This is a series of blogposts in which I will interview people battling depression
You can find the first post in the series here: Getting up 1: An introduction
Part 2: Cara (19): "It's just a defect in my brains"
Part 3: Glenn (22): "It felt like a defeat to admit I wasn't doing well"
Please note that these interviews are translated and english is not my first language. I apologize if anything gets lost in translation.
The negative things in your life can also transform into something beautiful, the 27-year-old Mirthe proves. During our conversation she touched me tremendously with her positive outlook on life and will to carry on. Read her story:
Mirthe: "Depression is in my personality. That's just the way it is. I used to be bullied and that has certainly contributed to my depression, but weird psychic things have been with me since childhood. All my life I suffered from compulsive behavior. As a very small child I had to tie my shoelaces equally tight, or I would feel off balance. I also had a little voice in my head that I called the little witch, who told me what to do, like run a few laps around a table. At primary school I told my friends group, and a girl was so afraid of me that she told her mother. While the voice for me was the most normal thing in the world. My mother, who got to hear about it from that other mother, thought that it was nothing serious and it would pass.
The voice really did go away, but compulsive thoughts took it's place. I developed my own system in my head to count words every time I read them. Very troublesome, because everywhere you go you are confronted by words. The words had to be even. You used to have cellphones with letters on the keys. The key 7 was 'PQRS'. Take the word 'summer', you have to press four times to get an S. So I had to do that for all the letters, and if they did not add up to an even number, I had to find a way to make it even. It was very extreme.
Being accepted by other people was very important to me. I worked hard in highschool to fit in, but it backfired. My classmates noticed that I was insecure and started to use it against me. That year I was bullied terribly. At that time, I was I was not aware of it, but in retrospect I think that's when my depression started. Because I felt so awful I went to the counselor at school, because I just couldn't take it anymore. I came home and went straight to bed. I wanted to do nothing but sleep. It never stopped. At that time all I thought about was dying, to make it stop. One time at the counselor I told him I had suicidal thoughts. I will never forget what she said: "Oh no.. There's another one, it's almost like its becoming a trend". She didn't take me seriously. So I must be a poser, I thought.
During my college years I found out that I had to have OCD. Indeed, the psychologist diagnosed OCD and depression. It soon became clear that individual interviews with the psychologist were not enough and I decided that I should go to a place where they specialize in OCD and the depression that accompanied it. I went to the Center for Anxiety and Compulsive Disorders in Venray, but there was an eight month waiting list before I could actually start the treatment. During that time I broke down, I locked myself in and all I did was sleep. When I could finally start treatment it was a huge turnaround. Living with 20 others and therapy from 9 to 5. We got exposure therapy, where you will be exposed to your fears or obsessions. I had to read a book together with the therapist, and parse all the words out loud. Ofcourse I already did this in my head, but it was challenging to hear myself doing it out loud.
I'm very sorry there's such a big stigma on depression and antidepressants. Admittedly, I've been very secretive about it myself, but my intention was always to do something with my complaints like going to the counselor. But if someone doesn't acknowledge you, your experience with openness won't be good. It is an important part of my life. I can not forget it, it has made me who I am. I now give workshops on bullying, respect and understanding in secondary schools and we talk openly. It's going very well, and the children really get to know eachother. I think it's great that I can now help others and teach them from my own experiences. I teach them how important it is to find someone to talk to. Don't give up if one person doesn't take you seriously, go see someone else, there is always someone willing to listen. I hope others find strength in this manner in order to be open, which is the only way to find relief.
Photo: Mirthe