species in areas where they both occur with their large arsenal of cryptocurrencies they have accumulated during the early stages of their birth. They are likely to namedrop random alt/shitcoins in your face at every opportunity, highlighting their superiority over you as a crypto-species.
The biggest question is … What should you do when encountering a crypto bro? Here are our pro tips:
When encountered with a Crypto Bro, never have any eye contact and escape as calmly as possible.
Do NOT ever be persuaded by their rhythmic yet deadly chants composed of crypto advices.
Block them on Telegram if they mysteriously add you. Act quick.
So, dear readers, have you ever encountered a Crypto bro? Do you think crypto bros could ever evolve into a more meaningful, intellectual species? Share your experiences and thoughts with me in the ‘Comments’ section below!