20 minute blog a day - breaking down the walls

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I’m dedicating this 20 minute blog a day to the concept of Love and my weird relationship with this emotion.

Today I had my first ever professional, private tarot reading. I’ve been practicing Tarot on my own for a long time, - I’ve had close friends who also work with cards and they have done readings for me but it’s a totally different experience when you get a reading from basically a stranger!

I don’t want this to turn into a raving all about Hive account@intuitivejakob - because believe me it could! He is just an amazing soul and truly has a wonderful gift! I’ll save my praise for later as the topic on my mind is pressing - but seriously go check him out if you haven’t already. He rocks!

His reading got me thinking about my inability to express Love. It’s a curious thing I’ve struggled with since I can remember. (There’s a multitude of reasons, experiences and twists of fate that made me the way I am so we’ll just leave that there for the sake of this blog.)

I love a ton. I have a huge heart - I’m generous and caring, honestly.

But when it comes to telling someone I love how I feel - I can never get the words out right.
I don’t read romance novels - ever. Chick flicks were never my thing. I’ll switch a love ballad off the radio quicker than country music and sappy scenes will ruin a good movie for me.

I’m a poet...or I consider myself to be one. I’ve written more poetry in my life than anything else. I couldn’t even tell you how many poems I’ve scribbled out over the last 15 years.. But you know what I can count? The number of lovey-ish “romantic” poems I wrote… 3. Yes, three.

Love is such a double edged sword.. Love too much and fear losing what you love. Love not enough and lose it anyway.. What a complicated aspect of life!

Love takes guts - it really does and in order to really have love you both have to be free - like equal pillars holding the roof.. John Hogue talked about this in a Youtube video once and after this reading with Hive account@intuitivejakob this visualization of true love came back to me. One pillar can be shorter, weaker, or unbalanced - the roof will cave. The pillars cannot hold the wieght of a large roof if they are intertwined in the middle. They need to be equal but separately standing in union - bearing equal distribution of the weight.

I’m gaining more insight and learning more about what it takes to make love work.
30 years old and I’m finally ready to break down these walls that I so carefully started building so many years ago. This 20 minutes is up and I must say this one was more of writing for myself than thinking of who will read it - but I hope if anyone does read it and their struggling like I am - I hope you find a bit of comfort in my words!