Hi anyone reading, Blue Fish here
As a kid I used to have very big expectation of myself and from people surrounding me, I am the smart kid in the family that does not study much but has good grades in school, is mostly in the top 3s in class and represented and won some school competitions. Having such accomplishment, my mom is very proud of me and would often praise or I would say brag me with other relatives, saying I topped the class, won a competition, etc, resulting in my aunts and uncles all looked at me as a smart kid with bright future. I am not the kind of person to study a lot, I admit that I learn things very fast and understand the importance of studying 1 night before the test, although I didn't put a lot of effort in studying I always at least read the test materials 1 night before the test. I was also asked to give a speech on my senior high school graduation day as the double honors student ranking 1st in both national and international class.
I am a very sociable introvert in which I must say that I don't have any problem socializing with people unlike the real introverts, but it takes quite a lot of my energy so I would prefer staying at home or hanging out only with my close friends. After graduating high school I went to college while having a full time job, it is very normal in my city here working 8-5 and college 6-9. I work as a sales in my cousin's company and had a very difficult start, as I've said before I have a very high expectation of myself and can feel expectations from others towards me. I didn't have any sales the first month of my job and it got me very stressed with fear that I might not be able to do the job well but my cousin would feel bad to fire me. I had very high expectation and goal back then that I will be able to do the job well, in which I was able to deliver, my sales started growing and I was given more clients to handle. In my first 2 years of working my sales grew a lot, I am earning 8-10x my college friends earned each month from my sales bonus, my mom of course was very proud and for this praised and bragged about my earning on every family gathering. I am earning a lot compared to my friends that I started planning on how I can give my parents a good retirement life, how I can buy big house and get married. I was able to buy luxury items like smartphones and laptops for my brother and sister which I was very proud of, buying jewelry for my mom and things for my dad.
I guess my depression started around that time, my expectations, goals, dreams began rising, families and friends looked at me differently like I am a future rich great man. By that time I can feel the pressure in me whispering that I can't fail them, I must be a successful person which was my own expectation before but now becomes everyone's expectation. After 2 years of working I started realizing that this is not what I want, I don't really enjoy working as a sales/marketing and I wanted to quit to find other jobs to learn more things as I understand that I enjoy learning new things a lot, but I couldn't quit, my parents dissuade me from quitting as I am earning a lot in this job and I have no choice to continue as I also think that earning money is more important, from this point my depression starts tickling me every now and then trying to be my friend. I can feel the depression but chose to ignore it, a year passed and a big hit in the economy of industry I'm working in happened, factories are getting lesser jobs and thus my sales decrease, my earnings decrease although it's still considered okay. My only motivation to continue working in the company is gone, the earning, now not only that I am no longer passionate about my job, my earnings also decrease. My depression officially introduces himself to me at this point, my desire to quit the job grew even higher but is again dissuaded by my parents saying how hard it is to look for a job now in this economy, and I have no choice to continue working in the company side by side with my depression.
I guess in this part of life is where my depression began, I have no idea why but I am unable to talk about it to anyone I know thus writing it as a post on steemit. I will continue to open up my bottles of depression that I've kept as I am feeling better at this moment as I am writing it.
I feel very grateful to all those commenting nice words and gestures in my previous introduction post, weird that it's from strangers across the world but brings warmth to my heart.
Here's an office blue fish